So, my husband and I decided to rent the movie, “Bombshells,” this afternoon and my response to it came as quite a surprise…
I found myself enraged. These women, although put in an awkward position, nonetheless were free to make a choice: they all chose to have sex in order to get ahead, get famous, get a tv show, etc. I found I had little sympathy for these adult women and their choices.
When I was a 17 year old child in my father’s house the night he raped me, I didn’t have any choice. I couldn’t get anything of benefit out of my sexual torture but a mental illness, dissociation, and to subject my husband and daughter to a lot of grief in the future when at 42 I decided to get my life back for all three of our benefits.
I didn’t get the luxuries of my own tv show, fame, fortune, money or then later, the opportunity to file a lawsuit and benefit socially and financially again in the public domain. No, for my troubles I got bipolar disorder, ten suicide attempts, 30+ hospital stays, generalized anxiety disorder, and on top of it all, I have subjected the two people I adore most on earth (my husband and daughter) to endless suffering due to my mental and emotional struggles.
Life isn’t fair. This statement is a cliche because it basically rings true for us all. I am writing today because I am angry! I deserved better when I was a child and my family deserves better today! I deserve better today and instead I have to be in intensive outpatient therapy to finally (and hopefully swiftly) put this incest childhood behind me once and for all!
This is the first time I have ever been in touch with what I am labeling my “righteous indignation” at the way my father treated me when I was too young to expect better treatment and when I deserved better treatment! I want, more than I have ever wanted anything, to heal from his bad choices so that I can love my family the way they deserve to be loved and so that the three of us can enjoy our beautiful life together and move forward in a destiny that doesn’t include me carrying the pain and anger I currently have!
Stay tuned! My intensive therapy sessions are now down to once a week and I will be reporting back here on Tuesday afternoon after the next session which is dedicated to me dealing with the rape my father perpetrated on me.
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