So, it took me a little while to put the pieces together, but my mood has been swinging in the depressed range for a week now. This is a result of taking Gabapentin for Fibromyalgia, a medication which caused me to become hypomanic, and for which I stopped taking it; not realizing until this afternoon that even though I stopped taking the drug, it still set me off on a series of ever-increasing depressive episodes, hence the depressive episode that spurned me to write “An Unfortunate Turn of Events” without realizing I even was in a depressive episode.
Recognizing my mood states is one of my main goals in therapy, and it is a very tricky thing to do. Mood states can start off so subtly that you do not realize they have begun until you are fully in their sway once they have become exaggerated and obvious, and then I usually feel foolish to have been “taken for a ride” by one of them yet again. Although (hypo)manias and (ultra)depressions each have their defining textbook characteristics, each time they occur they also present with subtle differences and nuances that can disguise them as “regular” reactions to life events and therefore they are sometimes hard to distinguish from within-range moods…
However, I am coming to realize that any time I am feeling an extreme emotion that the cause is a mood swing and not a “regular” reaction to life. This particular mood swing has made it obvious to me that any extreme swing in my emotions, however sneaky the up- or downswing, is suspect and a bipolar reaction—not a natural emotional reaction of mine.
I will no longer allow myself to be tricked by my bipolar extreme moods. I will no longer spend inordinate amounts of time, like I have done this weekend for example, trying to suss out emotional reasons for my extreme reactions to my life because it is finally clear to me that my extreme moods are not in fact a reaction to my life—they are simply the result of my chemically imbalanced brain and have no rhyme or reason in relation to what actually is a very happy and satisfying life that I have created with my husband and daughter and one for which I am actually incredibly grateful.
I am going to call my psychiatrist first thing tomorrow (Monday) morning, and until then, take good care of myself. This is just a chemical imbalance and I need a medical tune-up. It is a relief to know that my extreme emotions should not be taken seriously; and this realization, therefore, is actually a very fortunate turn of events!
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https://www.Amazon.com/author/mariekjohnston (for my official biography and bibiography),
https://www.BooksbyMarieKJohnston.com (to read more about my two novels and three books of poetry),
https://www.MarieKJohnston.com (to see my flagship creative writing and boho visual art website),
https://www.Pinterest.com/kmmccurry (to peruse the 75 boards celebrating the wife/mom life of a Buddhist writer, me!)
Thank y’all for reading!