I have been telling my online therapist yesterday and today that I thought I could tell the difference between situational, and bipolar, depression. This morning during a quiet moment, I said this to my husband, as well, and his response? “There’s a difference between hypo depression and situational depression, and you’re at hypo lately.”
I blew him off. Surely I could, of all people, tell the difference on my own! Where was the deep tunnel with no light at the end, where were the dark thoughts, the suicidal urges? There weren’t there, I thought to myself; I’m fine, I thought to myself.
In fact, I thought to myself, look at how things were looking up for me: my husband said he did like my art (just not idea of me painting murals on the wall), my husband and I spent several hours together that were actually pleasant, my daughter seems happier today, I don’t have to take all of the art in my house down and start selling it on Etsy after all, so…then…why..
…did I get so down when I saw myself naked today (when I’ve been steadily losing weight for weeks and it actually does show, but not enough weight/not enough show)? Why did I get totally deflated after spending so much time dyeing my own hair to less-than-spectacular results? Why do I think I have lost my attractiveness when there is not a lot of evidence to back this up that’s any different from any other day? Why do I feel like the world’s worst mother and the world’s least desirable wife? And, why suddenly is the fact that there are no openings in my psychiatrist’s office until the end of the month suddenly feel like a kind of death sentence?
“Welcome back, Marie!” says Midway Bipolar I Depression. “Did you think you had escaped me so easily in the past five months, did you think you’d earned a pass, gotten ‘right in the head’?” And then she laughs and laughs and laughs, opening her arms, 150% sure I’ll crawl back into them…
…but, not so fast this time. I have tools. I have meaning. I have my family. I have my self-respect. Let’s see if this time, maybe, just maybe, these prizes will be enough to stop my side into the Grand Canyon of my mind. Let’s just see what happens together this time, want to?