So, for about the past six weeks I have been entirely symptom-free, taking 15 mg of Haldol a day for bipolar and a beta blocker for anxiety, and I have reacted in a few interesting ways.
The most important thing I’ve realized in this past month is that all I need to be happy is Haldol. It’s a prerequisite. It’s the only prerequisite.
Another thing is that, after basically four years of constant turmoil, the disappearance of my bipolar symptoms has left me feeling very peaceful and quiet. What a blessing are these feelings!
I don’t feel like I’m a marionette animated by too many chemicals, either supercharged with mania or diffused with depression. I have the chance to look at myself in the mirror and actually wonder who I am today, without the overcrazed manic haze or suicidally-depressed fog of illness.
I actually have the presence of mind to think about who I am today and what it is I feel like trying to accomplish, an amazing gift, to be sure.
I spend a lot of time enjoying the quiet day and the measured hours of my healing process. I made my daughter some homemade waffles this morning and thought to myself, “This is really something! A ‘normal’ Saturday morning!”
It is true that there’s an absence of illness that is leaving a large berth of energy for anything that I want to do. But, because it is new and maybe because it feels permanent, I am taking the time to decide what I’d like to do in my healthiness.
I know I want to be a present mom and wife. I know I don’t want to take the absence of illness for granted. Choosing to decide on doing anything else seems sort of suspended, a grand luxury while I learn to enjoy the quiet peace of health again first.
The biggest dream of mine to date has come true and I just want to enjoy it fully: I am again in control of myself!
I wish you peace and a quiet happiness too, in all you do, and remain,
Marie K Johnston/Kristen M McCurry