So, it’s after a big fight and therapy make up…we are smoking in garage and Clo is inside…I am listening to my music, feeling so very much better now. We talked about sex, fighting and did a breathing/compliment exercise that we have decided we will do at home if one of us gets mad…excellent solution I think. I’m pretty sure if I can stay not so drunk we will end up having sex tonite too! Starting to feel like old times.
I don’t think I need to write all the time anymore…I think I will start living again!
Last nite was just like it was in the beginning but it was us now–he’s still asleep in the bed now! I passed out from wine/pills, but woke up when he was still awake and he came downstairs and I was so much more relaxed and happy and he slept all nite! I feel a bit hungover, but slept in until 9–something has lifted in both of us–I was able to go with it, suspending judgement, he was able to express himself in a positive way, we were successful…he’s off today…
I am glad I got all that stuff off my chest before therapy happened…I was so frustrated with him and didn’t think I’d get over it–but I did! She got him to be his sweet self and then we were able to just let it go and have the kind of evenings we used to take for granted before this past year. He seemed fresh and past the year for the first time since it started–being obvious was the next best move–I think he really needed me to be uninhibited and nonjudgey–my sex attack finally worked, although I don’t remember falling asleep so I hope we actually did have it…he’s still asleep–bet his alarm goes off in a minute.
We’ll see what he’s like when he gets up. I’m gonna propose that he go get the cars inspected while I pick up, then have spaghetti…I know that I made the right choice when I married him and when I made my recommitment to him recently. I have always been so in love with him! He’s just perfect for me. There’s nothing better than being alone with him, making this life, watching Clo get so big, maybe we had her too quickly didn’t know what we were in for there, I’m so starving! Maybe no inspection today–maybe I’ll just clean up and send him out for McDonald’s–I never realized until yesterday in therapy that sex and emotion are tied more closely in him than in me–it’s really sweet actually–so I know he must be feeling good about us if we had sex, although I can’t remember so maybe we didn’t or maybe I just blacked out…I hope not but he never judges that when it happens…
I think fibro might be from being too uptight and rigid in thinking about events and people, trying to write the script of what I will say and what he will say and getting flipped when he goes off script…how to explain how two pills could make me feel so relaxed and happy? And how we all thought I should stop. Maybe some people just need pills and wine and cigarettes and some people don’t. I am a person who does, that’s for sure. I am happy we are gonna go to a party tonite and hoping desperately that I can come up with an outfit–I could always wear my black dress, that’s cute and comfy–but I really want to try and eat little and see if the white long shirt and my black yoga pants will work with my pink purse for makeup and cigs and I have no idea which shoes other than my sparkly ones…maybe the dress and hold off on the shirt for now?
So it’s almost noon. I am still starving but didn’t want to make anything…I want to get in bed and listen to music, but he’s still asleep. Don’t have heart to wake him up either…he’s gonna stay up past me again tonite…I just took a pill and now want a nap. I want to smoke then eat. Maybe hotdogs. I’m gonna wait til noon. I need to pick up but I’m too relaxed and also don’t want to wake him up…so very hungry…we’ve been up since 930…I almost wish he was in his room sleeping like this, but I can tell he’s really relaxed and that’s good too. I always have the best sex when I am relaxed and about to fall asleep–what is that about? I don’t want to take another shower, but there’s too much hairspray in my hair…
I guess I should go in there and pick up what I can without making noise…do the pillows and blankets, stuff like that, put things up in kitchen…
He’s up and everything is great between us! The only thing bothering me is the blog posts I just read about him. Especially in light of what I thought was happening was actually happening! I’m freaked! What if that was the right kind of thinking, and this positive love feeling is not? I am just gonna go with the positive love feeling. I just want it to be vacation mindset from here on out, you know, just kissing and eating and sleeping in our very own house! Like that. That’s why I married him. He picked carpet over Hawaii–that C. I can remember know what it was like then, before Clo, we did that every nite and weekend…when the only assumption was a positive one…
Ok, so after Brian’s, after being home alone…he says, I don’t want to have sex tonite, we can have sex tomorrow nite…I don’t get it–he says, I wanna play vids, go to sleep…I did go to sleep, but woke up alone too after he said he was gonna sleep downstairs…I did even say well Clo will be home tomorrow nite and she’s gone now. I’m so confused. Brian was curious as to how things were, we didn’t have much chance to talk, but I sort of caught him up…I sd just not over analyze this–it’s always the wrong move and also a real buzz kill.
Last nite I did great–didn’t go off on the trump news, didn’t get paranoid, really I was quite tired, so it doesn’t matter I didn’t get my sex result and I’m not gonna read anything into it that’s gonna make me feel bad or make me think something negative about Christopher. That’s it for this entry, as it is now Saturday am
So, I’m gonna analyze a few developments from yesterday so I can understand them hopefully without too much bias.
He’s just not interested in me being available to him. He wants to do his own thing, prob as some kind of revenge for my attempt. He is still hurt bc he doesn’t know how to process his feelings…he’s the one who needs to do this, and he won’t let me help him, so it’s good we’re back in therapy. I pulled the rug out from under him with my attempt and also with the comments that I truly wanted to die. That’s a nonstarter really. For all my talk about how that was my decision to make, I was most assuredly in the wrong with that choice. My offering of my body doesn’t soothe what ails him, it could be making it worse actually. I think my happiness confuses him. I think my ability to keep refocusing him now that I am losing patience is confusing too. It’s making him question the rightness of his feelings.
What is it exactly about your spouse attempting that is so rough–they could have succeeded, they wanted to succeed, but she seems happier, less strained, more open, more honest? Dwelling on this just doesn’t seem like a good idea. So he doesn’t respond to my overt moves and maybe can’t reciprocate bc of what I did? Maybe it is that simple. He feels unloved bc of the attempt, but when I make the moves, he feels like rejecting them bc he is trying to make his point, even like a small child who gets his way but doesn’t want to.
So how to convince your husband that your suicide attempt wasn’t because of him? That it was your reaction to what was happening at the time, but that the bruising incident did have something to do with it. Maybe this is the sticking point really–I will have to say out loud that his actions did directly lead to my attempt even tho that is gonna kill him to hear it. Until then, we are a nonstarter–he fears this maybe more than anything else, and I’ve been so quiet about this but vocal about moving on, we both just want to move on. I’m gonna have to say this in therapy or before bc that’s two weeks away.
I haven’t been honest. It directly led there–the next few days after that, it was all I could do to not try and kill myself. There was so much shame involved in it, so much sad lack and just a tearfest–I completely blamed myself. I was in a stupor after it, his words and behaviors, it just really put me on a dangerous path which led to my attempt. Why? Bc he reminded me so strongly of my father during the divorce–the feeling of not understanding where that much anger can come from, the intensity, what it makes people say and do. He was completely unhinged!
Then I started cataloging everything from that day and the ones before to understand what I had done to arrive there where my husband bruised me up and screamed at me like that. Nothing had been egregious enough, but I slowly shut my personality down to prevent it from happening again.
He’s a rageaholic–he’s getting a release from frustration and feels unburdened. He also succeeds in pushing me away.
How do you explain that most likely, the real reason you attempted to take your life is simply bc you are bipolar? That maybe there were reasons, but at root you are just broken and that’s why and nothing else. That your dad broke you long ago so completely that you will never put all the pieces back together again? It’s a heartbreaker that C will rack his brain for the reasons for his anger, but it’s at heart bc my depression was all-consuming and I pulled away months before I attempted and he didn’t do one positive thing to pull me back from the edge so I was angry with him and did want to get away from him bc he refused to help me and instead just dug in his heels like he’s doing now and not helping not even acknowledging any of my feelings or thoughts about any topic at all.
But why is he rejecting me? Have I let him down that much? I broke the unspoken rule–we are happy. We were happy. He did used to make me feel better, it really worked! For nine years, it worked, it was a working formula–I’m sad, he fixes it, everyone is happy about the success of the project. But I’m not a project, I’m a person. I don’t think he wants me to be me bc I am messy and complicated and change my mind a million times after continuously mulling things over. He didn’t want to have a serious convo last nite and no sex, that means there’s still a problem, and this is the problem–I said the formula didn’t work anymore by saying nothing at all but instead spiraling down inside myself, screwing myself into the ground in plain view of everyone, breaking the vows that state in sickness and health by not letting him in before it was too late to be saved. He could feel like oh hello now you want me and my feelings when you shut yourself off from me for so long? Kind of like that time I asked for sex and thought I would get it when I was manic that nite and he said something like no I don’t want to have sex with you after the way you’ve been acting.
So, he’s trying to be nice about it but doesn’t want sex even tho he really craves it. It makes him feel his feelings, and his true feelings are feeling rejected by me bc he realized there had always been a deep and unhinged part of me too that I had hidden so well even from myself. You just can’t skate–I couldn’t keep that wounded part of me a secret forever, it was bound to come out and it’s hard to look at and accept, but I have no choice. I must develop and train this new part of me bc it is so big and has so much potential.
This is a messy and complicated process but I’m doing pretty good at this. He is scared of it–that’s why he says things like if you want a bunch of sex, go find a 21 yr old bc I’m tired. I’m not that completely trusting in him person I was before I got sick. I am trying to make a new go of it but he is just always stuck in the negative, stuck in the past…
So I reverted to an old behavior and fell asleep before he could reject me for sex, and I slept all fucking nite! Then I got up, took the pills, went back to sleep for a few more hours! I feel excellent and now I’m having my coffee in the garage listening to my music…
I reread some of my journal entries that I could tease out of the list since the one right after the disaster therapy session. They read like prewriting for my next novel, which they most certainly are! Got a lot of insights and thoughts, good descriptions, etc. no dialogue really tho, but it’d be easy to add…
I have been working so hard for so little from him. This is just because of his anger, but the root cause of the anger is a mystery still. I am thinking it was Chloe getting bigger and going to school as the starting point. Both of us went a bit nuts, but he directed his to me and I directed mine to me too. It was a scary time–the first time we were being tested as parents really–but after a rough start, Chloe stole the show! Once I forced her, she succeeded! Now instead of letting her take a break, he is trying to force me to force her to do things she refuses to do. At least we found this summer theatre arts camp, but I pumped her up about it and now it doesn’t start until august 7–I’m gonna have to teach her some lines from famous plays for her to practice acting to or something, get her ready to play the lead at least, keep her motivated…I’ll make her into an actress yet! It’s always good to start early, get her used to being in front of people, practice her eloquence without getting subconscious.
But that gets me back to C–no faith in my abilities, assuming the worst, checking for negative signs of life, when I am being choked by the sheer force of my daughter having no outside direction and just overwhelming me with need and upsetness. Yesterday I just told her that if she didn’t agree to go somewhere during the day I was just gonna lose it–that I must have my quiet clean house back with time during the day to be quiet and writing something, that I had a new project, the marriage novel, and that she could be the lead of the play bc she was beautiful and could memorize the lines easily. She agreed.
But chris has two modes–cooking and cleaning and taking care of the things that I can’t do, and being in his office for uptrend hours a day. I waited around the past few notes even tho it was late and one nite I fell asleep but woke up, and last nite I was so luxuriously exhausted, I just went with it bc I knew if I waited up and he didn’t come down I would get angry. Why is he able to summarily reject me so easily? It’s cruel, really, and makes me sad. It’s almost like it’s rejection for its sake–maybe that was what the incident was about–a summary rejection. I had always been nothing but yielding to him–given it all away for free–so the only move left to express his dissatisfaction with my parenting skills was to physically hurt me bc he was convinced I was being a bad parent bc I had a mood disorder so instead of helping me, he physically assaulted me to say I was being a failure, when really I was doing my best and needed help. He was frustrated with my inability to get her situated in kinder. My arm muscles are spasming now and it’s tough to type. Gotta take a break
I’m back, but that was weird and I kept trying to force my arms to type and hold. I am so sick of being so sensitive to everything, but that is still my greatest strength too. I just put on my sexy pink hoodie w no bra and you can see thru it but subtly and my beige yoga pants–working on my hair now–if this outfit doesn’t bring him out of the woodwork nothing will be able to–the pants are loose, like a size too big then stretched out–my hips and ass look great and I’m totally comfortable. Let’s see if I suggest sending Clo to Vicki’s so we can clean up uninterrupted, if he goes for that and tries to make a move. It’s almost like he’s making me choose between them, seeing if I’ll keep choosing him and I will bc I’ve had it with Chloe–she’s impossible to please now and refuses to do anything on her own, forcing me to spend time with her like I’m her hostage–I am so disappointed that she will not be out of the house tomorrow! I was hoping we could swing that. Now I have to find another activity for her to do so she will leave me alone for a few hours a day! I’m dying!
If this outfit doesn’t work, being so subtle, perhaps it is too subtle–if this doesn’t work today, after he might have had expectations of sex last nite, then I am going to give up and stop thinking about stuff like this until he just comes around on his own. I’m just gonna make myself happy by making art and writing in this journal until I have enough material on him to start my epic marriage novel about him, which he’s secretly been waiting for for years and knows is coming, that poem I showed him was the beginning of something, is what I intimated.
It’s like, who loved whom the most, bc we never discussed it–we channeled it into the verdenbruk house and into our daughter, I was trying to craft the perfect household, a house full of love, and once she went to school, I turned around, and we were in a new house that looked bare and I was exhausted beyond exhausted, and he was still on the fucking computer every time I looked around, I was alone in this big house with a daughter who didn’t need me and a husband who definitely didn’t seem to need me and I was overweight and on a ton of scripts and not able to continue with that experiment. Then I started getting angry at him–trying to force him to do something with me, I know I was dissatisfied with the new situation. When I am dissatisfied, I think I naturally look on the outside for a reason–I know I blamed him for my daughter being able to get on a bus and get whisked away everyday not needing me anymore. I looked on the inside, and I had given it all away to them, there was nothing left to give me any solace and I couldn’t even remember what I liked or would want to do to pass the time until school was over–he kept trying to force me to teach, to be a sub, but didn’t understand that I didn’t want to do it even tho I had agreed to do it.
My illness became overfuckingwhelming–I was so fucking unhappy and empty in what had once been so satisfying to me. At the end of the experiment, she was succeeding in school but I was an abject failure. I tried so hard to come up with something to do, meanwhile feeling all this pressure from chris to go be a sub, that I fell like a stone in the river and he attacked me. Once I unwittingly got some time to myself, it was easy to come up with things I wanted to do–write, get published, make art–the answer was so obvious, but he keeps trying to force me to make money and I don’t want to bc I’m disabled and he is jealous of me doing this art path bc he can’t do it and seems to really want to nail me down to marking money just because he can, even tho he understands I am disabled now I think, really understands, so that it seems like a litmus test, this trying so hard to force my hand, making this about our relationship and doing it for him, but now that moneybags has given us the magic amount of $$, he has relented for now. It’s like he enjoys supporting someone who can create things, as long as we have enough $$ for what he thinks we need. I’m like this beautiful, fragile creature who can shit golden eggs, and he likes being the one who is massaging the art out of me.
He is gonna be shitfaced when he sees this journal entries about him, the depth of insight, he’s gonna know I have been paying attention to the few clues he forgets to clean up. He’s so fucking secretive–like that unrepeatable time I caught him jerking off to online porn in the middle of the day and really got him! What is he doing when he wants sex? The office is wide open, I think he’s doing stuff in that spare room at nite on his iPad–I know I’m doing stuff on my phone, which I blame on him if I get caught! I hope I don’t get caught! I’ve reached the end of that endeavor, tho, it just gets me all smoldery and Unsatisfied, I need real sex with my husband–if I was that interested in masturbation, id be single. Even he said, when I was falling all over him to have sex, that we’d do it if I found it “that interesting” which is a puzzler–either he does find it that interesting still or he doesn’t and is trying to twist me up into something I’m not bc I’m no longer interesting on my own, or if left to my own devices…bc it did seem to work on Friday nite at Brian’s before he turned me down for sex–he actually said I looked beautiful without makeup and in sweats, he was attentive there and in the car, he laid down with me and watched tv, but then he turned me down inexplicably saying he wanted to play vids…woke up alone yesterday and we had to wake him up to do grocery put up. It’s like he is trying to shut down my love, he is testing it to see if I’ll fold, he wants to stop but he can’t–
Why can’t he see he’s forced my hand? He practically beat me up and screamed that I was a terrible mother–why are my parenting skills the ones in question all the time? He’s the one who won’t lift a finger to help me until there’s a looming crisis–until then he’s content to play vids in a house that’s in absolute chaos and I think he enjoys abdicating responsibility until I’m on the verge of absolute collapse!
And all I’ve got left in this fucking chaos is behaving with loving kindness and getting slapped in the face for it or worse, ignored. Everything is in need of a tune up right now–if I have to go thru one more day of Chloe destroying every positive thing I try to do, I am gonna stay in bed tomorrow and or today.
A wife/mother is a life of subjugation, of having nothing of your own unless you want to be labeled selfish. I don’t have time for religion other than it reminds me to act from loving kindness, even when all signs point to no. If he is doing this just because he is a man, at least I can accept that. But if it’s another, twisted reason, which I think it is, then I can’t accept all this rejection just to get to the loving kindness that I’ve simply trained him to feel because me leaving is the alternative and I think he gets that–that I wanted to leave his ass, but that somehow forgave him at the eleventh hour and he is testing me bc of it. I don’t deserve this bc he’s the one who started this by rejecting symptomatic kristen that wrecked the family and the finances. He let me spiral down, he didn’t lift one finger to help me out of my trap, instead he pulled away and resented me while I spent $8600 on vintage ashtrays and clothing. This is just as much his fault–it’s was fine when I was doing everything for them so much that I ended up with nothing, but instead of being a partner, he objected loudly to everything I did and didn’t do but never helped me avoid the fall inside of myself. Instead, he was rejecting and actively hostile–didn’t he throw something like robin Tichenor once? It’s a very vague memory. He reminded me of my father during the divorce too, testing me to see if I’d crack, then once I fell apart didn’t know how to put me back together again. He acts like a father to me, too, protecting me, filling the pill boxes with satisfaction, telling me to rest, cleaning the disgusting kitchen bc it’s just too much. Why are my arms spasming like this–typing is becoming impossible. Pause
I’m back. I will have to go in soon and be a mother. I think to mix it up, I’m gonna teach her a few memorable lines to practice. Maybe out out damn spot! That’s the one that comes to mind. It might be fun to be her drama coach if she ends up being into it. Gonna look for some Shakespeare…gonna stop obsessing about C, I say that, but it’s impossible–he is on my mind, he is taking up the empty spaces in my mind, I am so curious as to what explains his inexplicable behavior–he is a complete mystery–I am the only one who can appreciate it even as he rips me apart–it’s better than being without him–
I feel all this love and longing is lost on him–he’s very analytical, reality-based, and I’m the opposite. But he likes how I can pull him in, make him forget other things that really don’t matter. I’m the glue in this relationship–I think I was waiting for him to be the glue and he was too–it really is up to me to paint us out of this picture, to free him for how scary it was that I was dishonest for the first time only to try to die, that I successfully and artfully tricked him all day and nite that suicide day. That I had completely separated myself from him and was willing to die to get away from the bad feelings he had caused in me with his choices to hurt me when I was sick. How could he do that? Then he blames this on me bc he knows it’s his fault. He will probably never be able to forgive me, really, for lying like that and setting up the situation and still lying after we know I had taken the pills hours before and still didn’t ask for help or want to change my mind. And it was like the ultimate fuck you to him–you want to physically hurt me bc I’m so frustrating? Fuck you–I’ll kill myself and take myself away forever and leave you holding all of this failure and you’ll have to own up to the secret incident then, you fucking waste of space! This could remain a sad melodrama where we are pitted against each other to see how bad it can really get when you’re married to someone with a severe mental illness, but I refuse to let things go there or go there again–we are tied more inextricably than I wanted to admit, and I abdicated fully and completely, like deciding to float away on the surface of the water, leaving my family to uncover the dark waters he was putting out. He rejected me bc he no longer thought I was perfect–for all the reasons I have always rejected myself–just because he could, bc I left that door open.
And I am still waiting for an apology for all of this fucked up truth–he either loves me too much or not enough and it is maddening to know this and continue to love him anyway. He is punishing me, for how much longer I do not know, but it is only partly helped by my overtly loving sexual response to his aloofness and complaints. I have to let him punish me if I have a hope of getting him back again. This is a larger than life love affair we are having, mainly bc he is so reactive, this is the unspoken passion that we are experiencing. Better go check on Chloe
Still free, although phone needs to charge. Maybe if I stay out here where she knows I am, she’ll get up on her own bc she is choking me with need. He’s choking me with not need. They are both exhausting me severely and prob reason I’m having these spasms and taking all these happy drugs, just so I won’t kill myself under this strain.
I really feel like I could just kill myself swiftly and be done with it, but then I wouldn’t see how all this plays out and how I’m doing with the hand I’ve chosen to play in this family situation. I’m trying to manipulate Chloe to be independent, and Christopher to be dependent. My methods are unstable–it is almost impossible to wrench Chloe away and nearly as impossible to rope C back in, doing both at the same time nearly too much. He can’t stand it when I’m keeping something to myself, but usually doesn’t want to hear about my latest big idea–wants to critique it, mull it over, reject it usually–so why do I keep sharing? It’s bc he’s my fave person–the one I allow myself to overlove–bc when he agrees, it is the best feeling, bc he used to agree and it was a kind of abdication of thought, letting my thoughts mix with his thoughts, it meant I was powerful. This marriage like any other is at its most basic, about power…
He lets me fill the scripts, he picks up after me, he checks on me and lets me spend time with him once he is sure I’m not acting crazy, and if I do act crazy, he pulls away. But feeling sexy and wanting sex isn’t a crazy thing, it’s a me thing, and maybe it just hasn’t been this way in so long that he thinks I’m being manic–I know he is paying attention to how much sleep I’m getting–I’m a controlled burn, only to be enjoyed when all signs point to I’m not acting crazy, then I get a sex reward for good behavior. He is forcing me to do all the old and new things I must do in order to remain crazy free, I guess. He thinks any obsession, however small, is a danger sign. He doesn’t want to stir the pot, this is a confusing and deadly serious game we are playing, I am unstable, I just admitted as much here–ready to do something crazy if I can’t get some relief–I’m not feeling manic or depressed exactly, but some subtle crazy feeling where love and sex are more important now than Chloe or what she’s doing or not doing. I’m completely ignoring her now to see if she’ll get up by herself bc I can’t show her the steps again!!! Maddening!!!
So I’m charging phone w full cup of coffee, ready to hunker down, with music blaring. Let’s see if C gets his also lazy ass up and helps her do the morning routine bc I don’t know what I’m gonna say or do if I have to do it for her even one more time! She is sapping all my energy and preventing me from being myself bc she is lazy and too attached. Enough! Let him handle her and then come to me and tell me what he thinks we should do bc that camp doesn’t start anytime soon.
Here I am in my arguably sexy house outfit, befitting a modern stay at home mom who is sexcrazed and has a disaster to attend to before he gets up and runs the show. I am abdicating until I get some affection–this being ignored is for the birds and I’m gonna show him my reaction to it–why clean the house and bust my ass when you lay there awake listening to your perfectly capable daughter scream for me for a long time? No more. You don’t want to have sex? You’d rather play vid games! Then I’m gonna be sexy and distant, working on my prewriting about you, typing on my phone about you when you could easily break into my phone like maybe today and read all of the shocking truths for yourself and see into my analytical brain thoughts that you fear and loathe and want to bust up my phone for but they’ll squirreled away on the internet too for anyone to read how you are actually like Robin Tichenor and so I know exactly what you really want and what you crave to happen with me and it scares you to see someone so raw and honest and you can’t handle it. I want to send Chloe to Vicki’s today and really has it out with you! You make me so angry! What is your fucking problem? You don’t even understand what you are rejecting! You think you have me nailed down, but you’re wrong! I don’t really know why I tried so seriously to kill myself–it was you and it was me and it was Chloe and all my failures, failures that precluded living anymore. You are so quiet that I keep throwing out explanations and words, words, but you keep rejecting them. Forcing me to think about it more deeply, to figure it out and unravel the real reason when we both know it is madness, at its most base, just a chaos impulse to give in to the bipolar, to be so driven to it, was it the incident or just bipolar? How damaging was this incident anyway? Do we know even today? Every time I think about it I go on and on for pages–said to Brian that I don’t know if I’m just waiting around for him to do that again, I mean, can he actually change? I feel so tense again because two days ago I thought I could manage this marriage with the fibro pills, but the tenseness is snaking back in and I’m starting to be really worn out from the stress of trying to figure this out.
I can’t figure this out. I am giving myself quite a workout before the day has even begun. Both of them are not straining themselves–neither of them will help me, just drain me, the whole day long. I need a cigarette before this bullshit day starts when I’m already so fired up I want to tell him all the things I am feeling but I fear not because he will prob not know what the fuck I am saying and react like I’m acting crazy for fucking expressing myself. Then I won’t express myself so that I won’t seem crazy, but there will be an explosion soon if he doesn’t get in line with the playful, sexed up calm and sleepy version of his wife that he really gets off on seeing.
I want to get up but don’t want to be roped in to Chloe and the bullshit routine she tries to force in me every fucking morning of my life! She’s a fucking handful, and it’s my fault! She’s so goddamn controlling and negative when she doesn’t get her way every time she wants something!
He used to say, you’re not a writer, what have you written lately? And now that I’m working on projects, he tells me to make money. Like I’m just a goose that can shit out gold! I’m not going up there period today. I am only going to respond when I have to in order to avoid looking crazy in his eyes, and use plausible deniability in my actions today with an innocent seeming response and see if that perks him up a little to what needs attention today. It’s 1030! I’ll just say I lost track of time because I was writing and oh I’m so sorry you had to lift a finger on your day off and give me a goddamn break from this needy child that will never be satisfied with anything I do, like a drug addict or something, when it comes to my attention, and you on the other hand are on the exact opposite of the spectrum and not wanting to have anything meaningful to do with me, maybe bc you’re still so goddamn angry for reasons that continue to remain unresolved or discussed. You are keeping me utterly in the dark so I don’t even know what question to ask you to unlock this secret door in your soul that once brought to light will be able to be explained away so thoroughly by me that it will disappear–if only I knew what it was! I think it is that I scared you to death so throughly that you are completely spooked. I am never deceptive, I’m always right there with a raw explanation, it was the deceitfulness of it, the manipulation, delivered like the truth, so sure you were that you knew what to do–I’ve stolen ur confidence, that’s why you are suddenly afraid to become a principal–I shook you to your very core because you knew you had broken trust with me first by abusing me and setting my suicide day in motion–you confused me to my core, you shook my love foundation and broke it up and I couldn’t rebuild it and then I got sucked into the vortex of believing all the things I feared about myself were true and that’s why it’s your fault! Your actions and words caused my actions and words and there’s no way around this it just is–you are in the wrong and can’t even apologize to me for what you did to me and I was willing to overlook it but you can’t so we can’t move on and here we are stuck in your inability to self-analyze our way out of this complete disaster of a situation bc I forgave you before you asked me to and I’m trying to skip the steps and you’re right, they can’t be skipped over and we just live happily ever after until you really think about what you did and why you did it and tell me calmly and then ask me if I can forgive you after hearing about the truth of the situation you put me in and kept trying to keep me in.
It occurs to me this am that Clo is showing all the classic signs of depression and I can’t believe I didn’t notice before. It’s bc of the past year and it’s me and C’s faults. We must act. She refuses to take meds or go to therapy, but she is willing to talk to me about it. I just left her in there bc she got too emotional. This is a real problem that we must attack head on. Her parents twisted relationship and all the secrets and all the things I’ve told her so she’d be informed have proved too much for her. C has prob been pushing me to fix this all summer–we can’t put off figuring out what’s wrong in this marriage any longer bc Clo can’t function either and I don’t think he is functioning either.
He is such a coward refusing to look at himself no matter the cost to his family! He wants me to be close and love him when he knows he doesn’t deserve it at all, so he closes his minds eye to what he was feeling when he did that and meanwhile his daughter is melting down. Again, how he could not act when she is barreling around upstairs is beyond me–I am disgusted! I think he’s depressed too and needs to figure out why quick before I whisk her out the door and he’s left with no sweetness or solace in me and really has to figure out what is wrong with him.
I’m not gonna say a motherfucking word to anybody today! He has gone beyond this am already to prevent me from being happy! It is 1114–what the fuck chris just stay up all nite doing nothing and expect me for the millionth time to have nothing better to do than take care of everything! I will have nothing but indifference, typing like crazy on this phone all of this amazing prewriting and maybe I will steal the office and type everything up on the real computer and force him to pick up and take care of Chloe this afternoon. I’m going now
So I made a photo montage of me trying to seduce C and then thought he would love it and he got so fucking angry and said I just took something private and showed it to a bunch of guys! Pause
He didn’t say anything about this!
I guess he got over this and just won’t say so out loud…
…keeping it hot, wtf is happening between us when he is yelling in my fucking face he’s so angry with me! What!? That came out of nowhere, that’s just unfair, what?
What am I left with, then, really? A whole lot of nothing! I have to take a break now!
So now I am wondering what the big problem is anyway? He wants me, I want him, ok bam, there you go–but I’m latched into fears and dreams too, it’s bigger than us and her… Oh, show over now–gotta figure out what to do and how to be before he comes downstairs, right? I am fine with nothing. I don’t want to be rejected again…
He is about to wake up. I am feeling good, slept great due to pills, listening to my song and reflecting on yesterday’s events…
I’m not gonna say a word. Gonna act like I’m into the news, which I am. Gonna confuse him, but pump him up about first day back, etc and just skip over yesterday so I can analyze it first before I decide how to act today when he gets home.
Too early to think critically. Too hot already and I’m gonna have to smoke out here all day! My arms are spasming again! Pause
Let’s see what he says before he leaves…get a read in how I’m doing so far…I need to clean up and take a shower, do laundry, just gonna start w my room, bathroom and closet…too many fashion shows and weight gain that was prob my downfall this weekend! He is off feeling pretty good, thanx to my lunch box surprises! Good. My Facebook montage was a success, and I think he secretly liked my open seduction of him, how it was just a game and very clean…artful…I’m gonna have to try and make him focus on sex today thru words only–difficult to nab him this way–maybe I as just let him work and do nothing except clean and organize and decorate, not eat, take shower and get dressed around 500, be ready for when he hits the door, all fashioned and makeuped up with a clean downstairs even the suitcase–then we can see what he wants to do, maybe he will be renewed bc I did so much stuff and Clo seems cute and happy and I seem cute and happy, he’ll want to smoke and make a sandwich and watch the game, like always recently, bc I will have put effort in and not given in to pain.
So, gotta decide what to do with seduction campaign today–if I don’t say anything, and don’t clean, he’s gonna be disappointed. If I text and send pics, might be distracting and make him jealous and irritated…kinda want to spend the day doing nothing at all but writing for the novel and creating fb montages–these pills make me lazy–but I did poop and feel less backed up, I got another day out of hair/outfit–I have to do some laundry and clean up bedroom suite today, but have more time than I thought bc I’m just gonna have to do my makeup and put a bra on to get to tonite.
I love him so fucking much that I didn’t realize how much I crave his safety and comfort until I can’t have it anymore! I am cleaned up and dressed ready for Chloe to get up sort of, bc I really want to obsess over his actions and words, all the things that were never defined before they disappeared.
I want so much to figure this out. Figure out what he’s doing and not doing. It’s become an obsession for me, that’s why I’m writing a novel about us. I am so tired and just want to rest. I have been in deep thought about this since I got up and I’ve got to stop smoking in the house and posting on fb. I hear Chloe banging around up there and it’s time bc it’s 10! I’ve been up thinking and writing since 5 and I’m no nearer an answer bc he is refusing to respond to my emails even tho I know he is loving what I am telling him and he’s taking me seriously on the most serious things I’m saying. I think Chloe is bouncing down the stairs right as I want to close my eyes.
I am listening to my song again bc it gives me solace and inspiration. I just want him to leave work and say that he forgives me for everything and take off all my clothes and make me feel complete again.
We worked it out. He fixed it and I wasn’t feeling crazy after that. Being in therapy with someone else is so fucking complicated! I don’t want to change it, tho, I am learning so much about myself and him, all so intertwined…
A failure of a family member becomes your failure.
Working title of this novel–“failure”–told about me by two others–Chloe at 40 and C at 40, even tho I’m the one turning 40
So, he slept in the bed all nite and I fell asleep on the couch but apparently came in there during the nite–we both slept til alarm, then I helped him get ready for the day. When he came home last nite, right off the bat he hit me with some answers that I couldn’t follow about him not rejecting my advances but that he has unnamed reasons we’re needing to be in therapy and it’s not necessarily bc I tried to kill myself, but he wouldn’t say what his issues with me are, just that bc he has some doesn’t mean he wants a divorce and that he loves me…then we had to take care of Chloe and get dinner going, etc. then while we were watching the game, I was telling him about my ideas for this novel after I heard someone on tv say that the problem with nepotism is that one person in the family fails, it’s everybody’s failure then and it gave me the idea to call this novel failure and have it be narrated by C and Chloe, both at age 40, about me in the past year as I’m approaching 40–and to add it to get over it/leaves subsiding since it hasn’t been published yet anyway, then I’ll have a huger novel quickly to submit and see if it gets published! He was mostly or totally asleep during a lot of this convo, then I filled in some of the gaps later and he still didn’t have an opinion but admitted he had never read a novel before with that premise…so I’m thinking maybe he relates this story in prose form, and you only get my perspective in dialogue, no Chloe narrating that would be too hard and take too long to really do well at…I like this idea of continuing to add to my original novel until I get it right and it gets published, but it will be a lot of work to string all the pieces together in a satisfying way…
I still feel the overwhelming love and kindness feelings, and they really are breaking him down! I am trying to show him that we can get thru this situation, and he ended up mirroring me when I faltered yesterday and so I know this is more than a successful approach to our situation. I pulled out of our life and began making decisions that only affected me for selfish and nonselfish reasons. The credit card, the spending, the lack of participation or input, how I just stopped and sank like a stone before both of our eyes–this can only be healed by showering him with loving kindness–showing him that I want and need him and will always choose him, over and over, in spite of my sometimes inability to stick my landing. That however meandering my approach or thwarted by my mental illness, he is always number one to me and I’m always trying to get back to us and the goodness that we are and our beautiful life and where we’re trying to go, even when I am taking out credit cards, etc. that that is just my damage, childhood trauma, coming out and not how I want to feel or act. I’ve gotta tell him this now.
I told him all about the above and how it will be shown with this novel, that the novel is really a love letter from his sick wife, and I am awaiting his response! I am feeling so great about fleshing this idea out and think he will super love it and want to read it if I get sick like that again as a reminder that I love him so and nothing I’m doing should be taken personally.
I am so in love with my husband, and it’s bigger than any other passion I’ve ever had! He is my refuge and my solace, ever present, staying so committed no matter what is happening, listening to my crazy ideas and loving me anyway, although I’m not sure what it is about me that is so captivating but maybe it doesn’t matter to know why although I am dying to know why he really stayed with me during the past year–we have never been better but then again I don’t know why. It is hard to tease out why you really love somebody, right? Are the reasons independent of what they say or do? Or of how you are treated? No. You love them mainly, I think, for the reason that they keep loving you no matter what happens or happened. I must accept I think the fact that my husband is in love with the way I look, or maybe my personality despite what I look like, but that at core it is prob the looks and not the thoughts, he puts me up bc of my looks and let’s things slide bc I’m still good looking like I told him to the other day in the drs office when I realized I was awesome bc I wasn’t fat, ugly and batshit crazy! My looks are holding up great, and I think it’s bc I’m a healthy eater who doesn’t use chemicals on body or hair. I wish I could take a shower–I’m gonna take a shower I think even tho Chloe isn’t up yet–maybe I should ask chris first–Can’t
So I guess I will keep working now until she actually wakes up bc I got bored. I am listening to the white stripes and jamming out! Ready to brush teeth and get coffee taste out of mouth–out of coffee and that is a good thing–it is so tasteyuk after a while, and the flavored green tea is so much healthier without calories…might just brush taste out and switch to green tea. Yes. Fixed that and I’m back writing and smoking, with music and a good drink, waiting for Chloe to get up. I’m so sick of being limited by my role as wife/mother…I have things to do and instead I am waiting around for Clo for a while now and should have just taken a shower a while ago when I had idea. But I am also currently rocking my outfit, so not sure, I guess I could just put it back on after a shower or I could take a bath instead but no bc I wouldn’t be able to hear her. Must wait.
C is busy and can’t respond to my email asking him if my novel concept should be pursued since it is about him too and I don’t feel like I can keep writing on it until I hear back. I’m gonna be sorely disappointed if he says he thinks no to doing it for the reason I fear, which is he wants our marriage to stay between us and not be written about! I think that’s what he’s gonna say and that is so unfair! Must send text
Still no response and I am completely stalled! Asked for a lunch response. I don’t want to keep going on this and the time is wrong anyway so maybe I sd just go back to regular journaling for now and stop posting on fb!
I’m gonna take a cool bath and listen to the music and figure Out what to do after that…still filled with love and thoughts of eating today! Pain level low, Chloe has eaten, need to pick out an outfit, maybe all black, and take a slow bath. I don’t think I need to shave. Maybe we could have sex tonite now that we have remastered the art of sleeping together again!
So, woke up alone with ibs from those tomatoes and also serious arm spasming…letting meds kick in, then I’m gonna start typing up all this material. New thought to make it interesting–it’s a fantasy add-on, some of the instances will be very realistic, others my idea of how they could have gone, at end no one is sure what is real and what is made up! Could make it fun to write, after all put together. Should be a good read…I could blow up sex scenes into multiple tellings that span the story. I could let Christopher’s character tell some of it, like when I’m too sick. Too spasmy to type, bored listening to music and taking selfies, doing my hair, taking more selfies and had to stop bc my next caption was gonna be beautiful girls aren’t a portrait for you to jump into. Maybe wouldn’t be such a bad idea, I’m mad at fb audience bc they still don’t want to hear about my work even tho the whole point of my pics has been to get readers! This is impossible! Can’t even type on my phone! It’s like I’ve been having an attack ever since I started eating those tomatoes on Sunday! Never again! Must be the acid! If it’s truly the tomatoes causing the ibs and the spasms, I’m fucking done with them! Yesterday I laid around exhausted and sick! I have been chatting with a seminary student in Pakistan, but he had to go. Pretty soon Christopher will get up so I can’t go into office even tho I probably could type now.
I am feeling so very maudlin and a little amped up–I am depressed, like halfway, I think. Just posted about my life being beautiful and painful, that’s why I write about it, that’s depression light talking, I think. I wish I could trust my own feelings! I need to take my meds in a sec before he gets up. I think I’m too late…Either he’s up, he fell out of the bed, or tripped on a toy. I’ve gotta clean up but I just wanna write today!
We realized last nite when my body was spasming that I always assumed this was anxiety but it’s really fibro and that means it started when I was 13. He also told me the other day that he thinks the reason I was so spazzy afraid at nite when I was a girl was bc I was really upset about my father…this was truly eye opening! He is so insightful about me and my life, always has been, we’ve always had the best conversations, we’re having them again and it is such a comfort. He seems like he has always felt that his life has been easier than mine, even tho he thinks my parents were rich. He’s always so giving and helpful to me. These things are his true worth to me, I think, bigger than a paycheck or even being a great dad, he always invests his thoughts and feelings into me. It’s something I can’t say I return, everyone has different talents, etc but it is priceless the way he can assess a situation pretty quickly and come up with great insights. And even tho he knew a lot of negative things about me, all the ones I knew, he never wavered in his desire to protect and support me, giving me such good love, marrying me. And once what was coming in my mind came, he was steadfast and true, didn’t bitch or really even act out much, just kept it going until I regained my faculties again. He never really threatened to leave me bc I was acting so f-ed up, it’s like he trusted me to complete the task and be better for it, just very quietly, like he just assumed I’d be able to handle this disaster called my childhood!
Love poems to C–
We are finally
Walking together again
After my timeout in the dark side.
Your legs much longer than mine,
But that doesn’t matter anymore
Because we are talking and
Making plans again,
Just like it never happened
But we know that it did.
We are still committed,
Walking out the front door
With our daughter right beside.
Considering tabling marriage novel
I think I am thinking more clearly and not feeling creative anymore…it’s like there really are two sides of me, creative and regular. I have zero ideas as to how to proceed. I think summer is a terrible time to focus on anew novel, for one, and also I can take the memoir and the novel and combine them fairly easily, then submit.
I feel completely blank when I think about it and it is a big letdown. But also not so much because I feel really grounded after the challenges of this week. I feel like I want to go on a diet, spend time doing art with Clo, and still feel like having sex with chris, so all these things seem like good goals. Also, I want to change title of goi back to leaves subsiding and resubmit on authors.me…do some cleaning projects, organize, cook, etc. get ready for therapy tomorrow, too.
I think I should just table the marriage novel, best way to move forward…
So, I found out thru fb that my dad’s father died this past week. Also, Rhonda got on my fb page. Seeing a pic of my dad and his siblings was a shock to the system. Rhonda invading my space was also a shocker. Without realizing why, the fibro came back and I was having embarrassing muscle spasms that I couldn’t control until I deduced why they were happening. To my credit, I had agreed to go to a NAMI event with v and did not back off–it was sometimes a challenge, but I did a nice job acting normally with a little sticktoitiveness and determination, and I was really proud of myself for going to an embarrassing event about mental illness without revealing I was mentally ill and without chris going.
Anyway, my fibro is really about perceived emotional danger or stress from interacting in the past or present with anything having to do with my father. It’s like an activated muscle memory of my plight as a child.
I don’t know why I seem to remain such a mystery to myself and it’s really becoming frustrating. Just to figure out what is bothering me takes journaling and then reflection, even on things like the Tichenors which sd have been so fucking obvious! At least I persevered and they saw my awesome posts and that I dropped their stupid name. I won!
Maybe I will just stick to visual art for a while, pursue publication after combining the two stories, relax bc it’s summer. I feel I sd be focused on Chloe and Christopher, less about me bc I am getting so frustrated with the slow mess of figuring out what I feel about things that keep coming up–am I really this complex? Or is there a veil over me, placed by god or circumstance that makes it so difficult to figure me out. Maybe I’m supposed to be writing these journal entries–I sure have a shitload of them now–for other people to read someday and feel better about themselves bc they see my struggles and don’t feel alone anymore, feel hopeful…I can totally see myself splayed out for everyone to read, like a confessional, of a book that is journal entries and blog posts or something…More about this idea in later posts…also including fb posts and pics, too…it’s a good idea and also would be a cinch to compile.
So today is Sunday, and Christopher and I have therapy tomorrow…I am really getting to it now, I have no idea what I want to focus on…
this is a follow up from the beginning of the journal entry, but it occurs to me that I really did survive an awful childhood full of deception and confusion and wrongdoing–my dad was juggling several lives, most secret, and when he interacted with me it was simultaneously as a deceiver and a manipulator, both for his good and ill intents with me, prob not even able to understand his own sick behavior, not self-reflecting or taking the responsibility of parenting seriously–I feel that from what I can recall, he was using me for his benefit at every turn and always rejecting things that would lead me upon an independent path. It’s amazing to me that the only reason I got out of there alive were basic survival thinking skills until I felt safe enough in my adult life to reveal these facts to my astonished self!
Ok, so Christopher handled this TICHENOR development like a champ! He was calm, he listened but didn’t encourage me to keep freaking, he was encouraging me not to dwell on this and to just let it go as part of dealing with social media, etc. This way of managing the stress I share with him is his classic response–I was really freaking and my body was super shaky, but he didn’t focus on that and draw attention to it, he sort of redirected my thoughts and then slyly changed the subject. It took a day of ruminating after that to let it go and the shaking went away! This is proof that I work better as an individual with my husband’s input and support–it would have taken me much longer to deal with that blip had I been on my own, I would have blown it out of proportion if left to my own devices…
I am feeling quite level headed and calm today, much more so than yesterday. I think Christopher was right again, that I had to adjust to the pain meds and now I’m better than ever before, it feels like. My body feels healthy and I’m pooping great, eating pretty healthy and have dropped a few pounds too. I am looking forward to cleaning when everyone is awake, and feel like today will be a pleasant, family day.
We are slowly coming together with our parenting. It seems again that we are in agreement or can come to a quick consensus in situations that arise. This is so fucking comforting–it feels like it used to feel before this past year. We are evaluating and reevaluating before making decisions for Chloe as a team, it really feels like. This is a huge example of our recent progress bc we are no longer arguing over Chloe anymore, and she is beginning to see us as a unit again, which comforts her I can tell. Last nite she really pled her case for wanting a sleepover with me, so we gave in but didn’t look weak. She told him something like she knows she’s gotta be a big girl soon but she just wants a little time with her mommy! She is incredibly bright and insightful about herself and is an excellent advocate for her needs, which Christopher and I really need, based on the results driven type of parents we are, I at least always think first of what I imagine I should do in a situation to get her closer to long term goals, and forget to think of immediate needs she has and also to trust that she will progress naturally on her own path.
I have started entertaining the idea that we are a really lovely family, the three of us. If we can just stay on this path without my mood redirecting us, we will be in good shape on this trajectory. There really is so much love between us all–it’s like we’re a triangle of love and everybody’s glued to each other, not like Chloe is the glue between us like in my family growing up. It’s like chris and I both have paths that are parallel and Chloe’s in between making her own way already at six. She’s so self-directed, something really rare, especially this early, that I see nothing but a beautiful future for my daughter–I had a lot to do with this, I think, since I’m the primary parent since birth–even though I struggled a lot in my own life, somehow I was lucky enough to still be able to instill the values I think most important in her, however I did it–excelling in school, being loving and kind, doing constructive things. I think things really are going great now and can continue that way from here on out.
Which maybe brings me to a sad fact–I am the only one who derailed my family! Christopher didn’t do it, even with the abuse. Chloe obviously had nothing to do with it…so, why did this happen? I now no longer believe god saved my life. If he did, why did he allow me to have a mood problem in the first place? Why did he allow robin Tichenor to abuse me and throughly confuse me? It makes much more sense that there isn’t a god and what’s left is the sad realization that this condition, physical and mental, of mine can only be explained by evil in the minds of men who aren’t intelligent enough thinkers to proclude their own evil acts before they occur and cause their daughters to struggle for no reason except their own baseless gratification. The amount of bullshit I have gone thru and put everyone around me thru can be explained by the mysteries of a broken man who couldn’t control his own sick impulses or prob even pause to reflect before committing them. My father is, as my stepfather described, a sick fuck. More than even I know, which is a lot. I can’t believe he isn’t just smited down in broad daylight, or just pls go thru with killing himself, which is what he should have done to avoid sexually abusing me my entire childhood, using my absolute innocence to mask his behaviors, copying the behaviors of his own abusers, blocking out the rape day, protecting himself from realizing the truths of his behavior.
So, who is really to blame for the almost destruction of my own chosen family? Is it me or him? I might have developed coping skills and survival strategies to make it to adulthood, but I most certainly was not intact and ready to live a good adult life. So, those misguided mechanisms got me out of that house, but they made me incapable of functioning and growing as an adult. So can we state that my father reached out from the past and tried to steal my family from me bc at heart I didn’t believe I deserved a lovely family bc I secretly had been aware my whole life that being abused and confused made me less than, a loser, a loner, just the way I’ve seen my dad since I was about 13 and realized something was wrong with him for real in a way that my own mother clearly couldn’t, being so Pollyanna herself and working so hard to instill this Pollyanna attitude in her daughter who always seemed so upset unless she was working on a project to take her mind off of feeling so dirty, small and weak.
It feels honest in a way to lay the blame on my father for my own failures to thrive bc it is the obvious answer. I acted a lot like him this year–threatening to walk away and be a loner, this is classic robin martyr behavior. It occurs to me that I also act a lot like my mom acted when I was growing up, the other half of the time. Maybe that’s the secret to my mood issues–looks like bipolar bc my two role models were diametrically opposed to each other–he’s all things negative, she positive, I wanted to emulate them both so I did. The mom side kicks in to prevent me from dealing with the dad side’s actions, and I just flip flop endlessly between these extremes. My dad spent a lot of time refuting my mother’s healthier approach to living, and she did the same thing when it came to something he said that I didn’t like or understand.
I really think I’m onto something with this line of thought. Somewhere in the middle of these extremes is my true self, shaped out of that kind of clash of ultimate positions. It’s the place I’m writing from now where I can see things very clearly for myself, I can create a position of my own by looking critically at my past because I can see it clearly without judgement or lament…there is no blame from me, it is probable that I am the cause of my family almost imploding, it’s because of the choices I made, even though I was in an episode, I was still in control and making my own choices. This is why it doesn’t matter what has befallen you, you are always in control of yourself even when you are completely overwhelmed.
It does no good to blame other people for your choices, behaviors or thoughts because I’ve been incredibly impaired and yet still able to make some kind of decisions or plans, however unsound these turned out to be, I still must own them. There is a wide range of possible choices and outcomes in any situation, you have to go on where you are mentally at the time and hope for the best outcome for everyone involved.
My dad didn’t almost ruin my life–I did that. Last few weeks I know and C knows, the mood change induced by the pain pills was almost destructive, overwhelming and public, and I was teetering on the edge of making some really dangerous choices. Luckily I hovered around disaster with my creative, messy and complicated feelings, but I worked through them and it took determination to make good choices and also to understand what was going on with me through conversations and journaling.
So, we have an answer: no matter what the circumstance, everyone is always in control of themselves and their behaviors, thoughts and decisions. All the time, even if you are understandably limited because of any number of factors. The owness is still on you and your current ability to think and decide a path. Robin Tichenor doesn’t have the power to destroy my personality, my dreams and goals, my chosen family unit! Only I can do that by allowing myself to get swept up in my emotions in a negative way, by allowing my moods to overtake me, or medicine effects to control my choices. I am feeling great now, greater than before this journal entry. I am thinking of compiling all these data into a polished piece, or adding it to something. This entry is proof that the premise of journaling to discover your true thoughts and feelings, or universal truths, really works!
Prep for therapy today, Monday 7/24/17
So, yesterday I had a few major breakthroughs somehow–could be the more stable mood after med change gave me the room I needed to think critically about my life. This main breakthrough, that I am always in control of my behavior, thoughts and even maybe feelings, is so major it’s hard to analyze how much it will improve my life if I can manage to adhere to it.
The other issue I want to discuss, although embarrassing, is our sex life. I would rather not tell terry about it, but Christopher won’t talk to me about this issue and we keep messing it up, so we must discuss as a group tonite bc there’s a lot of tension, at least on my end. I do not think Christopher finds me attractive anymore. It makes me feel wrinkly, fat, and too old for this relationship. I am incredibly attracted to my hubbie. I find that most of the time I am able to fairly easily put our issues aside, and have a desire to just be close and loving with him. I think each time we are together, it makes this work we’re doing seem like there’s a lovely payoff and that we will be able to come out on the other side of this thing stronger and able to thrive as a couple. I am starting to feel kind of alone in this struggle, which is unhealthy and not what I think he intends for me to feel. But that is the thing, the physical/emotional connection of sex should be something we are both trying to achieve, and I don’t feel this is reciprocated on his part and I would like him to explain this tonite.
I never stopped loving my hubbie when I was so very ill. Now that I’m no longer ill, I kind of expect him to just let things go like I did and let’s be happy together and move forward. I know this is unfair–it is hard to be on the receiving end of me and my moods for an entire year. I know, even tho I really can’t remember, that I must have done so many bizarre things and said so many horrible things. I know I must have made him feel confused, small and helpless with the myriad of behaviors and words, the insanity of being utterly frustrated to help or stop my actions, my fake insights and complete immersion in a nervous breakdown of epic, so far, proportions while he was still being forced to manage a stressful career, a gifted child, and a household when I was secretly draining our credit after attacking our assets with a full on assault just so I could have the stupid nice objects we’ve never been able to afford in the entirety of our ten year relationship and which I had been used to acquiring in my previous life.
I was, frankly, more interested in buying antique and rare ashtrays than I was in getting better or having a successful marriage. I was completely blocked out of reality, living in a tiny world of my own for no justifiable reason other than, it turns out, that I had a monster of a father and didn’t want to acknowledge that, it had always seemed so much easier to distract myself with so many things, including serious shopping issues. It was a simple kind of gratification, this adoring of objects and clothes and showcase pieces, I could pick something out and just have it, without bothering to consider what I was about to do to my family, it was a simple equation where I felt cleaner with the acquisition of each thing! Clearly, I had checked out.
It is difficult enough to stay together in the regular world with all its troubles and distractions, but I was gambling with the best part of my life so recklessly and completely, someone with C’s makeup must have been terribly threatened by what was happening to us and to him. I say this without judgement, C likes to be in control of a given situation so he can create a positive outcome, and I was constantly precluding this activity. I was like a balloon with the air coming out, literally flying in every direction, and there wasn’t a thing he could do to improve the situation. I am so fucking sorry C for this set of circumstances–I know I broke your fucking heart a million times in a million ways, I know I let you down on a daily basis, maybe more often than that, I know you did your very best to help me come back and to prevent me from causing irreparable harm to myself, to our daughter, and eventually to you. I think you managed like a hero would have, in this way–you came out intact, fairly, and you protected our Chloe and me too. You did admirably and I believe in your abilities to improve our life now so much more because you showed character, restraint, love and patience with this wife whom you couldn’t possibly understand or stop from talking and acting so recklessly.
So, this gets us back to intimacy and why we don’t have it. I really know why. It’s the things I just said, and I know it is no ones fault but mine that our love life sucks–I broke your spirit there for a second, and even tho you eventually recovered on your own, I have to ask you to forgive me for the wrongs I have perpetrated on you with my mood disorder, for the chaos I created in our quiet, nurturing environment, for my complete recklessness with the outcome of our life, for my inability to be loving and supporting to you during an entire year of work and parenting and even just keeping the house in working order.
You are right if you believe I checked out–I did fucking check out, so much so that I spent so much time creating a small, selfish and childlike world of my own, and it doesn’t really matter why I did that, it was wrong to you and I betrayed you completely by disappearing while standing right in front of you.
I am so sorry that I wasn’t loving on you everyday, making you treats, giving you kisses, collaborating with you on Chloe, making you feel good about yourself, and listening and supporting you in your career decisions like a wife is supposed to, like I did before this nervous breakdown. It is really unforgivable and I can’t expect you to forgive me at all for such a complete breach of your expectations of me as your wife and the mother of your only child, but I am asking now if you can find it in your heart to cut me some slack in light of the reasons behind the madness, if you can try again to believe in the idea of being happy and lighthearted again together…
…because I love you like no other–I want with everything I am to make this relationship not only work again but be better off. I want you in my life, everyday for the rest of my life.
you are my chosen love and partner and it’s the best love I’ve ever enjoyed, and I just ask that you might be able to forgive me for the awful things I’ve said and done, and not said and not done when I should have. There are a million things I can’t remember that I am asking forgiveness for, and I’m terribly sorry that I can’t name them all and ask forgiveness for each one.
You are the best person I have ever known, and I didn’t cherish you and I didn’t choose you over my own selfish shortcomings, it is all really unforgivable, I know, so overwhelming the amount of wrongs I did and said, I am so fucking sorry to you and will be for the rest of my life no matter the outcome of our situation, you didn’t deserve anything I did, you should be treated with the utmost of love and honor…
…I broke our vows with recklessness, I chose a nervous breakdown over you and our life and I was wrong and I am so sorry honey that I am so completely flawed. But at least I’m no longer damaged and I can participate again in this amazing loving life we created over the past decade–I want to make you feel better, to feel happy and satisfied with the decision you made so long ago so we can raise a stellar person, be content in our marriage, become a principal team, see our hard work pay off, and grow old together with tenderness and affection, and live out our last days together always.
I think I understand the task you are faced with, and get it that it could take you a long time to get to the place I’m at. I just ask that you don’t quit when things are hard for you, that you stay focused on what is at stake if we don’t fulfill our marriage destiny and so keep trying to forgive me everyday for maybe just one thing, so I can continue to enjoy the idea that you love and accept me in sickness and health.
Prep for therapy, 7/24/17
So, I am feeling amazingly light after crafting an honest and sincere request for forgiveness from my C. I had to send, even tho he’s at work, to take the chance that we could make some significant progress before therapy tonite and thus be set up for a breakthrough by the end of therapy. I meant everything I wrote and tried from my depths to convey how sorry I truly am for the breakdown and how very much he is loved. I know he will take me seriously.
Awaiting response…will update when I get it, although I might not get it before therapy I know.
I am feeling some trepidation about what his response would be, but mostly not bc I feel I did the best apology I could do. I hope I was clear and not long winded when I had to give some background facts of the breakdown. Truthfully, I didn’t realize how very sorry I was until I sat down to figure it out. It is a big relief, this unburdening and leveling myself at his feet, asking for what will hopefully be the biggest pardoning of my life if he really and truly does adore and cherish me at all like our vows would indicate. I think he really is committed for life. We shall see if this act can clear the air and help us begin on a fresh page. I want nothing more to feel practically, completely happy and fresh. I need absolution. I crave a new beginning after being cleared of my own limitations which caused our family to suffer bc I couldn’t deal with childhood things that shouldn’t even be affecting us now in the first place.
Now after it being 1 pm and he hasn’t responded to the apology, I am heart wrenched. Clo and I are together, but I am really far away. It was a mistake to give it to him at work–I feel like I’ve been cut apart and just waiting to be sown back together. We’re prob not gonna have the gleamingly beautiful breakthrough tonite that I envisioned…he won’t even take his lunch break to fucking read it! I am sick over this! I am so fucking disappointed! He never wants to read my stuff, like yesterday when I let him read that journal entry and he wouldn’t finish it and it doesn’t matter why. I am so sick at heart!
I just told him I don’t want to discuss this apology ever and don’t even want to know if he reads it. I am so stupid for emailing it and can’t do anything about this situation and I feel really juvenile. I am quite upset and don’t want to go to therapy tonite and don’t care if he wants a divorce if I don’t. I’m not the one who is not making this a priority. This is getting too complex–i think he should have read it, I’m not getting what i need again and it’s bc I ruined my marriage with my stupid fucking nervous breakdown and no one cares that I’m sorry and there’s nothing I can really do to improve my marriage after all! I am raw and exposed and it doesn’t matter except I just want to quit trying so fucking hard and let him try for a while because I’m totally fucking exhausted. I have been crying for two days straight bc of him and his selfish thoughtless behavior. The only thing he wants to do with me is get high and watch baseball. He’s not trying to be loving or spend real time with me–he’s sleeping in and playing video games and making me cry.
I am very unhappy. I am going to amend some of my behaviors and dial it way the fuck down!
So, the therapy follow up
I still don’t think he has read apology and I am getting pretty upset! He will come down in a sec and I am trying to decide whether I should ask him about it or not. My whole body is very tense and I didn’t sleep well. I feel stressed and unhappy. I don’t feel like I am functioning very well. Basically, he said he would read it last nite but after I thought he had come in from reading, he said nothing and later I bickered with him when we put Clo down bc I was so stressed.
Maybe I could just be casual and say can you let me know when you have read it…
I don’t want to lay anything heavy on him in the morning…
I think I may just be having a freak out. I am having trouble understanding my feelings around this issue and don’t want to start a fight at beginning of day, but I’m so out of sorts I don’t know what to do.
I didn’t like the way therapy went really either…I am really starting to dread him coming down and I guess I’m hiding out in garage, hoping to be able to let this all go. I’m gonna try some breathing…that helped me focus…
I ended up just saying I was feeling troubled over this and how important it was and he said he read it and liked it and we had a uneventful and quiet talk and he said he wished I didn’t put myself down, which was puzzling…I am just going to stop worrying–at least he read it, but the talk was reassuring and disappointing at the same time.
I still think that after discussing my feeling we should be happier in therapy and getting a lukewarm response to my apology, that I am gonna dial it back and just get back in the routine of taking care of Chloe and the house and stop trying to affect him and outcomes with all of this drive and feeling.
7/25/17 daily plan
-one load laundry
-pick up Clo’s upstairs mess
-do c’s resume
I am gonna get back into the household rhythm today! I am gonna focus on outer things for a change and feel better about the state of the house and not write or focus on inner turmoils I can’t solve.
I am going to clean and focus on Chloe and just taking it easy and enjoying my life.
I lost some weight over the weekend and am looking good. I am going to wear my cool red cutout shirt to the store. I gave myself a pretty cool haircut too, and I am looking youthful. This is all good.
C read my apology and thought it good. He is trying hard to participate in therapy. He is saying positive things. We are having bedtime issues with Chloe that I plan on addressing in the car here in a sec. I am concerned with her yelling out things like don’t leave me alone and I am lonely. C thinks it’s bc she doesn’t have friends. I think it’s bc she’s emotionally disturbed, really, and wonder about her path moving forward. It is confusing.
I’m going to go clean the bathrooms now. More later.
Did a bunch of housework, worked on the resume, spent a lot of quality time with Clo and even took a nap! There is still time left before c comes home, so now I’m gonna try and figure out what is really bothering me.
I think it’s that I feel like I’m working much harder on my marriage than he is…maybe I’m trying so hard bc I’m really trying to create something that can’t be. With this resurgence of my self and all the work I have put in to figuring me out, I think I sort of was trying to make us something we never were instead of just enjoying what we really are. We’re ten years in, and I was feeling so new that I think I was feeling so passionate about everything and us too and it naturally spilled over into wanting us to be passionate too. He’s just never been very emotional, somewhat dispassionate, but that’s why I can rely on him and trust him. He is steady going as always, and that is beautiful to me. This was never a romance to me really–not until recently. This was always a kind of deal, an agreement, more than a love affair. I can accept that. He takes such good care of me, really, doing way more than prob most husbands would do, to keep me healthy and feeling good enough to function. I want more than that, and I know I prob have it, he is just so reserved that you can never enjoy it. I wish he was more effusive, the way I am, but that isn’t who he is.
I am gonna put my writing aside until Chloe goes to art camp, and that includes allowing myself to get fancy with my feelings about him. He is too tired from working to have sex during the week. He doesn’t want to sleep in my bed, and maybe I truly prefer it that way too bc I have more freedom and don’t have to worry about bothering him.
If something sexual is gonna happen, and I’ve dropped enough hints, he’s gonna initiate it. I’m not gonna worry about it anymore. He had said in therapy that I needed to be direct, but I don’t want to really do that. I’d rather it be his idea, it’s better for me that way, but I’m not gonna worry about it now.
I am starting to feel better about things. Dialing it down is the right move. I don’t want to trouble him by going thru all those motions and thoughts again bc it was a sort of mistake. I know I am loved and that needs to be enough.
Not sure what to do now about all this aliveness and feeling that is thwarted. I am immature. I neglected all my duties bc I was writing so much! I have no audience currently. Maybe once Clo’s camp starts I’ll be able to be that way again and actually have the time I need to concentrate again.
I really want my own identity, my own passions, my own outlet. This just isn’t the time. I have to accept it and bide my time.
In most ways, I feel like I am the same person I was before I really remembered the abuse and the person I’ve always been trying to be, the person I couldn’t be until I had understood what had happened and could be free again. I should go to a rape survivors group in the fall or something to check in with these kinds of feelings or do some research to see if this means I’m over it and can move on. I’m gonna look now.
It appears I have gone thru all the steps, it just took 12 years! I read a lot yesterday, and dealing w an incest is like going thru the five stages of grief, and it is recursive so I’ve done some more than once and will keep doing them. Putting pieces in the things I wrote that chris read is telling that I really am where I thought–moving on! I also did some reading about C’s side of things bc he actually said “if this happened” in therapy and can’t read what I say or listen to me about it, and that is pretty normal after all and he is a victim too, it said.
He just seems unwilling, if that’s the right word, to think deeply or feel positively about this situation. I guess that is normal too and I can’t take it personally. But all the reading talked about how it’s a journey a couple takes together, that he should be supportive, and he’s not–he’s dismissive at best, usually combative. So is obi especially. It’s as if they think they can bully me out of this so then they won’t have to think about the implications, ignore what I’m going thru, and not have to feel this. I don’t know how to get help from them, and frankly I’ve been doing the work on my own and feel so renewed and capable for the first time recently. So, I’m not sure if I should really bring this up to him this weekend or when would be the right time, but I feel I could use some support and I don’t want to sit thru some group to get it from strangers.
I am about to try tv yoga. I watched some of it yesterday, and it looked pretty easy. I’m just gonna give it a shot. My dr said it will help with the fibro. I’m gonna try it without the yoga bra that’s too small first and see if I can manage. Much easier to do this at home. I need the distraction from dissecting the unsatisfying morning I just had with Christopher…I’m starting to think it a mistake to analyze things–I should go back to the choice I made after Chloe was born to just live where he lives, on the surface of things…more later
Yoga was challenging but good. It occurs to me that I have to change if I want a sexier, more loving life. I’ve got to stay up later. Once Clo was born, I started going to bed earlier and not spending time with him bc I was so tired. I am slowly learning to stay up, so I will make sure I am awake at nite for a few hours after she goes to bed, then tell him I’m going to be awake and to come have sex with me after he’s done w video games…this is a good idea! I could use this time to write on my phone and listen to music, my new fave thing! During the week it doesn’t matter, but it’s the summer weekend that counts! This makes me feel better, like I can affect the outcomes of this relationship! More later, gonna read my journals
7/26 day plan
-put up laundry
-make ravioli for dinner
-take Clo to park in the morning
-take a shower
-do an art project together
-take a nap
-put Chloe to bed
I just looked up how to help spouse deal with my incest, and a bunch of other articles came up too about emotional incest, something I had never heard of, and it turns out I’ve been doing this with Clo. I feel so guilty and terrible that I’ve been relying on her this year instead of working thru things with chris. I knew I was doing it, but at the same time I didn’t. I have to talk to chris about it and maybe get her in counseling, that is what is recommended. I knew my dad did this to me too and didn’t like the role he was giving me, and I knew in a way I was doing that to Chloe but at the time it started this was right after the incident and we both needed each other’s support but I think I took advantage of her willingness to help me and I know I did that and it became a habit of unburdening to her my confused feelings about my marriage and also my feelings about my mental illness–I am the shittiest mom that ever lived! I can’t believe I wasn’t strong enough to manage my own issues and problems and ended up acting like robin Tichenor!
I’ve got to break this habit today! I don’t know if I should talk to her about this or not, out her in therapy or not. I guess I should just feel it out or maybe try and call terry and get some advice on what to do to heal her. This must be why she says things like I’m lonely or don’t leave me at bedtime when bedtime is about me putting her down or her see me before she goes down. Last nite was a disaster! It went on for over ten minutes! It will prob just take time, giving her more support at nite now, hopefully to recede by the time school starts. I’ve got to fix this now. This is my fault, I’ve got to own it and then try to fix it. Wow.
This is so complex! It did bring us closer, kind of like aligned, against c and for each other. She began so healthy and I fucked her up! She isn’t making the transition to being aligned to c, that’s what the nitetime stuff is about.
I just texted c explaining this is the reason behind her difficulties, and asking if we could afford to send her to therapy. I didn’t want to alarm him but maybe I did. I did it because I was to set up therapy for her today and bc I am alarmed.
I need to write more about the incest stuff I’ve been reading, but I need to write about the emotional incest I’ve perpetrated against Chloe too. They are so closely related I fear. I have no help today about whether I should talk to her or not. C is not responding to my prob crazy texts! I shouldn’t have sent them. I am so fucked up! I think I should proceed to have a convo with Chloe today to explain and apologize. She will be up soon. I just need to go forward with my idea of talking to her, I think it’s the right thing to do and even without guidance I think I should talk to her in a brief, lighthearted way and then tell her I am going to let her be a kid again and try to help her unburden herself so she can feel lighter and not upset again.
What can I say to her? How about: I know you don’t know much about my father, but I’ve told you before that he was abusive. One of the things he did was tell me a lot of stuff about his marriage to obi and how he felt about it. My dad was also bipolar but didn’t take medication, and was always in bad or sad mood. I didn’t like it when I was a kid. It made me feel sad and I felt like I always had to cheer him up or side with him in an argument. I realized today that I have been acting like him and doing this to you this past year, that I’ve been sharing info about me and daddy’s relationship, and confiding in you about being bipolar. I think this is why you have trouble being alone and going to bed. This is my mistake, and I’m super sorry for doing this to you. I know I have hurt you and I’m sorry. Mommy won’t share adult things with you anymore and we will work to heal your spirit so you feel happier and less bogged down by things you can’t really understand. Mommy loves you so much and wants you to be happy. I am so very sorry for making you unhappy bc I’ve been unhappy. Mommy is happy now and things between me and daddy are going great. We will always be together and you can count on us. I want you to be a kid and be happy. At nite, we will work on making you feel more secure. It might take time, but it will happen before you know it.
I think this is why she has no real friends and always wants to be with me. I set up this situation unknowingly by taking her 5 yr old tendency to depend on me for everything and give her a reason to let me depend on her too, creating codependency. I think she senses that now that I want to make my marriage work that there’s an emotional vacuum in her now that she’s desperately trying to refill with me.
I am feeling really ok! I decided not to talk to Clo until I talk to c first…maybe I just overreacted to that info and blew it all out of proportion–made myself get sick–I think I might have done that, tho, but the solution is to stop. Maybe I should stop reading all this stuff online! It was very very upsetting that I parent the way he does–maybe I really don’t? I’m pretty sure I really do…
Clo is gonna sleepover at Tiffany’s tonite–first sleepover. She seems really into it and I think we can hide the trainer from Tiffany, but v is more concerned that Clo will miss me too much at bedtime. Now I am conflicted–I don’t want to stress Claudia out…I will talk to c about it.
I must have freaked him out bc he hasn’t called or texted. This is gonna be a strange evening. Plus my head is killing me. I wish we had Clo as a buffer. I have no idea what to expect. I’m gonna call him.
Title of journal novel–your memory is a mirror
It’s 3 am, I just woke up and checked my phone–no calls! Clo went to bed just fine over there!!!
C doesn’t think she has emotional incest even after my disclosure. We both agree that she just needed a friend…
We had a great solo evening–he wanted to have sex but I started period today…this explains all the erotic feelings I was having–I used to get that way in college when I was ovulating too!
So, it is 330, I can’t go back to sleep and it’s Clo’s first sleepover and that must be why…I’m tense and just took a muscle relaxer/t3…
C has a principal interview Monday am and they contacted him less than 24 after applying! I really think he’s gonna get it! I am a little apprehensive–what will it be like to be a principal’s wife? He is saying it’s no big deal, but it seems like me and Clo will be along for the ride, being with him at events, I will need to be up there sometimes or something, but I don’t really know…
I feel all weird bc of this strong period–
I am gonna go to the dbsa mtg tomorrow and have time to figure out what I want to talk about:
-feel we’re not making progress, although therapist says things take time. Felt I had been putting in way more effort than him–dialed down and so far I feel better but then we really won’t make progress…
-don’t feel supported in my incest survivor journey–I am always shot down when I bring it up, so I just really don’t–I am doing this alone without any help from anyone! He won’t pay for therapy either…
-got this haircut, renewed interest in makeup
-don’t feel that mature for my age-I know this is bc I’m bipolar and have arrested development
-I am happy to say that I am really happy with and proud of the life c and I have created and are creating and I’m so proud of my brilliant and talented Chloe, too
-I still think it’s a miracle I survived in march and rediscovered my beautiful life
-I am feeling so free and alive, grateful, sexual, wanting new experiences at 40
-but, then why do I still feel guilty about being myself, I mean being bipolar and an incest survivor? Guilty is maybe wrong word, maybe I feel deeply embarrassed or even ashamed for putting everyone thru it and I know I have no choice, so I’m stuck like–
even with c in the beginning, I always assumed I was just struggling with him in beginning bc I had been a shutin–maybe it was really bc he is weird and I just always deferred to him. I know from reading that he and obi are shutting me out bc that is what happens in a family and couple of incest. C said he was doing it bc we were having a difference of opinion–I think that secretly means he doesn’t believe me…I just woke up, Friday 7/28, and my arms are sore and feel like they are about to get shaky again…my lower back is extremely tender and painful–maybe some of this is the period too…I don’t feel connected to him now–I feel like we are two old friends who have a kid together, and that because of his nature and my bipolar life, we are separate now. All that work I put in this summer amounted to nothing! It was hard work on my part, but I guess I’m still behind–I feel behind, behind and a growing indifference…he kissed me when he got home and he never does that, so I think he’s trying, and then we disagreed when I said I had told his mom that I didn’t have family support for the incest issue bc he wasn’t listening and thought I meant for bipolar, which was the reason she is willing to pay for therapy, and he says, what about the hospital? I’m hoping he mainly meant tomball regional bc he did sit there for five days, but I hope he didn’t mean visiting me in the mental hospital but I think he did bc he was so uncomfortable there and came drunk one nite. I think he performs better than most men when it comes to functioning around my breakdown, but not of course the incest. I feel so sick of having issues, but this one must come out so I’m letting it no matter what happens…
Big news! Beginning next entry!!!
I got a writing job this am, and it fits with my schedule!!! My current summer schedule!
I won’t make much, so I’m gonna ask c if I can keep my earnings–actually I’m gonna tell him!!!
This is a game changer! I’m just waiting on my contract now, then do on job training by getting paid to practice, then working!!!
I feel so happy and self-confident! I woke c up at dark thirty to tell him, expecting him to be so excited he’d wake up, but no dice! Just for fun and excitement, I got all dressed up and took a bunch of vids and pics to commemorate and then…
…c also wants to have another baby! We went out to celebrate my job for lunch, then I said it, then he said it…I am just gonna tell him on Thursday that the drs said it was safe, I already know what they’re gonna say!
I can’t believe this is happening–it’s takes both of us for everything, and if he’s willing than so am I! I have been thinking about this for a while. Just told Brian…I have been thinking of wd it be for the right reasons, etc and how I wanted a baby in my life. He said he did too, that he really always had…I really want it now–want his baby! Bc he did too and always has, bc we’re getting almost too old, we’re smarter now, bc we love each other and always will, bc Clo would love it, it would be an amazing thing to all do together, so amazing…
Brian thinks no, and I’ve told him pretty much everything…fb thinks no too, and they don’t know anything! I wouldn’t be able to smoke or take fibro pills anymore either! Plus, we’d have to stay together for 22 more years, too…going 7 hrs without pain pills seems so impossible, but I could do it…do I truly think that he and I will still be together? Only if both want it enough, but then what I was I doing this week? I was just looking for the attention I didn’t think he was paying…At least there’s already an alarm on my phone…I should already want to do this, but I’m gonna have to get a lot tougher if I want to keep my marriage, I think…I need to figure out if I want to stay and if I want a baby with him…even if there was any man to choose from, I really think I would still choose him…I am almost 100% about that!
What if I were pregnant and he a principal? He’s such a super pushover when it comes to discipline! He might not be able to handle a boy! I’m sure he could…I wanted to tell Clo but decided that should be done together. I can’t believe I am letting myself want this. This could get very scary very quickly. We fought today, screaming fuck u across the house! He’s got that no period sex issue…this marriage is definitely real again, hehe!
Saturday 8:15 am–
So, I have been just thinking and thinking. We both agree it would be a little crazy. I might have talked myself out of it–our marriage is still somewhat in trouble, I’m older, less meds, we already have Chloe and so pregnancy might be harder this time…but I really want to hold a little person I made again, want to see what gender/what baby would look like and act like, feel a desire to take care of someone completely again like that. I’m really surprised by my feelings! But on the other hand, I am afraid I won’t want that responsibility again, to start over with a person from 0-18, when I’m already six years in…I’m not sure…more later…
Now I feel I could go either way–we are all over the place, but I’m being too critical. He wants to replenish our weed supply, and I do too. I don’t know if I really want to start all over again, not be able to smoke and drink, not have time to write novels, etc for years! Chloe is very independent–we can basically do whatever we want bc she’s occupying herself now–plus my school days are free except for a few hours a day for writing job…i feel selfish for not wanting to give up all this hard won free time I’ll have once school starts again–time to write novels…
…I’m over that! I’ve been crying over names and nursery designs–I’m in! Charles or Violet Adele! Boy colors–lime green and navy, girl colors-purple and hot pink!
…now, must talk to dr Monday and see what about the medication…I hope I am still as fertile as I was, but if not it’s not meant to be…I’m pretty sure I am–my ovaries are hurting just thinking about it!! I am glad I journaled thru this to discover I want this very much! These names rock! C got me a iced coffee!! I told him my period stopped this am–maybe we will have sex! This is a really great few days!
We talked about going to therapy once a week, and I think we should, to work out these differences before we start trying for a new baby…
I will start work tomorrow morning! Also, must go up to office in a sec and redo my w9…
I am excited! Although, reason I haven’t gone to office yet is bc I’m having back pain and also period hasn’t stopped and is bothering me…I don’t know how I’m gonna go without any pain meds at all–need to research these drugs and see if I could maybe take them while preggo…I can!!! Omg–what a fucking relief volcano!
Ok! This is gonna work out then! I have to figure out a way to rangle them into helping me clean up today bc I am in pain and my body is stiff and awkward–can’t even take a shower! Now I don’t feel bad about going to sleep earlier than I wanted to last nite.
C has his big principal interview tomorrow! He went and had coffee with a principal friend yesterday, told me some of his insights, i think he’s gonna be ready! I’ve just got to get his suit ready–think I know which shirt, suit and tie! I am so excited! He’s gonna get a 15k raise when he gets a principal job–omg! Plus, according to my calcs, I’ll be bringing home at least $900 bc I’m filling out a freelancer w9!! We’re gonna be fucking rich! I’m gonna be able to create a better home, cook whatever I want, and create a kickass nursery! Our family evolves and is evolving! I will be able to have target maternity clothes this time, and buy whatever art supplies I want, altho I’m losing my art room for baby room, but I don’t care–won’t have time for art after baby’s born anyway!
We are gonna start trying on august 8!! That nine days from now! Although, period still on so I guess that’d make it august 10 if it stops today, which Jesus it has to! Periods are disgusting and I’m gonna go on continuous pill again until menopause if I can successfully quit smoking while pregnant this time which is the goal. Then I can never have a period while preggo and never again afterward!!
It is amazing to think of having a family of four and going places and doing things together! It seems like the magic number and I’m so fucking happy I can’t stand it! Of course I’m assuming I can get pregnant just like last time, quick and easy! I hope this is meant to be and everything will work out bc I want this so very much! More after a rest
So, I am thinking that I am gonna start focusing on what I want out of a situation and ask him what he wants. Direct and simplified. We seem to again be on the same page, committed for life, so this shouldn’t be all that hard anymore. This seems like a mature and useful prism in which to see the relationship–thinking about what we want and then how to get there.
So, things have taken a turn for the excellent today! I’m writing for Walmart–!!!–and can write up to 50 product descriptions a day and have until 3 am to turn them in! Hopefully my explanation for my inability to answer the q about toll free number will suffice, as my other answers on quiz, and I will be able to proceed today with my practice five! It’s Walmart and it’s mainly fucking jewelry!!! This is the absolute, most perfect job for me! Simple formula for the descriptions, write when I have time until school starts but hopefully I get the assignments and can finish up before she wakes up for rest of summer, then starting in the fall I have all fucking day to churn these puppies out–I could make at tops $2000/mo if I’m writing 50/day and I could stay on disability for at least another year while working too! This should be cake writing! I just turned in my quiz an hr ago but haven’t heard back yet about my answers–I tried really hard but couldn’t figure out where to find the toll free #–I wrote a little explanation for that, and I’m hoping my answers are correct on everything else–the longer the is taking, the more I’m starting to worry over that fuck up answer–surely they would not fire me, I’ve already filled out a contract–surely they would just have me redo the quiz–I can’t lose this fucking cake fucking job! I can’t believe my luck–this job is perfect for me and for such a client with all the possible products to write about and my work will appear on Walmart.com and I love jewelry! There really must be a god bc this job is like tailor made for me and pays really well and will go on and on and we will be able to afford to to nice things and buy nice things like never before–maybe even go on vacations–chris wants to go to Hawaii and I wanna go back to my fave and happiest place of all vacation time–Jamaica!
Also, C’s interview went great and the super passed along that there will be a position for him and I think he at least has the curriculum AP job, at least, if not a principalship!!! $15,000 raise, plus my $$–almost $2000/mo raise!!! Omg, we’re fucking rich and we’re both doing something we pretty much love! ❤️❤️❤️ He said he will build me a pc for work and repurpose the art room into an artist’s office!!! I am super thrilled! I can decorate it all adorable and be so super serious in there! But, soon we might have to convert it again to a…
…baby room! I found out today that I can take all bipolar meds and even the fibro pain meds if I can’t go without them, which I am currently trying to and getting pretty pained…I gonna start tapering off the cigs today, taper with the weed to be stopped by the 8th when I ovulate next, easy to quit drinking…I am beside myself w joy over the whole exciting and fun process that’s about to begin on the baby front–trying to get preggo, pregnancy tests and constantly wondering if I’m actually pregnant, going to the dr, eating and sleeping for two, getting everything together and preparing the nursery, all the fun shopping, this time sewing and painting, easy c-section delivery, meeting the new baby and getting to see him, omg I want a boy so much it is killing me! I love our names, too–Charles Christopher or Violet Adele–they rock bc they’re so old school! A baby girl named Violet would be amazing, so fucking cool! Baby Vi! Baby Charlie–that’s the ticket right there! Omg, I want to be fertile still so much! I wonder if there’s an otc fertility test?…gonna look it up on Walmart grocery…no
So I have decided to save most of my money from working for going to graduate school! 80% of my own earnings will go to my own education! This is so fucking awesome idea!!!
C just bought her $50 worth of books just now! Things are getting pretty interesting! Also, he asked me to decide exactly why I want another baby and then preventing me from explaining it, then said he wasn’t sure yet and didn’t want to hear my reason. I guess there’s a chance I won’t end up with a baby…this sux! I’m pissed! Ps I super love my new short shag hair and all my new clippies! I’m gonna start my own Etsy account tomorrow am and then just sell whatever I feel like making!! My life is fucking kickass!!! I am so tired, but we said we wd put her to bed together, and I better start getting better about doing what I say I’m gonna do! Gotta stay awake…successfully put her down together! We are picking up momentum!
I think I’m changing my mind about grad school–I already have a kickass job that seems like it’d be easy so I can do it no matter what, plus it pays well…it’s kind of juvenile to go to school at 45–that ship has sailed…this way I can spend/save up for whatever I want! I want C work clothes, art supplies, clothes and bras, first. Save for office, decorations, nursery, Pyrex, laminate, new carpet, car, Hawaii!!!
So, we have decided that I’m to ignore my mother and her lack of response. My texts were so effusive and thorough, but she didn’t have a response! If this is her attempt to control me with her disapproval, it’s not gonna work. She has many issues and motives when it comes to me, and they are all about my bipolar and negative, so I’m not gonna let her do this to me again! If it were up to her, me and Clo would live in a hermetically sealed box! She didn’t even respond to my work texts except to say super cool! so I’m just gonna stop sending texts altogether!
I am so super excited about starting the writing for my job! Highly motivated to write and earn! Emailed my supervisor, Carolyn, to see when I can expect my first assignments just in case I missed some from yesterday since it’s a new system and I don’t wanna fuck up this perfect job by missing them! Gonna go check in a sec!
Chores for today: litter box, which I’m fixing to do, dishes, hopefully floors, pick up clothes on bed and room, bathroom counters, Chloe’s room…gotta get back on the housework. I am thinking I can check for work, if none, then do a chore, check back, etc. this plan might work!
It appears to me now that all truly close families have wonderful mothers. That’s the prerequisite–a loving, caring mom.
So I am fibro sick again, I guess, or maybe it’s just a bug–realized yesterday that I had had diarrhea for a week and also feel kinda hurty. C is going to an Astros game tonite and it’s 9 am and I’m finally gonna wake up–this is still gonna be a really long day! Yuk! I took medicine earlier and think I can work and take care of Clo now, so that’s good.
In a sec, I’m gonna go check on my desktop to see if there’s work today yet, but prob not bc it’s just now 9…I’m not doing art today, only chores, and at some point we are going to the store for candy and cigarettes today, too…so, chores I feel I can do today–pick up room, pick up Clo’s room, living room, kitchen. I’ve already picked up trash and emptied hall bath trash. Also, my counter.
So I’m about to go check for work again, if none then take a shower even tho I might wake up little miss. I am incredibly bored bc there’s no work and I’m ready and there’s no art I can do in my fave, snazzy necked tank for fear I’d get paint on it and can’t replace now…
C thinks I’m acting manic, and there is either the beginning of that going on bc of all these new life happenings, or I am just happy, a foreign feeling most of my adult life. It’s actually hard to remember what it really feels like to be happy bc it’s been so long and also I forgot the feeling of it. I do feel overall calmness tho, so maybe it is happiness and not mania?…time will tell.
I’m out of pain pills and don’t want to refill although I think it’s too early today anyway. My gyno said I could take them while conceiving/pregnant, but c and I don’t want me to. So far, I’m 6 hours into the day without real noticeable pain. I’m really surprised. This too must be a god thing bc earlier in this very week it wasn’t possible to go without a dose! I am gonna cut the muscle relaxers in 1/2 starting with next dose and see if I can manage without them. That is best.
I have had a blast this am posting on fb and instagram! I will have 1900 friends soon!
I have decided to seriously pursue publication next week while Chloe’s at camp, if she will actually give this art camp a try and I have the time. I’m gonna do this instead of spreading myself thinner by pursuing a painting career or getting another writing job. This is the best idea–I can write the majority of the day and paint after I do a few chores, before I know it it will be time to pick her up from camp and make dinner! I hate chores! I will do two medium chores a day only and spend my time writing and painting!
I have a fab life now! I’m so grateful that I survived to see this day when I am working as a writer again, enjoying my amazing Chloe, back on track in marriage, planning for a baby, trying to get published, so ecstatically happy!
8/4/17 journal entry
So, I am trying a combo of Imodium and an extra muscle relaxer to combat this unending diarrhea! Second round of Imodium in two hours–haven’t been eating much all week, and have reached the end of the actual output and mostly just having muscle spasms there, is what it seems like, and this is definitely part of the rockiness of both my bipolar and fibro, so intertwined, as a result of the major life changes, although all positive, I am experiencing now–landing a new Writing Dream Job that affords me free time to raise my Chloe and also work on novels and paintings, our now finalized decision to try for another baby, and C’s upcoming promotion which is no longer in doubt, his raise, his longer working hours while I’ll be working and doing more for Chloe. This is a lot to take in, although all positive, and my body/mind reaction is to get overly excited, make too many plans when you can’t predict the future, preshop on Pinterest for preggo, yoga, loungewear and funny graphic tees, start preplanning my office/art room, get terrible diarrhea, have cramps all over, lose weight (size 2, although snug, status achievement!–I am looking like a youthful girl killing it w my new Haircut, cute hairpins, tight comfy clothes right now, let me tell you!) and posting too much on my awesome fb page! So, it seems to be settling down now–I feel excited but calm this Friday am, a little anxious about the comments I will read in a sec re my first product descriptions and about doing a quick and stellar job churning out these descriptions so I can get to writing 50/day in the fall, I am feeling reassured and happy about me and C’s decision to make a serious try and conceiving on the 8th and about to call dr arene for guidance, I’m about to attempt to sign up for citizenship class training and allowing myself to get really excited about doing that, and the house is a disaster and chris is off today so I am gonna force he and Chloe to help me clean up in effort to put everything back where it goes and to get ready for the sleepover that is scheduled for tomorrow nite!
It is actually taking me a lot of effort to really accept the new life that all of these changes indicates–a Dream Job and a baby and a promotion means A Happy Life and I am used to being bipolar sick and disappointing everyone, always being broke and being a career failure! Those things are in my past life, I keep telling myself, I had to endure those things for a while, for a season, and it’s because of that they me and my family are now given positive, super positive, life events and processes that will allow us to enjoy a large measure of success and happiness–that is the current season!
The current season is Happiness and Success! Even if one of these new positive aspects were deleted by an unseen hand, I would still be quite happy! I am not used to feeling happy. My twenties were a sick, miserable disaster and I was quite unhappy and doing a lot of negative stuff. The first happy time of my adult life was me and C falling in love, setting up house, getting married, having Chloe and moving into my dream house in the perfect location. This is Happy, Phase 2–both get new jobs, both career futures looking so bright, trying to add a new person to our family and getting ready and getting Chloe ready for that, new phase of trying harder for publication of goi renamed leaves subsiding bc it’s an awesome title, new seriousness to painting on canvas, having $$ to buy whatever with once we motor thru the debt–it’s all a little overwhelming but feels good and I feel I am capable of enjoying this new second phase of happiness and like I earned it by pushing thru a lot of suffering and despair. I am feeling ready to enjoy this very positive season of my life, and it’s perfect that it’s beginning right as I turn the page away from my thirties by turning forty in twenty days!
I spent at least a month before this awesome week’s news not feeling chained to mania and allowing myself to be healthy, working hard on personal goals of feeling peaceful with past and able to enjoy the moment when with Chloe or C, setting some pretty high goals for my writing ability like landing a work-from-home gig and getting novel published by big firm, and simply luxuriating in the joy of not being so sick. I was preparing for this season, knew I deserved it, but couldn’t know it would start so fast or be so rich–how can you know? I guess the best anyone can do is try and be ready for it and to be able to enjoy it, not take it for granted when it arrives, and not waste it when it comes…
I am relieved and happy to say I am ready to enjoy being happy! We have an appt to discuss pregnancy and my meds on Monday w my all time fave psych, dr arene. I just left a msg to sign up for citizenship class training!!!! I am about to go in and sit down for work, prob only to read the comments from first round and the new work will prob come later on today, so I’m in no real hurry. I am so excited that I’m back at size 2, but the jeans were snug so I need to lose maybe 5 more lbs which I can hopefully do by Monday. Clo starts drama camp on Monday, and went to a play last nite w grama to get inspired–I fell asleep and didn’t get to hear all about it, but I was kinda awoken when she was telling chris and she seems excited and also took a pic w tinker bell and was telling me that but I couldn’t really wake up to hear her–I’ll ask when she wakes up. C and I were gonna have sex but assumed she’d be sleeping at grama’s and that we’d have tons of time and so missed our chance bc she came home after the play–I remember being barely awake but disappointed–I was ready for action! Maybe tonite after bedtime we can–I am gonna take a nap after I write today’s work so that I’ll be able to be alert after bedtime and we can have an encounter!
I have 15 more mins till 10:00 when I go up and check the office, so I’m gonna just journal. I think this coffee has been part of the problem this am, I poured another cup but haven’t taken a sip in at least 15 mins and my stomach feels much more settled and less like I’m gonna spontaneously puke or have guts-wrenching diarrhea. I can’t rest my arm on my stomach either. So fucking sensitive–everything about me! It gets a bit too much too much of lately!
I don’t think I really need these fibro pills anymore, at least not the t3 of which I have now skipped four doses! If I needed it, I’d really know by now. I’m not gonna take the next muscle relaxer either, and see how I do. It definitely a mood disorder too, prob the other half of my bipolar really, and I am thinking that as long as I am taking the time to journal out and understand my feelings every morning and as needed throughout the day, I will be able to keep my emotions in check and not flip out and either be in physical or mental anguish–anguish really is the right word for it! It is my responsibility to understand myself so I can stay emotionally fit and ready to face my challenges and achieve success! I really honestly believe this and I know from doing such extensive personal work since my attempt that I am so much healthier and happier than at any pervious time in my life!
My happiness stems from: doing my personal work and knowing I’m ready to experience happiness, my new job, C’s most likely new position with more influence and positive challenges than ever, Chloe is so fucking intelligent, has a high reading level with no effort, is gonna rock first grade, she’s gonna practice acting for the rest of the summer, I might get pregnant and it’s good I don’t need pain pills it seems, enjoying my entire day each thing I did, etc. learning so much from being in therapy with C, getting along and in agreement again, feeling sexy and wanted, it’s like the beginning all over again and it’s super fun! And the stuff, too! I also can listen to any song I want for 5$, too, which improve things! This is definitely the beginning of the best part of my life–my forties! Having a baby, having dream job, being married, being happy all together, it’s like a dream life no one could deserve! So very happy!
I would much rather be an editor for pay and also write novels–easier to write a novel…writing these short things is deceptive bc I can’t tell a story and it can’t be long enough to try. Like the idea of protection when writing about a laptop sleeve–I was trying to sell the idea of protection. You can’t do that. I had to cut all that great material which means I wasted time writing about it, means I get paid less for more work. I just turned in second round of one pd before I redo all three for the third time. C is saying everyone should give it a rest and call it a night. I’m gonna have to walk up and check every 15 mins until mid nite now! Maybe I am failing miserably right now. Maybe this is me about to get fired. C just kicked me off the fucking computer and we’ve already been fighting over it today, so I just shrugged and said ok. I will come up and kick him off at 11:30. And once an hour until I get some, fix it, return early in the am tomorrow. I guess that could mean I could change plan and just be in office by 4:30 am tomorrow and go to bed at a decent hour. It’s prob later than Carolyn will be at her desk anyway. Getting up super early is a lot easier for me and my mind will have had a long rest, this is the best plan.
8/5, 7:30 am
I really worked myself up after I just woke up thinking about how Dana kinzer emailed me that I was struggling after I turned in first round. They told me to study, so I made that comprehensive study guide and told them about it, then used it for both rewrites (although I only rewrote one for second time) and turned in last nite around 11 pm. When I just went to office to see if I had comments, I didn’t. I don’t know why–is it bc the stuff was turned in that late at nite, or bc it’s so shitty they are shun firing me? I am gonna check back at 8 and then again at 915 to see…I think I gave myself a big fucking disadvantage by not initially thinking to make the goddamn study guide! I thought there was a learning curve, but it appears not. I learn from doing and that is the wrong learning style for on the job training, it appears. I think I am gonna get fired now bc I didn’t redo all three with correct understanding…sometimes being a former teacher doesn’t pay off…
I’ve gotta think of something else bc I am so stressed out! One more thing–I am having trouble concentrating and recalling the info and I think it’s because of my meds–I feel slow and foggy, unable to be an agile thinker–I feel heavy and overmedicated! Well, if these things are contributing, I’ve got to learn to fight thru it so I can figure out what I need to do to be successful! There is a way, people take this combo everyday and have much more stressful jobs than mine! Maybe too I’m not used to focusing like this and need to turn the corner…
On a high note, c came down to visit me after Clo went to bed last nite! It occurs to me now that he does always kind of look into my room one time before he goes upstairs to play vids, I just never realized until last nite that he was trying to come in! It was very nice to realize this and hang out for a bit with my sweet husband–more evidence that we are doing so much better!
I need a checking system for 9-5…and 5-9 and 5-9…how about I somehow switch to the laptop and put it in the garage…then, I am constantly checking and writing all day…I think I can easily type in those websites and pull up all the info on my laptop, get out the mouse, etc and set everything up out here. Now there’s a fan, too. Maybe I will be better at the then and also it won’t be a big deal to check my workdesk. I’m gonna work on this now…more later…
…after slogging thru all that info and busting my ass to learn the technical info and rewriting my product descriptions, I was let go from the project–they loved my enthusiasm and drive to succeed, but said I’m a creative writer not a technical one and that’s that! She suggested I stay away from technical writing and focus on more creative types of work for my next project…in a way, I am relieved bc I wasn’t comprehending the way to write in that manner, and I was spending inordinate amounts of time learning and failing.
I need to accept that you can’t change a leopard’s spots and not get bogged down feeling like a failure–it just wasn’t a good fit. I can start looking for another job whenever I’m ready and find something better suited for me. This is ok–I wasn’t earning anything before, I’ll get paid like $10 for what I did which I will buy a graphic tee with! V just said that being a mother is a job, and it’s my fave job–I will focus on trying to be healthy enough to conceive and looking for another project! I am ok! Just got freaked for a sec…
Ok–here’s the game plan, must be approved by C:
-focus on conceiving
-submit for pub every morning
-work on art in free time between chores
-look for a creative job/project
-eventually, work/sell art and raise baby and Chloe, do chores
-wait to earn $$ thru art and novel
So, he will have to agree! I don’t think the priority is really me earning, I am assuming he agrees that main priority should be conceiving and raising a baby…we’ll see–he will wake up in a sec!
I am just gonna go with this turn of events and not allow myself to have some kind of emotional shootout over it–if I’m not a technical kind of writer, and I’m just a natural at being a creative writer, that’s not a bad thing. It good to know who you really are and what’s a good fit for you. It’s good to be something you actually want to be!
If he has a problem with this, I think it’s only gonna be at first and once I explain to him what has actually occurred I think he will get behind my decision and support it…
He handled it all wrong and I eventually kicked him out of the house until he eventually came around and apologized for being abusive. He sees now that I never really had a job to lose, no lost income, let’s move on. He is liking the stuff I’m reading from all my now updated online resumes! It is pretty spot on! I applied for 5 creatives, all for companies and all sounded interesting!
Had to make myself stop, actually. More applications tomorrow. Looking for work can be interesting!…
…6:12 pm About to watch the Astros game, feeling high, needed a nap but didn’t do that, I’m tired. C and I will rendezvous tonite after bedtime and we agreed to lock the door! Let’s see if something happens tonite or I decide I want a better apology bc I think I really do! That’s just not good. I must find a way to get over this before I say something in anger and mess up all this progress. I even yelled out and said and wrote on internet that he was being abusive today! He could kick my ass! I can’t say that to him again! He could quick react and like punch me or something! It’s hysterical to me that these journals are gonna end up on the internet!! They are pretty interesting for me, too!
Wait!!!–do not put your journals on the internet, right? I still might do that. I should just turn them into a big book and not call it a journal. Yes, I will just create the text for this journal/novel tomorrow morning. I wish I could do it now but it’s family time now. Oh, and he does think the baby and Chloe come first, then making money. He even said I don’t have to work at all…I didn’t really believe him! It’s been hours, so I just asked if was harboring any negative feelings, and he said he wasn’t so now I’m gonna make myself believe him by journaling:
Sunday, August 6, 2017 journal:
I’ve already listed out tasks until next Tuesday and applied to 4 jobs. Whether I am competitive for these jobs depends, but we shall see–they were all creative-ish and in my field, my actual experience level for these jobs is up in the air. I will keep applying to jobs I want to have, regardless of my actual ability to get a creative job, until the beginning of school when I will reevaluate my tactics. I changed all four writing samples, something I’m not happy about–I had to use google presentations instead of blog posts or links. I’m afraid the presentations I chose are too literary, but I could only use those or docs so at least the very literary selections have a sophisticated graphic element to them, good for these desktop publishing type positions I have applied to so far. I think I need to try hard to find fully creative projects and positions like magazine and newsletter positions, longer creative type assignments like blogs and website content, etc for tomorrow and then my writing samples would be a cut above, I think, bc they are graphic art too….
I am going to make myself do two significant chores every weekday. This will be challenging, but it is doable. Must stick to chore schedule, then everything will look neat and organized everywhere and me and C will be happy.
Clo starts camp tomorrow. I hope she is not intimidated by auditions on day one. This must be proper procedure so they can be ready and polished to act during performance times. This is a fun and exciting way for her to end the summer, and my job will be to keep her motivated and excited about her first acting experience and first performance, keep her from being freaked/getting stage fright, and make sure she is making at least one play date friend that she will keep. I will tell her my job on the way to the camp after we meet w dr arene to discuss my pregnancy options. C wants me to headphone her but I don’t think I’m going to–she will not be shocked to hear my circumstances and it will be good to let her in on this difficult process so she will understand should situations arise where I need to discuss my struggles with her, plus knowing what’s going on will help her feel connected to us as we try and create a sib for her. This is my opinion.
It is pretty amazing how quickly I was able to go from really working hard to learn the Walmart formula to looking for creative-ish work! I was good with the position and it’s difficulties, but then pretty quickly good with being a creative and looking for a new position. I chalk this turn of events up to maybe I’m mentally healthy and maybe I’m that way bc I work so hard in my journal entries to get that way! Putting in the time to journal every morning and as needed thruout the day has made me mentally fit to deal with any new issues that come up bc I’m not stuck in the issues that have already occurred, and it helps me clarify my thinking about topics and issues so I know what I want and how to go after it. This is super helpful work and will keep me out of a therapist’s office if I continue the good work!
I will find out tomorrow whether dr Arene thinks this med combo will cause birth defects and whether she thinks I should take the risks. Could be my age+my meds=not good idea to go thru w our idea of expanding the family, but she could just make some adjustments to current dosages or change me from Geodon to haldol like I took last pregnancy…just have to see. I think god is pointing me away from work and toward a bigger family by cancelling my job. Having another baby and expanding our family is something that I want more with every passing day. I think I have come to have a four member family in my mind, and I am gong to be sad if I can’t do this. C and I had unprotected sex last nite after Clo went to bed and we locked the door this time for the first time and it was wonderful. We were very connected and turned on. I anticipate that when I start ovulating on Wednesday, that this sex will be white hot bc we will be connected but trying to create a life spark, a miracle of two people creating another person, exactly what sex is supposed to be about!
Another thing I’m gonna do between time I wake up and time to wake up Chloe for camp is submit “Get Over It” for publication 5x every morning. Doing this consistently has been difficult for two reasons: I was writing material that I thought I would add to novel so I wasn’t ready to keep applying, and also it’s me managing me and it’s difficult to remember to do it bc it’s not a habit. So, I put it on my daily lists and this should solve the problem.
So, my early mornings will be journaling, applying to jobs, submitting goi for publication. I would also like to start adding my journal entries from August onto my blog. I really like the idea of sharing some entries by publishing the ones I think of as prewriting for next novel and then sharing on Facebook, getting an idea of how compelling them are by the # of people that click on the website each day, discarding those I determine are unpopular, writing towards popularity by continuing to post about popular topics with additional blog posts, stopping a further discussion of other topics that aren’t being clicked on. So, after I submit my 5x this morning in a sec, I’m gonna look over yesterday’s stats on the website and on fb writer’s page and decide what to blog about today or just use and refine my journal posts from yesterday…Looking over fb results now…
…my numbers aren’t bad for a Saturday afternoon: 65-80 looked at each announcement of blog posts or website address. Gotta get on a pc to see yesterday’s stats which indicate actual readers, I got 17 readers–not bad for results considering I’m inconsistent and don’t have a brand name! This is the most in one day the whole summer! My plan must be good and it is working!
It appears that even if I drink just alittle, I get some form of a hangover the next day. I have been ginger with my coffee and with taking any meds bc of a hangover feeling this morning after two small margaritas. I was trying to drink them up before Wednesday when I can’t drink bc I’m ovulating, but maybe I should just save those and the wine box for another time, some other weekend. My diarrhea has been activated. I feel weak.
Topics for today’s blog post–
-idea of going for your dreams, discussing having the drive and desire necessary to continue pursuing publication despite setbacks and letdowns.
-my new family purpose and what we’re doing to ensure we can expand our family, another, tho newer, dream
-my fave song and how it informs my new approach to my marriage
-my marketing plan and the steps I’m gonna take to work on it everyday: look at stats from fb and website from day before’ post, brainstorm ideas, write a journal-type blog entry either using a real journal entry or writing that type of entry, looking at results and refining every am
“A lust for life keeps us alive.” Lana Del Rey
“My boyfriend’s back and he’s cooler than ever. There’s no more night, blue skies forever.”
“We dance on the H of the Hollywood sign til we run out of breath; gotta dance til we die.”
“I was puzzled by a dream in 1995.” Belle and Sebastian
Maybe Oh, Baby!
My basic marketing and advertising techniques are working! It is 1:30, then ads have been out for three hours–already have had 24 readers!! This approach is much more successful than the previous one! Plus I think people like my content–it’s interesting and easy to read, yet complex! At least, that was the goal! Now, tho, I have a sometime audience and I must maintain the schedule I created bc that’s the case! Keeping these 24 will also please the rest of the larger audience. Chris likes this idea. I already created the graphic for tomorrow’s blog post, “Maybe Oh, Baby!” It is purple with a purple gebera daisy, my fave flower and looks awesome! This stuff is fun, very fun! C just said he wondered if I were spending too much time on website/writing sample bc no one is gonna want to read it, this journal-novel idea about my life. He says people want a story, they want a story. I still insist that an account with variants is better. More later…
Just checked, it’s 6:15–34 total hits!
This is really starting to work! I can’t believe it! I am thinking now I should write a blog post every other day, so I don’t wear my readers out with too many posts.
So, should I say out loud that I want some more tonite, or should I just assume he’s gonna want to go to bed and not stay up doing me all night? I am honestly leaning toward saying nothing unless he comes back down after she goes to bed–he will probably just want to go to bed and saying nothing means I won’t get rejected. I want it tho but maybe I should wait bc I can’t get pregnant tonite anyway…ok, I will not say a word.
What if my 34 hits was just clicks, and it’s like 3 fucking people! That would be hysterical! Haha!
I like that idea of “screenshots” that are either movie or show reviews, song reviews, or just like moments from my day. Chris liked this idea, too, and we’re pretty different, so it must be a good idea! Haha! I’m gonna write short screenshots every other day.
Monday, August 7 journal: Screenshot
I am gonna be brainstorming and writing for “Maybe, Baby!” here at first!
I will find out whether or not I will have a baby today! I will journal about this while experimenting with the format of a screenshot, which is a new format for the blog–a short description of a day that doesn’t have a lot of action, then type it up!
I am about to go to a special meeting with my psychiatrist, Dr. Arene, to discuss whether it is possible to have a baby on my current med cocktail or whether we should try another med cocktail. So, I current take three meds for Bipolar Disorder: Lithium, Geodon, Gabapentin (also for Fibromyalgia). I will ask her if I can continue taking these meds at these doses and get pregnant or if I will have to either change the dosages or change any medications. Last time I was trying to get pregnant, I had a different doctor and was taking an entirely different cocktail, but I seem to remember I had to switch from Geodon to Haldol plus Benztropine. We shall see if she thinks pregnancy for someone severely Bipolar is in order, and whether or not she wants to change things. If she makes a change, I most likely will be put on hold for at least a few weeks so we can see if I tolerate the change without getting symptomatic first before I will be able to again focus on increasing my fertility and then trying to conceive.
More after the visit! I am praying that I can take this cocktail and start trying for a baby tomorrow when I’m ovulating!
I’m gonna change up/add to this after the visit, drop Chloe off, etc. and process the meeting.
I already had 8 hits at 5:30! Final tally for yesterday is 34! This is so cool! I have readers now, for sure!
Gonna read online for errors…
…now it’s 2:15, Monday:
I am in a lot of pain today bc I guess all those pills are out of my system now. This is only gonna get worse, I know, so I scrapped a chore and I am trying to get used to this pain level while I can bc it’s only gonna get more intense as time rolls on! I tried resting my body, that didn’t help much. I’m also trying not to smoke, but right now I’m smoking to ease the pain a tad.
Clo started drama camp this am and I left her a happy, excited girl who went in to audition early! I can’t wait to hear all about her day and I’m hoping this is the beginning of a really promising future for her, where she can choose to become an actress someday, even! I leave the house to go get her in one hr.
I can’t smoke, I don’t want to ruin my size 2 status by starting to eat instead, I can’t have pain pills…the only thing left is writing and art, so I’m writing. Having a daily blog will help me focus on something I love that is getting me readership and maybe a job, writing is easy and rewarding. I am really glad I don’t have to struggle to write a bunch of stupid, ill sounding product descriptions today or any day! That job would crush my soul, I am sure, if I had to plan on doing it thru a pregnancy and baby days–it would have been like a ball and chain. I still don’t think I’m applying to the right kind of jobs, they’re not creative enough. I’m gonna try a different search tomorrow to see if I can find some article and online content jobs to apply for–those would be perfect! I really want to write for a magazine or do the content ( depending upon the topic), so that’s gonna be my new focus.
I’m gonna have another cigarette bc writing and smoking is working to distract me from the pain. We also have to, obviously, stop smoking the reefer. Luckily, we are almost out and can readjust to life without it soon. I’m hoping we can smoke the rest tonite and then just move on tomorrow. Embryos don’t like weed, cigarettes, alcohol or pain pills, so I am cleaning up my act this week and getting on a smoking schedule–only 10 cigs
a day this week, next week maybe I’ll try 8.
-4 w coffee and writing (5:00-9:00)
-1 when I get home from camp while writing (10:15)
-1 after lunch (12:00)
-4 between 1:00-9:00
Equals 10! Seems so hard to do this, but when I really want something like having another baby, and cigs get in the way, I choose baby. I choose love and the creation of a tiny human! I can do this! I am gonna paint up a birchbox to put them in and this will also help bc a. it’s cute and b. I can remember how many are left, and in fear of running out before bedtime, I will not smoke. I will be able to curb by counting my remaining cigarettes for each day.
An fb friend suggested eCigs, I had totally forgotten about my epipe and will use it once I’m done with every cig in this pack except one. Hopefully that moment won’t come today. I have smoked almost all of a pack of cigs already today, Jesus Christ! I super suck today and must improve tomorrow. I’m just gonna scrap this day at this point–I’ve already fucked it up so there’s little point in curbing my urges for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is different–it’s the first ovulating day and I won’t screw up. Ten cigs total, and that’s it!
I am gonna have to get used to journaling on the couch instead of smoking lounge. I am trying this change out now–seems great, and right now I’m even laying down with a blanket–these digs are more conducive to writing! This will work!
I’m gonna just start stopping and sitting or laying down on the couch and journaling when I feel the need to smoke. This could really work. I feel confident I can do this, I did it when I was pregnant with Chloe, I can do it for. Charlie/Violet too. End of discussion, I am pumped to do this! Come on, you can do this! You can get down to 3 cigs a day! I can feel my new body being strong and healthy so the baby will want to stick around! Maybe even in month 1! I love our new spirit baby and I will speak him into existence!
So, just checked stats again bc I posted a few hours ago, and the running number is 29 and it’s not even 6 pm yet! So, feeling encouraged, I just posted a cool selfie and little one sentence blurb! Here’s hoping! Doing this project I invented is a blast so far! It gives me something to do and I get thrilled with the response and then want to increase it that same day! It’s awesome and reflexive and creative and helpful to my brand (me)! I will garner my own audience and eventually publish and do a book tour or get on tv (hoping!) and then my looks, poise and verbal ability will land me as one of the voices of my generation and I can write as many books as I want and they will have a publisher, too! Yes! That is my Writing Dream! Also, want to be remembered by future generations and give them words to get through difficult times. To feel inspired. To work harder to feel better!
Now c is pissed off bc I announced that I was trying to get pregnant online and he thinks I should have discussed first and I don’t agree and this is second time I have curbed my writing (marriage novel, pov from We to me) and I’m not going to do it anymore! I told him he needed to reflect that my subject matter is me and always has been–that’s just the way I write. I said he should reflect, after I blamed him for the problem, on both of those facts and if he has a problem with it, he should do something about it. He said he needed to think.
He just came back with he’s fine with me sticking to original deal and said he is over wanting me to have discussed announcements on social media that I have decided to try for a second baby. I don’t think he should even be talking when it comes to social media bc he’s the one who wanted to keep our social media separate in the first fucking place! I think I got the right answer from him bc I had made it crystal fucking clear that there was only one right answer, you know? But, that’s probably what it takes for your personal freedom to write as you do and not as someone, even a husband, tells you is ok to write about. I am pissed! I went back in and asked for clarification, and he said he just wanted an apology and was not about to tell me what I could and couldn’t write about. Case closed then, and I overreacted/misunderstood.
I am honestly so very thrilled at the prospect of pregnancy, baby days and the rest again! This is the third best decision I ever made! (Read: choosing C and Chloe.) This time of my life is associated with enjoying food, resting and reading a lot, nesting. And feeling full of love and wanting to love everyone everywhere! That part is pretty great, too. Really great.
Tuesday , August 8 2017 journal:
I write to discuss two new things, one good and one bad. Good is that I have ThriveHive on the hook for a job. Bad that C pulled out of ovulation nite (tonite) and hemhawed, causing me to change my mind about having another baby with him. I have announced to the moms that the baby situation + his angry, typical response to me losing Walmart gig=me reavluating my desire to stay married. He and I have been communicating, and it seems he is down for the count that I have changed my mind about the baby bc of his behavior, so I’m writing that I’m not even sure he can clarify his goals so that we can evaluate the marriage tonite–knowing him, he will probably want to wait until therapy this Thursday, in two more days, after he basically devastated me this morning with his sudden balking when he isn’t even the one who will be doing all the painful sacrificing bc that would be me. I’m done with this topic for now. He is a disappointment, I no longer want a baby, I no longer care to stay married to someone I can’t depend on who wants to control the topics I write about and how I write about them.
The good news today too is that I have 27 readers between 7:30-10:30! I wrote two posts today. I had fun and was challenged by doing it. The aim of creating compelling blog posts in order to garner a write from home career is working. By day 2, ThriveHive was calling and Ket said she read some of the site and that’s why she emailed, etc. I would be writing content for websites, just like I wanted. This is creative-ish/journalism, and bc there are endless websites, this means endless work and I could sustain an income on a long term basis!
Which opens up my marriage options. I wouldn’t have to depend on C to sustain us anymore. I wouldn’t be confined by his writing parameters anymore, either, and could write the third novel about this marriage and also say anything as long as I didn’t use his name on my website journal-blog. I just left a msg for Ket and told her I was interested in virtually any writing job she had. Waiting for reply so I can’t take a shower or dye my hair yet…I think I’m about to have a really serious writing opportunity as long as I don’t screw up, and so I feel freer to express myself to chris by basically telling him to get clear with his goals bc I want to see if they align with mine and whether or not I am going to be interested in doing a Stage Two of this marriage after all.
Maybe I’m being unfair telling him quickly that based on his behavior these past two weeks in regard to me working and me getting pregnant. I don’t agree. I am crystal about my main goals to accomplish by this time next year, and they are: having a baby (read: not having a baby), getting goi published by large firm and getting a primo deal, raising Chloe the best I can, becoming a working painter, getting a sweet write from home job.
He is not clear on what he wants and is making decisions that can’t count and taking his confusion out on me, which is unfair. He has plenty of free time in which to clarify his wants and needs, yet is not doing the work. I busted my ass to forgive his behavior and the incident during my nervous breakdown and found a way to forgive him by blaming myself, and he refuses to do any work outside of therapy at all. This is no longer acceptable bc his indecisiveness has cost me a second baby and there’s no way to fix it. I’m done. I don’t trust him and what he says anymore, certainly not enough to earmark another 18 years of my life to him. No way, baby idea out. I’m the mother of an only child and I’m ok with that–she deserves the love and support I would have spent on a second child and I can give it to her instead! This is a win win situation, and I recognize that!
So, it doesn’t really matter to me if he gets clear on this issue now, bc I am clear and moving on. His dictates about my writing are the next topic that needs fleshing out next, and I am very angry about this. The fact that he even said that he didn’t want me to write about this marriage is a real problem that I have been discussing with him for a while, at least a month ago I made the decision to hold off on a novel about my marriage after he had told me that he didn’t want the secrets of his marriage splashed all over my website or in book form. I did that bc I loved him so much and didn’t want him to suffer, even tho I resented it and thought he was a total fucker for telling me I couldn’t write about my life in the form in which I pleased. I gotta reply to his stupid email saying nothing with a verbal slam. Pause
He texted that he knows we can work this out and he loves me. I texted back that ❤️ has nothing to do with the fact that he wasn’t clear and I can’t have a baby. I said he he loved me, he would be ready with three goals for tonite’s discussion and how he would accomplish them by next August.
So, he called and told me he does want a baby and never didn’t want one. He said he wants to have a thorough discussion tonite like I do. He thinks I overreacted to his behavior this morning. I guess I still want a baby. He said he wanted to get an answer to what the dr would do if the TMS treatments didn’t work and what she would do if I got manic and was there a pill I could take for that. I just left these questions with my nurse, Vanessa, and she is gonna call me back with the answers….hopefully today…
So, I am feeling like a failure bc of Chloe’s choice to quit drama camp and my job situation. I have to implement this new schedule for Chloe bc she will be home the rest of the summer, and I am in bad shape as it is. I really wanted to try for a baby tonite after Clo went down, and just seeing C after everything I’ve gone thru emotionally today was a bummer and it reminded me I can’t have a baby as soon as I want. I have to hear dr arene tell me what meds she’d try if I get manic and whether I can plan on taking gabapentin, then have a discussion with C to decide if the risks of me getting pregnant still make this a go.
I have to eat dinner with him soon and want to be clear about my feelings before then, so I am journaling.
I am feeling vulnerable bc I want this more than he does, it appears. I am fully anticipating that he will discuss this Baby idea with me tomorrow nite and then say he doesn’t want it. I want to just tell him I don’t want it so at least I am in control of my life. I was so surprised by his choice to put this off this morning when he was the one who set it up for tonite that it made me question whether we are actually again in the same page and made me want to drop everything and move on as a single mother. Then, I misread the email from ThriveHive and got really depressed about my job prospects bc I just lost that great gig and my family needs more money. I feel like I can’t deliver and want to go back to the days when I wasn’t expected to work. I am exhausted. I really ran myself thru the ringer today, and when I asked him to look at and discus my schedule for Chloe while he was changing, he refused and got uppity with me and acted like I was a bad teacher and he was the more experienced Asst principal and said a bunch of crap to me. I am so done with this day that I simply walked away and got into bed. I really don’t want to have another confrontation today at dinner, but same time I don’t want my feelings to fester either. I want to tell him that I am disappointed re new baby, that none of that is fun or interesting anymore bc he’s not willing to try this and see like I am and he doesn’t have to make any changes like I do, that I don’t appreciate being treated like a sucky teacher, that I deserve several apologies, that I’m gonna talk about how I’m questioning everything now in therapy. He said he was thinking I’m manic this am but I think I’m getting depressed and it’s situational depression and I just want to be alone with Clo and come up with another life bc the life I actually have sucks. The magic of my situation is gone because the reality is no baby, no career, all I have ever really had was my writing and my Chloe anyway, so why not make it official? What am I really getting out of a marriage where I am not allowed to write about my own life and I can’t have a baby anyway, I have a less than stellar relationship and sex life and no money to go shopping with too. He would have to support us for a long time, no matter my decision, he won’t give me a baby, he won’t let me write, I am afraid I am gonna end up writing a blog post about this bullshit marriage I can’t seem to leave. That would freak him out and I’m not gonna do that if I talk to him tonite. If I don’t talk to him tonite, my feelings will fester and I will prob end up writing about my personal life. It is ridiculous that I can’t already do that.
New list for tonite’s discussion:
-you can’t tell me what to write about
-you can’t change the baby game plan
-you also owe me an apology for treating me like a shitty teacher
-I am questioning the merits of this entire relationship bc of the above things you have done wrong.
So, I was blunt about my feelings about his choice to put off certainty just to find out the names of the possible meds I would be put on in the event that I got manic while preggo. I again said he wasn’t committed. He then said we could do this tomorrow if I still wanted to, but only after he accused me of being dramatic. It’s at least something, I think, although I can’t currently concentrate bc Clo is out here. More later.
I am feeling much better. He really was oppressing me. I feel lighter, happy again, that I have the amazing privilege to get a second baby in my life forever! I don’t care if I get sick while pregnant bc it will not hurt the baby, only me. I want to be pregnant. It’s where this sex drive is coming from. I want another baby to love. I hope he has made this decision for the right reasons–I will doubt him now, maybe forever, but I hope not. 21 or so years from now, we will not remember this fight. We will be so proud of our son. That’s all I’ll be thinking about, seeing him graduate from college, early I hope.
I was so sure that I wanted another baby until I realized those hopes and dreams were tied up with C, really, and not my hopes and dreams to have. I have been in deep thought all day, and I’m really the one who should be making this finalized decision. Right now I feel undecided. I’m the one who will be going thru everything, yet the baby would be a part f everyone’s lives. There is always a chance that I could take pills, fall apart or change my mind. Chloe is a handful now at 6, do I want to jeopardize a piece of her future just to make another human, when both of their futures would be at stake? Maybe this could be an instance when you can’t go back, as so many things I’ve wanted over the years have been? One child might be in order, when her parents are a creative with Bipolar and a dad who needs utmost certainty…I’m not sure. I’ve learned to sleep on decisions I’m maybe not ready to make…I don’t know what I truly want and what I don’t. Can’t shake the feeling that I don’t want to stay in this marriage, and can’t shake the feeling that I do. I’m too raw after today to think much more on it. More later.
One more thing, it occurs to me that I want him to say he doesn’t want a baby bc I really don’t want one. He is in the game, but I’m not. More tomorrow
Wednesday, August 9 2017
So, I went to bed right before we took away iPad and didn’t sleep that great during early morning. I have diarrhea. I am thinking I just continue to want to try for a baby. Also, if I do this, chris said I don’t have to work bc I won’t have time if I’m a mother of two. But maybe I can figure out if I don’t want to do this really now bc of what chris did yesterday or bc of all the sacrifices and changes that it will entail…
First of all, yesterday’s blog was a huge success so far! Right before bed, it was already at I think 54, which is almost 20 hits more than the previous 3 days! I can’t write a new post until I figure out what is going on with me, tho, and even after I do I might skip today. My projections weren’t high enough–it appears I am not only hooking readers, but they are liking my posts and creative portfolio. It is so fun writing for an audience and checking my stats! It is fun to have exciting things to write about, too, and to do this fun project! Final stat for 8/8/17–66! Practically double the highest number for the first three days!
So, I misinterpreted what chris was saying and doing and took it all too personally, then made plans in my mind to not have a baby and was considering leaving the marriage. I had a personal meltdown. He really fixed it, but by then I still felt like I wanted to do this anymore bc the luster had been taken off, or something…
…or is the luster gone in this idea bc I won’t be able to smoke, take lithium or eat sugar, will have to have TRS 30 times at least, will maybe have a nervous breakdown? I think the big thing is having another nervous breakdown and ruining the baby. Yes. Because I won’t have lithium. What if I have another nervous breakdown and I am stuck in the pregnancy and it is an unhappy experience where I can’t do anything but deep breathing for basically at least the next 10 months?
And what if I can’t manage having a baby and a second grader at the same time? It has been enough of a challenge this summer to manage Chloe while looking for a job and keeping up with the housework…then we are adding a new baby and all those duties…
I want to avoid another nervous breakdown at all costs. I want to make sure Chloe gets all the attention she deserves. What if I have a breakdown after the baby is born? What if the baby is retarded bc we’ve been smoking weed and bc I am 40?
Having a breakdown while trying to tend to the baby is unlikely bc I will be back on lithium.
But do I really want to try and take care of two people plus chris plus myself for the rest of my life? Who knows if I can really do that?
I think I am more concerned next with managing four people when some days I can barely manage one or the three I currently am managing…what if it too much children, laundry and I don’t like it? Right now, I am about to get all my free time back bc Chloe will go back to school. I am about to be able to do whatever I want, within reason. But, I will still have the next year to do that, anyway, and then four hours of nap time to myself for several years. I’m not going to worry about this. Benefits will outweigh the reality of dealing with two little people, and I’m sure Obi will pay for preschool again when the baby is old enough.
I will talk to Chris this am, but the easier path seems like getting a job. But that’s really not what I want. I want Chloe to have a sibling and experience that. I want a new life growing inside me, I want to make new plans and have new dreams. I really do think the three of us need a little Charlie/Violet in our lives!
I am just gonna allow myself to be happy and to go for this baby. Having Chloe has been the best experience of my life so far, and I want to do it again. I can’t control whether I end up being happy or miserable with any new experience other than taking my medication, journaling and being in therapy, doing things for myself, and deep breathing, anyway. I might as well do something wonderful for all three of us and make 40 a red letter year by attempting to do something big and beautiful by getting pregnant and having a baby!
One more glitch–I must find out at 8 am if my insurance will cover these TRS treatments and how much each one will cost. If they don’t cover it, before I can get too excited about this new journey, I have to ask my dr whether she can prescribe any mood stabilizers instead for when I’m pregnant. Chris has said he wants to do this, so then it will be my job today to make a decision for both of us.
So, not yet full steam ahead, but at least I’m clear on what I want to do again!
The next two weeks will be filled with baby making, Chloe’s new schedule as I prepare her for first grade, writing the blog and trying to get published!
I have had to scrap the Chloe schedule I tried out today. Neither one of us feels well and surprises have come up. I completed my blog post and already have 34 hits at noon.
I revised my submission form and have already submitted goi 3x today. Must reach goal of 5…
…my back hurts like I had surgery without anesthesia. I am laying down and Clo is eating. The pain is mind numbing and constant. I was happy to pause while submitting novel bc I can no longer concentrate. I am gonna try and take a nap to get relief, but fear I’ve had too much coffee. The pain could increase tomorrow and I don’t know how productive I’ll be able to be with the rest of summer and then while pregnant. This is a real challenge. More after a rest.
I discovered today that when I am in fibro pain, I should write. My thoughts about this phenomenon will be the topic of my blog entry in the am!
We got all the answers c needed and have decided we are going for the baby!
I have been in such pain and discomfort all day and my stupid husband can’t even be bothered to hear about it. If I have to give up cigarettes and pain pills, and carry this baby, then he is gonna have to give up two things that he needs too. Otherwise, I am no longer interested in having a baby or in staying married to someone who gives up nothing but gets everything he wants without putting forth any effort.
Thursday August 10, 5 am
So, I was serious when I said to him like five times that if he couldn’t make two sacrifices when I was doing all the sacrificing and the work to have a baby, that not only did I not want a baby with him, but that i was finished! I’m starting to wonder if I’m already pregnant bc I was so upset and Chloe was also saying he was a monster for bruising me up that I wonder. She had her own feelings which had nothing to do with a baby about what he’s all about. He refused to make the sacrifices. He eventually got on his knees and apologized. He still wasn’t willing to do anything but go to therapy and convince me to go.
What is going on with me that I am feeling so strongly about leaving the marriage? It starts with the feeling that I worked much harder to put the marriage back together than he did. Also, I was willing to give up fucking pain pills, and did, and cigarettes, to get pregnant. I was so uncomfortable and feeling shitty, and trying to brainstorm out loud yesterday and he couldn’t even be bothered to listen bc he was so wrapped up in tv and pc. When I gave him three opportunities to listen, he didn’t even hear that. Why should I always be the one who is working for the things in our lives?
I believe I would honestly rather have him move out and start over with just Clo than stay married to someone who can only be relied on to earn a living and put Chloe to bed.
Maybe I should have been calmer, but something deep inside simply snapped. I don’t want to continue this situation. Chloe doesn’t want to continue this situation. There isn’t a whole lot more to say…
The real reason I think I’ve stayed is that I’m on disability and don’t know if I could earn a living reliably and support Chloe. This is a sad fact.
I agreed to go to therapy today at 4. I had already kicked him out of the bathroom for this morning, but Chloe’s in my bed and I’m awake and I don’t think I can keep journaling now and I’m feeling shitty and can’t watch tv in my room. I guess I’m gonna go watch it in the living room and just close my eyes for a bit.
It seems scary to stay and scary to leave. I have all day to clarify my feelings. I went back to sleep until he left. It is 6:45 now…
I think I had been feeling like I got that Walmart job and my family situation had turned around. I was feeling on top of the world, so I mentioned the idea of a baby not thinking he would go for it, and yesterday was the second or third time that I really felt like I had been wrong–first I lost the job and didn’t like his reaction, then I didn’t feel I had his buy in re baby earlier in the week, then he was ignoring me last nite and I just snapped! Maybe I don’t deserve the life I’m dreaming about bc I’m not talented and he can’t pay attention to his wife or be willing to make any pregnancy sacrifices. So I blew up.
Even this morning, I don’t want to go to therapy and I don’t care what the outcome is. I have no way to support Chloe. I am about to apply for more positions. I should probably look into section 8 housing. I don’t think I can support Chloe this well ever. I should probably just go apply to a gas station job or be a secretary(even tho I’m a shitty secretary). My life sucks bc I’m bipolar, and it was really stupid of me to think I could live some kind of Dream life with a published novel and a baby…
I can’t even write a blog post today bc I don’t want to write about this. I feel like I chose the seeming right man but really not bc he bruised me up and makes Chloe crazy. He isn’t willing to listen to me. He isn’t willing to make a sacrifice when I am making them all. It is a terrible idea to do new important things with someone like this, and I feel I’ve been delusional since the incident and should have left with her that nite. Stupidly, I just forwarded him a marriage minute with a note. I really have to stop trying to fix this.
Thursday August 10, 2017
Thirteen days until I turn 40.
I am in so much physical pain with the loss of baby excitement and my negative feelings about my marriage that I feel I am going to lose my fucking mind. Clo is not up and it isn’t time to pick up my pain pills yet and I want to drag her out of bed and get the pharmacy and demand the pills.
I can’t leave this marriage until I have a job. I am doubtful that we can resolve our disappointment with not being able to have a baby, me not working, him not becoming principal, and being perpetually broke. It’s a lot of issues to manage.
I simply can’t seem to manage my life. Obi thinks I’m sick. I disagree. I am tired bc I don’t want to drink coffee today bc I want to take a nap later. I am not sure what I will tell Chloe, but something like we are at basic a family unit and I have to make things work with your dad bc I made a commitment to him and to you to manage this family and that’s what I’m going to do. That sounds pretty decent, although it is kind of a lie bc the true reason I don’t have options is that I don’t have a job. I applied to seven jobs today and it took me 3 hours. Many look good but require free writing work on the application or they turn out to be ones I’m not qualified for. I don’t want to end up doing shift work somewhere. I am afraid.
3:00 pm, getting ready for therapy
It occurs to me that I was more disappointed at the realization that I couldn’t live without my pain pills and muscle relaxers in order to carry a baby, and my failure to land a job, than I was with the disappointment I felt yesterday at him ignoring me and not being willing to make sacrifices. I am deeply disappointed in myself for being a failure and then to leaping to the conclusion that my life sucked bc of C and not because I have two health conditions and I can’t find a fucking job and make my family’s life better.
Now that I understand this, I think I need to get back in therapy. There are holes in my life and I’m afraid I’m going to get severely depressed again. I have no energy or motivation, and I hope it’s just situational. I don’t feel capable of completing the things that need to get done for the rest of the day. I want to drink a bunch of wine and then go to sleep. This isn’t like me, and I’m sure it’s not helping that Obi is unsupportive all the time. I don’t want to start Chloe on the schedule again tomorrow. I just want to apply to five jobs, do my chores, get in bed.
I just asked and then told Clo to clean the landing with me and she didn’t. She is making those godawful sounds again! I told her the next time she makes those sounds, I am going to spank her. I am forcing her to pick up that fucking bathroom now and about to go check on her. She just came out here and said she was taking a break. I said if she doesn’t get the bathroom picked up right now, I will spank her. She went back up there.
Friday August 11, 2017
I think I am now understanding why and ok with not doing this baby thing. I have also decided that I will try and pursue literary agents instead of the author.me publishing companies.
I am feeling quite tired this morning, where in 12 days I will be 40. I think that’s where this baby idea came from, the idea of renewal and doing something that soon I will no longer be able to do. Therapy was really helpful yesterday, I had some time alone w Terry and told her about this, marriage doubts, the incident. Just saying them out loud made me see that it is ok if I can’t stay off my fibro meds, that this baby isn’t meant to be for that reason and also bc there’s no reason to take a chance on having a mutated baby who grows in a bipolar womb when we already got lucky with Clo, that maybe I don’t really want to give so much up just to do so much work I’ve already done, that this next stage in my life shouldn’t be a repeat performance bc what if we couldn’t continue with Clo the way we have so far? At least this way, I know what to expect out of my life and it’s a good life. We can focus more on our marriage instead, more on Clo instead (and making transition to being stricter parents).
Honestly, it is a relief. Having a baby is so much work. I wouldn’t have any ability to think about myself or pursue any personal goals like publishing. So, I need to find out if agents require a financial contribution. These author.me publishing companies seem to require $$. Or, the real ones are either saying no or haven’t made a decision yet. I bet agents do require $$. Pause to find out–no, no charge–they get paid by sale of book!!! I have an enormous list of them now for literary fiction! Ok, have a great synopsis too. I am going to take every other day and do one day publishing, one day job search. This way I can at least find time to get both goals accomplished and then focus on whichever goal is given voice to first. After I journal this all out for the am, I will apply to as many agents as I can today until Clo wakes up.
So, baby: I am liking the idea of focusing on my own personal goals around the time that I have to take care of Chloe. I am starting not to like this spirit baby anymore. I would give up my creature comforts like weed and wine, too, and have a hectic life of a Mom of multiple kids with multiple activities, etc. Chloe would be ignored at least some of the time. The idea originally was to focus all of our efforts on her to create a stellar person and terry seemed to like that idea too. C is saying that even tho he wanted more, he is ok with this. I am just gonna go with that bc you have to take people at their word. This wasn’t meant to be, but I can make the most of my life now in second phase by focusing on myself, be a better parent, terry was saying c and I should be having at least one date night a week, the housework, bipolar and fibro fitness by adding yoga.
So, C and I decided to have one date night a week, Saturday, where Chloe sleeps over at grama’s or at least goes down there long enough for us to eat a meal, watch a movie, have sex. And, we are gonna start having a sex nite after Clo goes to bed every Friday nite (tonite)! I am excited! We actually are in a good place now and it might not matter if I feel I did most of the work to get here. I adore him and want to enjoy my marriage and if it turns out later that this inequity is one of difference, then I will address it in therapy. We are maybe even more attracted to each other than before Clo, at least I am. I realized yesterday that previous relationships, although serious seeming at the time, were nothing compared to this relationship. It feels like it really could go on for the rest of my life in a positive way, feels like we are embarking on the second phase of attraction, fun, meaning. He even said I could write about our marriage in third novel as long as I changed our names, I said obviously I would change names! I really am getting what I want.
Which brings us to whether it would be better to pursue publication or write online content for money or both. I’m not sure I can work again unless we were divorced and maybe not even then. I’m not sure if I actually want to, either, bc I don’t know if I really could juggle work within the time available without doing it at nite too like before. Also, I would be working for someone else’s goals, but if I focused on getting goi published and writing third novel, I could get a big payout on my own time and do exactly what I want to do. I would be able to do this, trying to get pub and writing, on my own schedule and terms and would be working for my own goals and for myself. I will discuss with C and decide. I hope he will see the benefits of solely pursuing publication. Yes! He said do whichever I want, and I cleared getting $20 of art supplies every month before I decided on publication!
My life is so fantastic: he wants a deeper more fulfilling marriage w couples time, Chloe is a rockstar kid and I just need to mold her behavior in a few areas, I will pursue publication dream, he doesn’t care if I skip chores here and there, I’m about to have 8 hours of time to myself a day, we’re going clothes shopping for them tomorrow and I’m being trusted with a credit card, I get to smoke cigs and weed and drink as much as I want, I live in my dream house in a dream town, I don’t have to have the stress of working and being a mom at the same time! Perfect! This is exactly what I hoped for when I graduated from college twenty years ago! I wouldn’t change any element of my life at all, and it is the culmination of hard work! I am ready to write my blog posts for the day! Success! Happy 40th!
So, I had a great day with Clo and got a bunch done. Today so far, the majority of my readers are coming from twitter, not fb. I will spend more time tweeting and less posting, even tho I hit the 2000 friend mark today!
I am again at peace with my world and happy. I feel like I can reach my goals soon. I have tripped chris out with my grocery/art supply list–all that for 117$!! I am awesome!
We are getting all the art supplies with need!
Sat Aug 12, 2017
-shower and dress
-shopping at mall
-chick fil a?
After forgetting to take meds til 11:15 am yesterday, I didn’t realize that was why I was feeling so unhappy and paranoid until 5 am this am and took the next round. I feel almost wholly better now, almost. I am so fucking bipolar today, 11 days from turning 40! I am about to bust into the med box for some muscle relaxers, too!
I think I’m gonna take it easy next week and take a break from writing website blog posts. I had nitemares about writing something that got me in trouble all nite. Pause to check site…only 9. I’m done.
I don’t want to see my family so I told c that I didn’t want to go to Taylor’s wedding, but I let c talk me into it and mailed off our rsvp last nite…this whole thing is also prob just the meds, too. He said not to take it personally that only nine of them ever liked or commented on my bipolar or professional posts. I think it’s total bullshit, tho, and had already I de-friended all of them. I think I should just stop using Facebook bc it seems like it’s a waste of time if mainly people you don’t know are loving your posts, so I am unclear and will discuss with C today as we make plans for shopping on tax free weekend!
I am taking Chloe to target today to shop for her school clothes! She and I are so excited! I am thinking 5 tops, 3 leggings, 1 new skirt, plus a pair of Mary Jane sneakers! I have to run this by chris first, of course, and either get approval for that amount or a dollar amount, which might be easier…he is splitting up and getting new clothes of his own. I wanted to help him shop, but prob not.
I am also feeling apprehensive about all the letters I wrote yesterday to literary agents…I don’t what to expect about a reply to them, I think I sent out 11 or 12. I think in a sec I should try and send out 5 today and 5 tomorrow and just do 10 each weekday too until I get a response. C and I think the content of the letters is good, but what if it is amateurish? I can only do my best.
Everything I am doing lately takes a lot of work but is fun to do. I am pretty sure I am doing a good job, but again it is hard to tell and I’m just not sure. I am going to keep trying for an agent anyway…I am afraid I am gonna syke myself out of this today. I am following the correct path, tho, I think, and must just stick with it. Maybe I will put the bed together first and do this stuff later.
My bed looks awesome and it didn’t take very long! I am going to relax on the bed now and worry about work later when I feel all the way better.
Instead of working on my stupid website next week, I am gonna try to get an agent and work on my sewing w my music….
Sunday August 12
So, I think I might be agoraphobic by choice! I definitely prefer and feel advantaged bc I don’t have to leave the house or even have a credit card. I can watch the news and write my shit and never wear bra! I love being at home in my yoga gear, doing a lot of important book work! I really no longer see the point of going to that many places, but it’s not because I am feeling apprehensive anymore or I am afraid to leave–it’s just my preference! I can’t wait to get a kickass remote writing gig and create the perfect home office with art I make! I can do anything I want, braless and stop and start all projects as I see fit! Chloe obviously prefers this lifestyle too–it’s the new, modern life that only few can enjoy–shop online for groceries at Walmart, shop for everything else on amazon and get it shipped to your door–I don’t even have to go to the mailbox! I really like the idea of creating the perfect, comfy, boho farmhouse decor for this stay at home life I am lucky enough to lead, and doing projects that increase the comfort like handmade quilts and pillows, to create a one of a kind, amazing house that people really get wowed by when they see it! My decor is almost all handmade by me or someone else, not mass produced from a big store. Unless that store is Walmart! I mean, some basic stuff must be purchased!
I am about to set my office up on my bed–I think it’s a great idea! The bed will be the desk–laptop in front of me, mouse pad too, then the whole left side of bed for any papers I might have later. It will be comfy and functional. I’m thinking of commandeering the blue tv table for storing laptop at nite or when I’m not working! Free! Score! I can get Christopher another one and decorate it so he’ll have somewhere to put his briefcase–but I’m gonna ask him first and see if he even will use it. I could always use one there for purses…I’ll think about it. The blue table could be for the laptop in general, and that gets it off the bed…that’s a good idea! Now I just need some signs to office up my room–I am ordering four pic frames for this purpose! I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to word art signs that I’ve collected, plus there are some in my office decor board too. Pause to find some to paint…
yes! Success in everything I wanted to buy sans lamp! He is trusting me to keep the card number on file in Walmart grocery app! I am making progress!
“I want it all”
“Keep your face to sunshine”
“Do what you love–love what you do”
“Wake up and be awesome”
It is proving a bit diff to garner a twitter audience. I’m gonna have to say something to get likes, not just post website. It’s not getting readers, either. Titles worked somewhat, but didn’t get any likes. I’m gonna have to think of something clever or pull a quote from an actual post. Think I should use the pub letter post–it’s really well done! I’m gonna read it now for a quote…decided to say, “goi is full of secrets.” Got 3 follows, not good. Just tried retweeting and saying, “such a good read!” But didn’t realize it would say my name twice, so that is prob gonna be read either as an epic fail or another ad, which actually could look like good selling. C said that no one will read the articles, website, etc bc that isn’t a forum for ads. Fuck! I don’t know how to garner readership–instagram isn’t the place…although, I wonder if I could create some presentation ads with clickable links on jnstagram, for instance, and get readers that way! Great idea! That’s really a pretty good idea–this comment is made later…Also, I just changed my pic to a quad pic on twitter, but it’s still a selfie, which I should prob change back to that flower…
Obi wants Chloe m-f of this week! Score! I get a daily vacation! Then, nites w C! I’m gonna clean house tomorrow, then see, and everyday after that just sewing–all week! I’ll be able to do whatever I want from 630-430 five days in a row! I am so thrilled! I am gonna have a fucking blast! And I’m gonna drink!
Thursday August 17 journal
Today instead of writing another blog post, I am writing one “love letter to my hubbie” about my feelings about our childless week Adventure!
So, Clo’s been gone since Monday afternoon. I have made dinner, and we have had some seriously mind blowing sex! Prob best sex ever bc I didn’t have to worry about her hearing me or coming in the bedroom. I made a hoisin sauce stirfry w green onion, and it was super tasty! I tried to seduce him Tuesday nite, complete with makeup, lingerie and candles, but he has these super painful blisters from his new shoes and begged off–I wasn’t offended. He’s actually gonna try and leave early today bc of it, but he has to complete the ID badges first. Maybe we can have child-free sex where I ask him to go down on me tonite, our last nite alone. I’m gonna ask him in my letter!
Tonite is meet the teacher at Clo’s school, and he might not be able to go…I’m a bit nervous about going alone without even Clo as a buffer, but I know I will be ok bc I am super excited to see her and find out if she is the gt team leader like I was promised!
Saturday August 19, 2017
So, it is now 4 days from my 40th birthday. I am feeling insulted, unappreciated and in general like a big fat failure!
Yesterday, even though we went to a nice restaurant for lunch and she donated a bunch of clothes to me, my mother managed to majorly insult me several times. My glasses made me look old, I was too much like her father, and something else. She doesn’t like me for me, and I’ve always known she never has since I was diagnosed with bipolar. I don’t even think she thinks I’m a good parent, as evidenced in Clo’s “lack of manners” and desire to eat pizza two days in a row. How did Clo become such a shining star then? I guess my mother thinks she is just naturally that way.
C too, thinks I am not thin, a bad parent, lazy, and a procrastinator. He also thinks I will amount to nothing with my writing ambition. Even my Facebook audience dwindles when I post actual quotes from goi instead of fucking beautiful selfies! I created these fab slides of quotes, they are fantastic, but no one wants to read them. I have sent out almost 25 agent letters, and have only heard back in one reject! No one believes in me except me and Clo–how am I ever going to become the next significant voice of my generation? I guess I just have to keep reposting and reposting–starting to gain a foothold on twitter with my repetitive posts–but twitter audience better suited as potential readers. I mean, I really don’t know what I’m even doing with all these promotions–I guess just hoping for the best–I wasn’t formally trained in advertising. Maybe I should start finding pics online and reposting them with links–I could try to find really popular pics of items I could endorse, then write in a link–things a writer needs, like a pc, pens, paper, glasses, books, bookshelves??? This seems like a stupid idea, but I’m gonna think about it. I guess the path to publication is a lonely one drought with constant failure, but I do still believe I will get published if I simply stick with it. I have beautiful writing and an aesthetically pleasing website. It just needs to be seen and read–who knows who will click on it, could be a publisher or agent or employer–so I’ve just gotta stick with it. If I quit, I surely fail. I have the time and inclination, even tho response is poor at least there is one, it doesn’t matter if no one believes in me, I believe in me! Pause to check stats–they are absolutely zero new clicks and likes from fb and one like from twitter! Wtf? Enough of these ramblings–I will decide if I want to continue by Monday am, understanding that less people are online during weekends. Bright idea–put slides on imagur. Will do after smoke.
So, I have begun to take stock voraciously the quicker this day approaches. Can’t get pregnant, don’t have a real career, Clo’s got some issues I can’t figure out how to help, C and I are pretty good except for his opinion of me, I am a frustrated artist refusing to contemplate my possible failure at this most important professional endeavor just like my worst fears, I have a pot belly even tho I am really thin bc of my csection and middle age! Now today, we are gonna be super busy to get everything done by the time the game starts bc C invited Brian over to watch the game. At least I get to go shop and blow off some of this steam!
Now pause to out slides on imagur…for some reason, the laptop sucks and must not have enough juice to let me load Imgur. I quit with that for the moment–no one is prob on there anyway–it’s stupid to think I can garner a bigger audience anywhere beyond fb!
Clo is literally losing her shit bc McDonald’s isn’t serving nuggets right now! Wtf? I lost it bc I am sick and fing tired of her acting like that–she’s gonna get sent to the office if she can’t control herself and it’s my fault that she can’t–watched me act out during breakdown, plus I don’t have the know how to get her to control her fucking emotions! Jesus fucking Christ!! I am a good goddamned parent failure! Ok–I am gonna go back in there in a sec and be very plain w her, make her turn off iPad, etc and make eye contact–tell her this is unacceptable behavior, and that the next time she does this, everything stops–she goes to her room without iPad until I say she can come out and no more privileges. She acts like a wild animal!
Monday, August 21 2017
So, it’s 8 pm now and c just told me to tone it down a few. I’m getting published, kindle is gonna publish me/I’m gonna publish myself on kindle for 7 out of $10!! It’s like Netflix for novels!!!! I’m so super excited and relieved to be able to say I can sell my book this Thursday and make some $$.
So, it is am now and I’ve thought about this new idea to get published, but not sure if I should do it yet. At least this way, I can say I’ve published two novels. I prob won’t make a dime, tho…and, once I publish this way, I can’t take any other offers…there prob won’t be others, anyway.
It seems awfully exciting to do this thing w kindle! I would get complete creative control again! I would have to take out the r frost poem, tho, and possibly the whole leaves subsiding part. I would want to change the title to something softer, I think. That girl, Lacey London I’m friends w on twitter is a best seller and her book is some stupid tween book. I think it becomes about marketing and advertising then, something I enjoy doing and which I’m currently doing for free…I could expand my social media platform and come up with real campaigns after studying other people’s. At least, I would be moving forward…
I think I would want to rewrite some of it after I took out the leaves subsiding piece…or, I could rewrite it and keep that piece, they were written under different pen names…not sure…should prob add some moments of recovered memories, not just tack it on to the end…
C is telling me to put this aside and look for a job. He is crushing me. I am looking for a job…just took last week off because Clo was at Obis. He is saying that publishing on kindle is a waste of time and not what I really want.
In general, I am a professional failure and maybe just need to accept that and focus on getting a job and being a wife and mom…I just know that when they leave the house for the day, I have nothing to do. This is how I had my nervous breakdown last year, this realization. I’ve got to do something to feel better about myself! I just want that to be about my book and not about another job…
…just realized I started my period. This explains everything! I apologized to C and will set these troubling publishing concerns aside and ruminate until period passes. Today is all about looking for a job–I will spend the entire day doing this after I straighten the house. Obi gave me some clothes and I am wearing a new shirt right now and it’s really great! I will write to her and thank her and take a pic of it too, after I get Clo on the bus.
Going to start looking for jobs now. Will get chris to instruct me on how to use the web cam tonite and then set a time for my interview w vipkids.
I am so sick of being me that I’m ready to get stoned and take a nap to get away from myself. Spent am after Clo left working on those job tests. Then sewing. I feel like I most likely have a good shot at one of these 2 positions, so I’m gonna try and finish the quilt and two pillows today and tonite so I can accomplish something…on the eve of my 40th, I am feeling like a complete loser. Once again, C has steered me away from something I’m passionate about and towards working jobs I don’t want to do. He doesn’t think I’m good enough. If I can just sew these pillows today and put them out in living room, I’ll be ok, I think. I am really fighting the urge to take some pills and get stoned. I’ll save that for tomorrow, I guess, if things don’t improve. Prolly wouldn’t get me fucked up enough even, and then our supply is low so I’d look terrible again in my Hubbie’s eyes. I just can’t seem to do anything right.
At least I enjoy a somewhat comfy lifestyle and can make pillows for the majority of the day to feel better about myself. Most women are slaving away at a job. I don’t want to eat anything today bc I started my period. My meds aren’t ready–gonna be out of geodon in am unless I skimp tonite. I also only have one or two tampons left and can’t change until after dinner bc I will pick them up when my meds are ready tomorrow…
So, to take stock:
-no job, but prospects
-no publishing anything
-no longer interested in celebrating my bday tomorrow or this weekend
-shitty, selfish wife…
I am pretty pathetic to think that making two stupid pillows will elevate my self-esteem, but there you have it–it’s better than doing nothing. I am in too much pain to lug the fucking vacuum up the stairs or to vacuum downstairs. Making pillows is all I’ve got going for me today, other than having a cute shirt that’s not mine and looking great in selfies I posted on Facebook…my life is pathetic. C and Chloe have personal lives, but when they’re not around, I am left with absolutely nothing to do except housework (hate that) and job search (hate that). At least I can most likely get this esl job, or I say that now I really have no idea but they don’t seem selective at all after just having teaching experience…I will learn the mic and webcam from c tonite and see if I can ace the demo later in the week. I can’t believe that this is my best lead and it’s not even a writing job…at least it’s something. Back to the pillows…
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
So, it is my 40th bday today and I am scheduled to do a teaching interview at 9:00. I don’t know if I can go thru w it, just told c that, and am going to journal about it and come to a decision.
I’m not sure if I am prepared…I have four ideas for props. That part is probably ok. I am not sure what to wear, but have a ton of new clothes, so that part is probably ok too. Not sure why the idea of the lesson, on feelings and phonics, is giving me such pause…it isn’t like I’m teaching something really hard.
I think it’s the idea of being on in another teaching job. But not really that either.
It is the fear of failure that is tripping me up. But obviously not even trying would be true failure…
…I worked thru it! I am feeling much more confident! You must show up for your own life in order for a chance at success! I am wearing my new bday flowery dress, makeup done, props almost all together. I have over reviewed the materials I could get, going to just get back to the basics of being enthusiastic and empathetic when teaching–that’s the most important part of teaching anything anyway. If I mess up parts of the lesson, that part of my style will easily come thru and that’s the part that really counts.
I am a bit concerned about the actual using their program, but it’s a ppt so I should be ok there. I just have to remember to brush the coffee off my tongue so I look perfect when I open my mouth really wide when speaking like I know I’m gonna do.
So, the interview went great! He had about 5 positive things to say, two pointers. Said I did well. I will know if I got the job within 24!!! I really want it and want job search to be over. I think it would give me a creative outlet to use my skills while enhancing my family’s lifestyle at the same time. I hope I get it. But, the fact that I was able to push thru my emotions and fear of failure this am and succeed in doing my best means so much to me–one of the first times I could put my new mental prowess to the test, and succeed in believing in a positive outcome for me and my family. Did that yesterday too, when I let myself write the suicide note and then transcend my own bullshit, listen to Chris and erase the letter, feeling strong and confident and choosing to ignore my own shit and suspend the whole publishing thing for the foreseeable future.
I am feeling great on this, my 40th bday! Confident, smart, creative. Just had to work thru a few glitches from my old thinking patterns, push thru it, find my best self.
Gonna make some cute pillows, then dash out to buy geodon and some sushi for dinner with C and Chloe. She had a meltdown this am bc I forced her to wear her new shoes again, but got past it. Had to bring her a choc juice at bus stop too bc she didn’t drink the one I gave her at home. I think she will be fine. Thinking of messaging her teacher to check on her but don’t want to be intrusive. She made me a beautiful necklace for my bday w my fave colors–wearing it now, gonna try to keep wearing it for a while or at least all day today. I used 3/4 of the day $$ Obi gave me to buy: black sandal, black upscale looking black backpack purse, two flower pants, 2 blackless shirts. Pause to update clothes choices.
So, I am filling up pandora and trying to stop thinking about how unfortunate I really am. Roughed up by husband. Rich mother withholding charity. In running for two primo jobs at same time, to know for sure by Friday. Husband so overworked can’t participate in this amazing life; I can’t either. One exceptional child. Nevertheless, I can only seem to do one thing consistently:
fail and think about what robin did to me.
Today was a beautiful day, but I fucked it up with all my negative bullshit. It was healthier, at least for other people, while I played this sad solo in just my head. Now that I have chosen to Interact with Chris on a basic level too, it seems clear that he doesn’t desire this kind of closeness.
Chloe and I are better!
I want to go to the next session (tomorrow at 5) and beg c to pay for my therapy until I get a job. I am willing to cut deals. I need some fucking therapy–just journaling now when I can isn’t cutting it anymore! I am writing eloquent fucking suicide notes over here and plotting my death in quite a serious way one moment, then convinced I’m gonna land two primo jobs tomorrow in the next! It’s so out of control that I can’t cope with this! No one should have to. How am I expected to get up and do anything? Jesus Christ!
I really do think I should write the one where the rich girl fails and fails hard, is homeless and prostituting for cash, then finds her way back. It is an interesting, yet timeless, kind of story that can be fitted into any generation’s concerns and metaphors. Good one–pushing it up before marriage novel in mind now, and would then be next book up.
Thurs aug 21st
I need individual therapy and I can’t afford it bc I can’t find a fucking job!
All I have to do today is fucking chores!
At least Chloe went to school cute and happy, and I succeeded there!
I am still on period, hopefully last day!
Looking for a job is so hard! Hopefully I will get that letter Writing Job by Friday so I can be happy and earn a living for my family! Then we won’t have $$ problems anymore and I will have something to do besides chores during the week that is a fulfilling writing job and so I can stop feeling like a failure on a daily Vicki g basis!
I am not going to continue the job search until I find out whether or not I get the letter job. It is prolly stupid to think I have a shot since I couldn’t even land that bullshit teaching position! Even so, it’s a job I could potentially get, so I am trying to remain hopeful so that I won’t resort to wanting to kill myself over this job search stuff bc I’m mentally ill and sick of failing all the time. It would be so much easier to just go get a Walmart job–can’t even do that bc I smoke weed! I am a loser.
Just fielded a call about that stupid ad I posted about tutoring like 6 months ago! I thought it was from the letter writing people and now I’m so depressed. Pause to check name of those people…they are Nextwave writing @ home…maybe I will hear from them today.
Downstairs is straightened and laundry in washer. Gonna take a break and journal trhu this, then clean off the island and make some lunch. I will then just take it easy until Chloe comes home and I have to leave for therapy. Chris also comes home early today bc he has a dental appt.
So, what do I want to discuss in therapy? Maybe just clarify my position on my personal journey for c–namely, I feel like a failure bc I can’t find the right job. I want something more to do everyday than taking care of Chloe and doing hated chores. It is quite difficult to find work when I haven’t worked in 12 years. I wish you could be more supportive by reminding me of my good professional qualities. I wish you seemed more interested in this. I support you by listening to you talk about work, by getting up early to help you get ready for work in the morning and saying supportive things to you. I think you are afraid to take me seriously and I feel all alone.
We can’t have a baby and that is my fault for being so sick all the time that I can’t carry a baby to term. I feel like such a failure…there’s got to be something I can do to fill up the day. I am completely alone all day long, feeling like a failure. Please forgive me for having fibro which is causing me to not be able to go without my meds and get pregnant w you. I am so fucking sorry about this. It is unfair for you to not be able to have a second child bc of me. Please forgive me.
Please forgive me for not being capable of getting a job and helping w the finances. I know we need more money to live a happier life with extras.
Saturday August 26, 10:00 am
So, I am ecstatically happy and feeling fulfilled and excited!…
now have access to thousands of writing queries with master writing jobs.com and simply used some bday $$ to pay for the $30 access fee! Looked at some of my article options, but can’t query on phone and Clo is sleeping in my room so gotta wait to do first round later in the am! I am siked! I will be paid to write something if I query to a lot of publications! It will eventually happen for me now if I stick with it! This is infinitely easier than trying to land a part time remote position, and writing freelance is easier on my schedule and will produce something for pay much quicker so that I can start a fund for the following: fridge repair, garage door repair, car for my hubbie, baby alives, my clothing desires, art supplies.
Clo is still asleep and the Hurricane is a weak ass mf. We still have power and the internet. This thing is really a let down. The only problem I’m experiencing is no Facebook for whatever reason, and I hit and rehit posts so I’m afraid they are all gonna go thru at the same time and screw me up professionally, but can’t do a thing about that so not gonna worry about it. Want people to see my awesome posts, though, and want to make some new ones about my new writing status, but can’t so gonna just keep sitting in garage lounge, writing here and listening to pandora ( so much more awesome than iHeartRadio), drinking my delish coffee, smoking my beloved cigs, texting Obi. In a sec, I’ve gotta pee and want to check mail for my snore guard and other amazon treasures in my cute, elevated housewife comfy outfit complete with black converse and black yoga capris! Gonna break now! Life is amazing!…
…it wasn’t even raining when I just walked to get the mail. Got my snore guard–it’s soft but serious–it’s a head gear type thing that will cover me up but not hurt. I hope it works bc it’s lonely sleeping alone when you’re married. I so long to touch arms and fall asleep together like we used to. I want to wake up in the middle of the nite and be comforted by the sight of my hubbie asleep and peaceful. Sleeping together is such a calm, joyful type of bond. He really wants it too and that’s why he bought this for me. We are really more aligned, tender and attracted to each other like never before. We mutually decided to stop therapy bc he doesn’t have time now and I don’t think we need it anymore–we both want to get along, and are closer, than ever before. I tried again to start a two week trial period without my pain meds, but can’t do it and took them several hours ago. It’s just not in the cards for us to have another baby bc of my fibro and maybe other reasons–I want to have the free time now and for years to come to be a paid writer, I want just me time too when I am alone, we do need supplemental income and a new car, I want to focus my energy on Chloe and on continuing to build up this marriage so we all feel more fulfilled and happier, I really don’t like being preg anyway and am loving this awesome body I have right now and don’t want to lose it and get fat anyway, also don’t want to be forced to eat anymore in my life!
C said I look 25 on my bday morning and I agree! I am looking fit, sexy, young! I am feeling calm, confident, happy, grateful and healthy! I am gonna enjoy this fact for as long as I can, hopefully with this Med cocktail it can last for years to come as long as I do the psychological work that is necessary to stay mentally fit! I think I have definitely earned the right to enjoy living my life! I just pray that I can make some $$ doing what I love–writing! Any $$ is more than I’m making now, and I know I have the skills and wherewithal to get some positive responses from my queries! Fingers crossed! Also, there’s that Shopify thing I found on fb that helps you sell art online that I’m gonna try in here on next week once I complete ten queries for writing work. I also have a painting idea to complete this weekend and hang in my room–turq flower with yellow center and also coloring book petals with same colors on a light gray background. Might start in a sec. Then, I will just need one more flower painting on canvas so I can start this Shopify thing. Thinking of selling the paintings for $75–they only cost like $5 and my time–think people will buy at that price bc they’re interesting and unique florals. Have nothing but the paintings to lose, and now that I actually have a style to repeat, I feel ready to test them out on a soft market.
I am still feeling pretty badly. I am keeping it surface with him, although I did freak out a bit in the mid of nite last nite and went up there to sleep with him. I also realized I barely took my meds yesterday, something that surely added to my stress level of getting suicidal. I can’t believe all the things he screamed at me! It is really smarting. Then he went and smoked the rest of the weed last nite too.
We just briefly talked about it and he said I’ve just got to accept his apology and move forward. I have been working on that since, and at 2:00 pm I can say I do accept his apology and can move forward. At my most basic, I just want to be happy and he makes me happy usually, so I can do this. We’re having arby fries and cheeseburgers for dinner. I can be happy in my family and pick up the house too.
Tuesday August 29
So, on Sunday the shit hit the fan–instead of just telling me that he thought I should be doing more housework, C screamed at me for an hour in the garage and reduced me to nothing. This is after I sent the pics, which I need to figure out how to erase…I’m so upset that I don’t even know if I can write about it. This is all during hurricane Harvey, too. I actually had serious plans to drink a bunch of weed be gone, so I decided to just end the marriage instead and told him I wanted a divorce. This sent him around the bend, and he actually said he was relieved bc he didn’t think he could handle me. Then we made up, after I told him I wanted to kill myself bc he was so abusive and that he was 75% of the reason I tried to kill myself in the spring, which seems true today still, bc he bruised me up for no reason.
I think I am witness to the end of this marriage. I can’t believe that he screamed at me in the spring to get me to stop my resume biz, screamed at me recently that he and no one want to read my novel, screamed that I had been wasting my time on a job search bc I hadn’t “earned a penny.”
I have nowhere to go and no way of supporting my daughter…I no longer think I could ever leave her with him, either. I just don’t understand how he could treat me this way. We have a pretty nice life, but I don’t want to stay here anymore.
I am frankly sick of the housework involved in maintaining a large home without a maid. I wanted something more for myself that simply being a mother and a wife, but he is right–I’m a failure. I have no more desire to promote my book or to look for work.
I am out of pain pills and it’s a hurricane so I can’t get to them. I am in a lot of pain. More later…
…I just took my meds without caffeine and should be back to sleep soon enough. Until then, I’ll keep writing.
I feel that I should have left him nine months ago when he bruised me up for no reason. I said as much the other day when he was screaming so derogatorily. I don’t think he really loves me anymore and that maybe he feels I’ve trapped him. He was really getting on Clo’s case yesterday, too, until I yelled out that she needed to stop saying anything back bc she was making him angry.
I don’t feel I can trust him now. He is much bigger than I am and I think I even feel threatened by him. I had written him a text that states that I don’t feel like he can provide me with stability. That was from Sunday. He apparently wrote back that he loves me last nite after I went to bed. If he loved me, he wouldn’t treat me the way he does or hold my nervous breakdown against me.
I don’t know what to do. My mom already said she wouldn’t help me. I can’t even support myself, much less Chloe, in any manner resembling the lifestyle she has now. I don’t even have the desire, and I am pretty sure that means I am depressed bc of him.
Looking back at the entry from before the fight that day, I was actually happy before that and also thought he would like to see my pics. I was so wrong. He completely shamed me and I think revealed some deep seated problems I’ve suspected sexually. I know he looks at porn, which is why I thought he’d like the pics, but I think he is pretty fucked up…I’m deleted the pics now…deleted!
If we stay here, and we have nowhere to go, I am never having sex with him again. I feel humiliated and depressed over his reaction.
But back to the bigger issue. I think that if staying here is making me feel depressed and suicidal, we should probably leave. I just don’t even have the wherewithal to make an exit plan this morning. I ended up doing a bunch of cleaning yesterday bc he made me feel guilty by doing my housework bc I guess he was bored during the storm.
He is trying to be nice during this time and taking a few moments yesterday to do that, but it just makes me angry. He also made me cancel therapy last week, saying that we couldn’t afford it/didn’t have time/didn’t need it bc we were gonna be loving and find ways to get along with each other, and then he throws a stunt like that and I have no one to talk to and nowhere to escape.
It is true that I want to kill myself when he is abusive, which is more often than not. He’s trying to blame it on me by saying he got that way bc of things I said. It’s so confusing bc I think he is lying. He reminds me of my father.
He feeds into my worst doubts and fears about myself. Why does he do that? I almost want to call the domestic abuse line, but they can’t really help me. They are just gonna tell me to go to a shelter, which I probably won’t do until it’s too late.
I just don’t have anything but my Chloe. My professional life is a disaster, my marriage is a disaster, I have no real friends and no mental stability.
I just keep flashing back to Sunday when he had cornered me in the garage and was just not gonna stop screaming about what a shitty job I was doing and how much I was doing wrong. Even last nite, he started getting all worked up over the fact that I had put pic frames on top of the placemats! Even tho his mom was there! What was that about? I am so exhausted…
So, I just woke up again and pooped great! It appears to have stopped raining. I’m gonna see if I can get my pain pills now from the pharmacy. No, no one is answering today. So, I am gonna have to go at least one more day. This is my fault, as I didn’t think I could fill them before Hurricane so I am out.
I am exhausted and confused…he kept saying that we could live and long and happy life together if only I changed my mind and took him back…I guess I wanted to believe him then. I don’t know what to think and have nobody to bounce ideas off of but Chloe.
I guess it is as simple as not having any money of my own. I have to stay and keep Chloe here until something positive happens like I get a job. I have only been back at this job search for about a month. Maybe something will happen. I can’t go to Walmart for a job bc I have weed in my system. Maybe I have overreacted and just need to accept that I’ve been doing a poor job. I know I can do better with the housework. I even said I thought I should just get refocused on him and Clo–his response was yes. Yesterday I had a scary job offer and he took my phone and made replies to them like he was me–like maybe I couldn’t have done that myself? I don’t know.
Today I am gonna focus on my Chloe and getting a job…
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
So, I am in so much pain that I can barely concentrate…we had a fairly decent convo about what happened and how we both felt about it. I do feel better about it, and can put it behind me as him just losing his temper, maybe for good reason, bc it took both of us almost three hours to clean just the downstairs yesterday…I feel badly that I didn’t recognize how bad the house had gotten and that is bc I’ve been so immersed in my own thing–getting a job and getting that stupid novel published…
Bc continuing the job search is making me feel suicidal, I’m not going to do it for a while and see if that helps me feel better…I feel like a failure, but it can’t be helped right now.
I lost my shit last nite after taking care of three kids all afternoon after c screamed at me for letting the cat into the bedroom while he slept thru the entire thing. He told me this am that I apparently even screamed to Clo that I didn’t want to be her mother anymore.
I was screaming at the top of my lungs about everything that’s been going on and I was demanding he get the fuck out and take Chloe with him. They left. I slept pretty well until I woke up in the middle of the nite realizing I was out of cigarettes. I managed without cigs and pain pills somehow until morning, when it occurred to me that I really couldn’t even provide myself with even the most basic of needs.
I called him and apologized. He came over. I apologized some more. He started demanding things of me. He was hard. It made me angry again. He doesn’t want me to take care of Chloe today. He left for work and now I am trying to process this.
To be truthful, I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t want to be a mother anymore. I wasn’t suicidal last nite or now. I have taken my medication this morning. My pain level is a bit less than yesterday, but still at a 6. When the pharmacy opens, I’m gonna be able to get my pain pills at last.
I found a place called the Mental Health Co-op in Montrose. It’s a long term treatment facility. They are currently not answering the phone, but I called a bit ago to see if they take my insurance. I’m gonna call the Menninger clinic now. They open at 8, which is in 30. That is the Cadillac of hospitals–maybe I can live there.
I no longer believe, nor do I desire, to be a wife and mother and live in the world. It is too stressful for me and I will only attempt to take my life again. The way I went off yesterday is simply proof that my existence is no longer tenable and I need a permanent vacation. I have Medicare, I’m on lifelong disability, I might as well make use of it. I feel like I’m gonna faint. My body is tingling, I’m heavy and nauseous.
This is a hard reality to accept, but I think I’m doing a decent job of it. C said this am that Vicki wants to pay for me to go to therapy. I ran my mouth again this am, proof that weekly therapy, could she afford it, is not intensive enough treatment for me.
I can no longer trust myself. I think that Chloe should stay at Vicki’s for the day until chris gets off work. I have to make these calls and get my pain pills. I’m in such distress that I can’t afford to take care of another human being today.
This current life is comfortable and I want for nothing. My daughter is my best asset, and she is a success. It was worth it until yesterday. Something in me has broken and I am not capable of going back. My husband attacked me nine months ago, and the marriage really ended then. He not only abandoned me when I was having the biggest breakdown of my life, he attacked me and blamed it on me. Ever since that nite, I have been broken and have had no peace. I did my best to mend this broken marriage while attempting to be the best mom I could possibly be. It simply cannot hold.
Last nite, something in me snapped. My personal failures, my marriage, the stress of being a mother, all too much for me now.
C is claiming that I’ve been that angry before, and maybe to him I have. I disagree. I took my life in my hands last nite and smashed it into a million pieces. I don’t want to live in Austin away from Chloe. If I live in a treatment center in town, maybe she can visit me one day. Either way, I must save myself at this point from taking my life bc I was dead serious in my brain that I wanted to drink the weed be gone and end my life. At least if I live in a permanent treatment center, I will still be somewhat in her life. It’s better than killing myself and turning her into a robin Tichenor whose mom just completely abandoned her.
I can’t make it anywhere if I can’t make it here and that is what I’m saying–I can’t make it anywhere. I should have had the wherewithal to put myself somewhere before I got married and had a child, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.
The best thing I can do is to stop focusing on them and focus on my own health before I really ruin my daughter’s life. I have done some damage to her from last nite, I’m sure I really fucked her up…
…it’s now 12:45. I spent a long time talking to my mom this morning and feel much better bc the house is completely clean and I made a pillow and most importantly I got my pain meds. I feel so much better. I also took another dose of all my meds after we got off the phone and that helped too.
I no longer want to leave my family. I think my meds were really off bc I had missed some doses and I wasn’t eating. The alcohol didn’t help either. Chloe had been at Vicki’s all day and now wants to go to Tiffany’s house. I said no then yes. I don’t know what to think, say or feel. I want to see my daughter tho. Obi said not to bring anything up with anyone, so I’m not. Maybe Chloe will just forget what I said to her and we can move on.
I am just going to say nothing about this to chris. I feel I should apologize in a text for losing my cool again this morning, but I am hesitant to do it. I’m not gonna do it.
I want to stay married for Chloe’s sake and also bc I can’t provide a life for her right now. People get divorced everyday and it could easily happen to me.
I feel so very much better that I want to stay married, but that feeling should be curbed. He is sort of a fuckup in this marriage too and I don’t want him to think this is solely my fault. Pause to call Chloe–she sounds a bit weird but is ok I guess. This is a big relief if true.
I guess I should wait on the apology and Vicki wants to take us to dinner. Or maybe it’s just me she wants to take so she can talk to me and if that’s the case, I’m gonna beg off and say I’m tired bc I don’t want to do that.
I do think I should text him. I should apologize for my behavior this morning, explain that it was a combo of not taking my meds/having no pain meds. That’s it. Pause to text him–I texted and he texted and we are going to start planning out what to do together when he gets home.
I feel better after these texts. We are going back to therapy and I am going back to individual therapy soon. Both of our mothers will help with the cost. I feel he accepted my apology. I do want to work on things and be happy in my own body and with he and Chloe. I suggested that we turn over a new leaf now and feel he agrees. We are going out to dinner with Vicki tonite at our fave Mexican restaurant. This will be good for everyone.
I’m glad Chloe isn’t here bc I am tired from the pain meds and feel I will be able to rest until one of them comes home. Tiffany will be over here in a while too and I need to just close my eyes and rest so I can be ready.
Who I want to be:
-strong in mind
-loving and kind
-giving to my family
-realistic about writing and job search
-good time manager
-don’t feel secure in marriage
-don’t feel like I can get a job
-don’t feel pretty or sexy
-feel depressed chemically after being hypomanic for probably months
-feel like bad wife
-feel like I’m losing my daughter
-feel like I’m losing my hubbie
-feel like bad mom
I am not suicidal, but I am deeply depressed. I can’t find a job to make me feel useful. I feel like chris is slipping away. I feel like Chloe is slipping away. I feel useless and burdensome. I can’t find a thing to make me happy. I can’t even get along with my family. My biggest fear is that this family is gonna break apart and I will be alone, unable to support myself. I won’t get custody of Chloe, and I don’t want that for her anyway–I’m too unstable and I can’t support her anyway–I would want her to live with chris and then also I wouldn’t be burdened to act and feel properly when most of the time, acting and feeling properly is beyond my reach anyway.
I sort of just want to quit and move in with Obi, but this is not what I really want either. I want her to put me up in an apartment so I can get my shit in order and have the time and energy to work on that by being in weekly therapy and looking for a realistic job.
It is very ironic that 12 years ago I made the decision to leave teaching bc it was too stressful with my condition, and now I am expected to be a good wife and mother, something so much harder to manage in this condition. I do not expect to have an easier time in the near future or broader future being this severely bipolar and now having to fight just to get around with this fibro, too.
In my mind, I want a break from all of this so that I can try to find my center–a center that has escaped me honestly since the incident with r Tichenor when I was 17, more than twenty years ago now. I know that incident is the reason I became severely bipolar with fibro, and it has taken me so long just to accept that incident and that it has ruined me.
I want to be alone and then I will feel better bc there will not be expectations placed on me to be a wife and mom, the two most important things, and the two things at which I am failing.
No one can really change my mind. It would be such a relief to go to sleep in a place where I am alone and wake up in place where I am alone. No expectations, no failures. Just rest and maybe something creative like sewing that is at least a useful creative hobby. Eat or not eat. Sleep or not sleep. Watch what I want to watch. Have prolonged quiet where I don’t have to put on a show and have expectations of a certain outcome from c.
C said he couldn’t trust my judgment–when pressed, he said it was bc I was still a smoker.
He said he didn’t think I could do a job and that I shouldn’t go on my interview tomorrow.
I now am so fucking sad and depressed I am hiding out even from Chloe in my room and saying it’s bc I need to sit in front of the fan.
I am far from being suicidal.
If he thinks these two things, I have added them to my ever growing list of reasons I need to cut bait and move on.
Chloe would be better off without me too.
My new dream is to have a place all to myself, like a small apartment with a balcony for cooler evenings. I would work remotely writing or editing anything. If I didn’t feel like eating at a mealtime, I would just skip it. I would run around in my racer bra and yoga pants
So, today I’ve decided my mantra is “I will create a loving family.” I also gave a small speech about how we’ve done enough yelling and complaining and we are going to be loving and kind to each other if it kills us.
I don’t feel respected or loved. I want to run away, even wanting to get away from my daughter, bc I am in so much pain.
C and I do not do activities that are meaningfully bonding. We share pot and occasionally some sex. Right now Clo is at a friend’s and we are in separate rooms.
He just got high and mighty with me bc I am sad that yesterday’s talk on the bed did not produce a positive outcome. He just told me how the cow eats the cabbage and shamed me for crying in the office.
I don’t feel like I can express myself and be myself.
He said he doesn’t trust my judgement bc I smoke cigarettes. I must bring this up. I will get a ration of shit for it, I know, but I must express that he demoralized me with that issue.
Therapy will be delayed due to flooding. They said they are looking for another location. I feel I need an entire day of constant therapy to get past my feelings. I feel I do not have the tools or the maturity to manage my emotions. I sort of want to go back to the hospital tomorrow to get some therapy, but since I’m not suicidal, I won’t qualify. Maybe some outpatient therapy, but that is usually a waste of time bc it isn’t very good and everyone just talks about hurting people and doing drugs.
Maybe if I simply turn my attention to my job leads and search, I will be able to focus on something worthwhile and not dwell or act like a martyr. It is a good idea.
I just said that it bothers me that he can’t trust me. I got a annoyed/frustrated response bc he says he’s told me three times that his trust issues have nothing to do with me. I am going to drop these negative feelings and not think about this anymore.
I am feeling a bit lighter and less burdened, but still a bit overwhelmed bc I have a lot of work to do, I don’t even know what most of the work needs to be, and I don’t feel equipped for this large challenge.
Maybe I will just continue to let this go and let myself feel less stressed and confused.
I will take a pause to watch some tv before I have to pick Chloe up and just try to relax.
More after Chloe’s bedtime. I sort of wish c would not sleep in my bed tonite, but I will manage as best I can.
Chloe pulled some embarrassing theatrics at Tiffany’s house when I went to pick her up. I had to carry her out of the house crying and yelling and carry her halfway home. I got angry and embarrassed and worried–I even told Claudia we were having problems at home and that I thought it was making her act this way. Then c and I got into it again and he laid it on thick about how much I was overreacting about the whole situation so I apologized and dropped it.
I think he’s sick of me. I know I’m sick of me.
It occurs to me now that I’m pretty much calm that my problems are the following: overreacting, being melodramatic, being grandiose, reading into things that which isn’t there, getting too emotional in every way a person can, being unable to support myself in a long term way, being unable to get along with other people in a long term way–these things have got to be psychiatric bc I’ve been this way for 40 years and it’s not from a lack of trying my best to improve. Living in the past, being afraid to ask for what I want, failing to follow through, being impatient, having unrealistic expectations–these are things that are psychological and could be improved with hard work, perhaps, but I’ve spent the past 20 years in and out of therapy and I’m still all of these things too, and that is not from a lack of trying to change.
The point is that I am not able to manage my illness or function in society. I think I have harmed my family enough. I think it’s time I made alternative arrangements.
Even my own mother doesn’t want to hear from me. Maybe she will give me my inheritance early and I can go live by myself. That might happen and it may be impossible for anyone to trust me to live alone again. A group home is out of the question. Supporting myself even menially is out of the question. Staying married and raising my daughter seems out of the question. At least if I lived alone, I wouldn’t be harming anyone else. At least if I lived alone, I’d be bored, but I would be at peace at last.
I just want to be left alone.
On the other hand, leaving the two of them would hurt them more than staying. I could do a round of outpatient and talk through all these things. I could live day by day and see if things do improve. Maybe I could write remotely. Maybe our lives could gel and improve. It is hard to believe that, but then again, I am severely depressed. I shouldn’t press things tonite with c–I should leave it alone. I will do my best to get everything done tomorrow, and I’m sure I will have a good chunk of free time to call my dr and get an appt if I decide that would help. I could just take it easy and watch tv and nap. I could just give myself a break and not think. C did say I was doing all of this to myself. I am going to take tomorrow nice and easy and just exist for a change.
I’m feeling more confident. It’s 8:45 am and I’ve already: straightened up and down, applied to a great job thoroughly, gotten Chloe out the door in a happy way, read a critique of my resume and implemented the suggestions. I am about to sweep/swiffer, organize cabinet and create a memory box for Chloe’s kinder stuff in a shoe box. After that, I will begin and complete my Resume Test and eat lunch. After that, I think I might like to work on a pillow for the reading nook while watching tv or listening to this kickass radio station I just found on pandora.
I am thinking in the back of my mind about how to go about changing the following negative traits: reading negative things into C’s actions and words, overreacting to C and Chloe’s actions and words, dwelling on things that are in the past, being impatient, rushing through everything so I do a halfassed job, allowing myself to have negative, defeatist self-talk, being selfish and self-centered, losing my temper when frustrated. These are the things I want to focus on currently, here in my journal and in individual and couples therapy.
I recognize we are mainly in couples therapy because of my negative words, behaviors and thought patterns. I am willing now to take ownership of these things and work towards changing all of them to the best of my abilities.
I crafted a letter to Obi and C re my recognition of the above traits, my plan to change them, how sorry I am, my personal goals, my gratefulness for my current life. I sent it out about an hour ago, plus sent c a heads up text and request to acknowledge he got the text. About to send an acknowledgement text to Obi. Pause. Ok–sent the text, and I will be able to see that she’s read it bc we have iPhones. Done.
I think my letter is real and well explained. I know I did my best. I hope they don’t get offended by getting same letter, but they say basically the same things to me about what I’m doing/thinking incorrectly, so I thought it was a good idea for them to also know that.
I want to go to dbsa on Friday and read my letter (if I haven’t gotten feedback from it) and talk about this new way I am trying to be and how it is a lot easier than I expected. I’m done with all scheduled activities plus some, and currently doing the laundry that was dirty in hamper closet even tho it’s barely a load–it’s what I’m expected to do.
I just reread the letter, entitled “behavior modification plan,” and I still think it’s a pretty good attempt at turning over an entirely new leaf and showing that I can not only recognize, but do something positive about, many of the things that are so negative as to frustrate and confound the both of them. I am feeling pretty insecure about their reaction to it, tho, and as usual I am expecting something either nonplussing or completely negative.
I forgot to defrost the chicken for kung pao like I told c we would have tonite for dinner, and pizza is all I can come up with. Clo will be thrilled, but I don’t think chris will. I think he will be disappointed/angry. Too late for any planning except pizza, sandwiches or mac and cheese–I am so self-disappointing bc I had made a resolution to start cooking for him again since he likes it so much and here I go, beginning of this short week, and I completely spaced on the fucking dinner after promising his favorite. I am so pissed at myself, but all I can do is apologize to him, suggest food options, forgive myself for being too caught up in what I was doing all day and the fact that I have no appetite bc I’m still pretty depressed. And I can quietly make it as a surprise dinner for tomorrow nite too.
That’s the other thing–I feel I should keep my activities during weekdays while they’re at school a secret until I have something positive and real to report, like say a fucking remote writing job or something tangible.
Also, maybe I should only smoke when he is not home. Every time I go to smoke and he is home, I replay what he said to me in my head: ” I can’t trust your judgement bc you smoke cigarettes.” This is a demoralizing, depressing fact that there is no way to get away from. If that is what is really making him distrust my judgement, I mean. It seems like my having a mental illness which thwarts my ability to have good judgement would really be the reason, but I’ve asked him several times about whether there are other reasons he also can’t trust my judgement and he said no to having more reasons each time I asked. I decided to drop this line of questioning and any initiation of a discussion about his lack of faith in my judgment for good last nite. It is something that mulling about will only lead me further into my depression and therefore I can’t afford to do it. That’s that.
He just texted that he hadn’t read the fucking email and revealed he wasn’t paying attention to what he was reading in the text so I stupidly had to clarify. He mistakenly thought I expected him to read this email at work today, which is my fault based on past interactions when I have written an email and expected him to do just that, so again I am feeling unhappy and uncomfortable about this email and him reading it. Fuck! I am trying my damndest to stay positive and make small steps toward behaving and thinking in a consistently positive way, yet here I am going down a familiar negative path where I expect the worst in people’s reactions to what I say, think and feel. I am so tired of behaving in the same, all too familiar, negative ways. I am simply so fucking sick and tired of myself now that all the negative thinking and emotions I thought I was successfully hiding from my fucking husband have been brought out in the harsh light of day by said husband and I can no longer think and behave in those negative ways should I want to rely on the longevity of this fucking marriage!
I am starting to feel a little better just getting all this out but it is making me want to take a nap bc it is kind of tiring to be stuck working on changing most of my thoughts and second guessing all my decisions and behaviors for fear they will turn out to be old, negative ones again and I will be punished with an argument or by being left alone.
He did say at least that he is happy to see me repeating the mantra “I will create a loving family” over and over in my head when I told him about that yesterday. That is at least recognition of one positive thing I’m doing, however small it actually is. This is frustrating, to be frank, and I wish I could change Bigger and faster to fix my marriage quicker and easier so that I can again rely on him being there for me forever like our vows say he will. Our 8th anniversary is just six weeks away, and I just hope we are in a good enough place to enjoy the accomplishment, and that we’re not silently miserable and judgy and not getting along and just going through the motions like we are now.
I feel some of his positions are unfair to me bc I am in fact severely bipolar as I have proved myself to be this year and other times in my past. I honestly always do the best I can with the fucked mind I have and I don’t feel that is acknowledged. However, I do understand that if I bring this up ever, he could see just how fucked and limiting my condition really is and opt out of this marriage for good. This is one of my deepest, if not the deepest, fears I really have.
That’s enough for now. I’m going to try and write in the am, around noon and before bed from now on, then read it the next day for some insight.
I am not tired at all. C is asleep so i can’t go in there and read. I’m going to sleep on the couch.
We had a productive and pretty positive discussion tonite about how he doesn’t see me as a burden or failure, how he thinks good things are coming for me, how he thinks he shoulders some of the blame of me attempting suicide, that he isn’t sick of me, that he has made mistakes that he will make up for with actions, that I need to tell my dr tomorrow that I’ve been increasingly depressed for the past six weeks, and more but I can’t remember. I feel less stressed and repressed now, but still depressed.
I just feel so untired and it’s 9 pm. I guess I will watch the news until I fall asleep. I didn’t take my meds until almost 8–this is why I’m not yet tired.
I know that theoretically, I have a great resume now that it was critiqued, that I am applying for jobs I could easily do, that I am a good person with a good heart, and that I have a husband who is committed to this marriage, but I don’t feel it in my heart. In my heart, I am a damaged person who makes tons of mistakes and has squandered two great careers bc I’m severely mentally ill. In my heart, I feel like I am a total failure at life–at motherhood, at this marriage, at my attempt to earn some money, at being a good daughter, at becoming published.
I really just to be a successful person in all those areas. I am so tired of myself and the wrong choices I seem to continually make. I simply wish so much that my therapist’s office would hurry up and reopen!
That’s enough for now. I need to zone out in front of the tv. More tomorrow, I’m sure.
I have been oscillating between 3 and 7 today (10 being the worst) and I’m very exhausted bc of it.
I worked on resume and job search from 4 am-1, when I had to quit for the day bc I was so defeatist and feeling absolutely horrible.
I then watched tv for a bit…then, finally figured out how to give myself a liberating, completely blissful orgasm after living on earth for 40 fucking years being unable to do that for myself because of things that were done to me–but, hey, at least I did figure it out at last and it at least completely calmed and reassured me and made me forget about my depression for a surprising amount of time today (about 30 minutes.) That was the personal highlight of this terrifying and demoralizing bout of depression so far (2 months.)
Then I worked on resume and life insurance issue and Chloe came home and I am doing my best to be pleasant and happy and giving, but I can’t anymore and I told her I had to go to the garage and work on something so I could be alone and journal before C calls and we have to talk about my email from today and his day and my day and Chloe’s day and everything else that I just don’t want to say out loud or I’m too tired to discuss at this point.
I am feeling like a 7 and all I really want is to be left alone to lie down in my room and remain by myself watching tv and sleeping until I will be forced to get up tomorrow and do a bunch of the same and New frustrating and confounding things for another entire day. But I have Chloe and she has to go to school and I am going to try my best to force myself to complete this resume job tryout and the coalition technologies written test and baffling and stressful video interview. Maybe things will go more smoothly and easier than I fear and I will successfully do these two tasks and maybe secure myself a decent, livable part time job I will not have to quit sooner or later bc I’m a waste of time/Total loser.
I just had a meltdown re my condition and c and Chloe (of what she heard) were crazy supportive. I do not know what to do with all of these negative feelings and inclinations. I am so fucking frustrated and don’t want to be around my family bc I don’t want to ruin their days but at same time I am very afraid of being alone bc I might decompensate even more! I don’t know what to do. Our nice Chinese dinner is cut up and in the wok and C has taken over the cooking so that I can come out here and try and figure out how to calm the fuck down.
In short, my real problem now is that I have been unable to manage my condition now for exactly twenty three years. I have a genetic malfunction that nobody else in the diagnosed history of this condition has been able to transform through positive thinking. The insurance paperwork from Arene actually used “severe” to describe my condition, just like so many other psychiatrists have and it’s the same word I use to describe it myself. 7 suicide attempts, 2 of which were momentarily or practically fatal. 20 years of struggling since knowing what’s been amiss with me for all the 40 years that I’ve been on this earth. The failures, the shortcomings, the opportunities missed, my teaching career, the chance that I’ve passed this on to my Chloe, the suffering I’ve caused, the mistakes, my own suffering–there is no end to any of it until my body is incinerated in a metal box after I die. It is Pollyanna to think that with all of my personal limitations I will be able to overcome my psychiatric situation and be happy and make my family happy and accomplish anything of import professionally.
I am exhausted. I’m not ready to be positive, that much is clear and this journal is supposed to be about solutions not bitching. Pause for a better outlook and solutions, some of which will hopefully come before bedtime….
…it is now 8pm and Chloe is searching under my bed for treasure and c and I had a peaceful, reassuring dinner. Tonite after lights out, I’m gonna ask him to hold me for a bit and tell me positive things about me and myself as a family member. That is what I need to hear to finish the day as a 5.
Forget that comforting idea! He decides to go to bed before I put Chloe down even tho I said I was now in the habit of sleeping on couch now that he is sleeping in our bed again bc I can’t just lie there with nothing to distract me except singular darkness. Then I said I had been looking forward to a little comfort because I’m so fucking depressed and we even argued a little. And I’m sleeping on this fucking couch for the fourth nite in a row of five since he started sleeping down here again, the other nite I fell asleep before he did. It is tricky sharing a bed with someone else–someone is usually either sleeping or not getting their needs met.
Chloe and I just spent time reading and talking in her bed. Sometimes when it’s time for me to leave, she pitches a fit. Tonite, on a very demoralizing personal night for me, she asks me to sit there until she falls asleep and the thought of that was suicide bc I was barely able to keep from crying the entire time I was in there–I said I would do it tomorrow nite, she threw a tantrum and I think I can even hear her from up there while I’m in the garage now! I said I needed a moment to collect myself and that I would be back and she pitched another fit and yelled things down to me from her room.
I am a failure as a mother and wife. I don’t want to continue to be one. I have no where else to be and nothing left to give, at least not tonite. I still have to go up there and sit and I don’t want to with everything that I am bc I don’t want to have any more thoughts today. I am so completely done w today.
90% wonderful day–more about this later.
I am exhausted from the summer and the beginning of the school year (negative and positive, respectively) and from all my hard work these past two weeks (today’s positive attitude, outlook, work and interaction still tiring). I just yelled out something like “let’s see just how fucking loud we can be using both the recorder and the microphone at the same fucking time while screaming!” while I was in the hall bath and thought c couldn’t hear me. He heard me and gave me a hug instead of telling them to quiet the fuck down. And now it will go on longer.
I am so tired I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonite. I did manage to rest on the couch off and on for an hour, but it didn’t help. I am now in the garage smoking, where I’ll probably stay until 7:55 when I retreat into my room to avoid letting Claudia see my bloody, zitty chin and I won’t have to pretend I’m in a good mood.
C said I was cycling when I thought I had made a big breakthrough in perspective today. He said I go one way then go the opposite, that it’s always been this way and always will be.
I am sick to death of being ruled by this mother fucking psycho bipolar condition!
I am not suicidal, just incredibly frustrated that I am not in control of my thoughts and emotions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the bright side (if there really can be one), I realized fully how grateful and appreciative I am of my life just as it is.
Whether I can apply this to my thoughts and behaviors is doubtful, tho, since I am a fucking crazy ass mother fucking lunatic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I so want to be my best self but I am failing to do this left and right with my typical negative reactions, behaviors and words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why the fuck can’t I be my best self, the self I want to be??????? Because, dear readers, I am fucking severely bipolar, have generalized anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia and an ability to perform at my best level.
Saturday 9/16/17, a Big Revelation!
So, c and I had a frank discussion about where we are headed and what we want to do about it (my mental illness, our marriage).
I have decided to focus on making c happy and satisfied, sending out letters, focusing on who I actually am now (not used to be, could be), keeping a clean house, making Clo stellar (but she already is).
So, I have discovered some happiness in my life after this eye opener. I am not yet grateful enough, but I think I could get there someday.
Maybe that is really the basic element of a happy life–being grateful for everything there is in your life, really relishing that and sharing that.
I am so far behind. What robin did, he just shook so much of my core. He activated my diseases. He took something from me that I’ll never get back, I fear. Or have a found it? Is Christopher really this person in my life and history that really chooses to love me? I think so. I really think so. This marriage is unbreakable! It matters not what we do, we always know we are bound. Forever.
I am having a backslide of sorts. It’s 11:35 pm and Clo just got home from Tiffany’s, she is with me and he is upstairs…
I am thinking that he isn’t having to change, that I’m the one doing all the changing and that maybe I just simply will not be able to. The way he framed it today was he wasn’t gonna read my work, he wasn’t gonna do anything differently, that I needed to change my behaviors (which I agree with), that I have nowhere else to go (telling me Markie laughed at a suggestion I move in there), that I must do my best, that he’s in charge of everything (including my choices).
I can’t send him anymore emails or texts, or for that matter anybody really. This is what I said I would do.
He said he loved me and didn’t want a divorce. I told him later on that I knew he would eventually divorce me if my breakdown didn’t end, and he didn’t correct me.
I feel I’m being set up to fail. I can’t change this illness, and it is ruling our lives…
I can’t stick to a schedule unless it is imposed from an authority figure. I’m not my own authority figure.
I was doing fine for a while keeping up with the house, etc, but then I started cycling again and got wrapped up in my website/novel. He said it’s just a hobby I can do in my own time and that my family and housework come first. I feel like if I bring this up, he will divorce me.
I am very sad. I don’t know if it’s because of what’s happening or bc I’m still cycling…
I’m not gonna talk to him about this bc he is relaxing and there’s not a ton to say.
I’m just gonna do my best to stick to my schedule and only work on my novel and sending out my letters each day once I’ve gotten them off to school and done the housework. Not sure why this is so hard, but it is.
Gonna do my best to remain sweet and not raise my voice or tell him he’s wrong. This is hard too but I am gonna try.
Here’s what’s really bothering me–he told me I was severely limited, he thinks I am severely limited and have no other options than to live under his guidance. And that writing is only a hobby, that too–but he did seem ok with me pursuing publication.
He places no blame or judgment on me–he is just giving me the facts!
I am severely limited and have been for over a year. I am not really going to get better. We cannot resume our life together as long as I’m sick.
These things make me so sad. These things make me want to drink the weed be gone.
I’m so limited. I can’t do so many things, like leave. But I don’t want leave. I want to be my best self.
I want to be successful and be my best self. And I don’t think I ever will be able to.
I need therapy. My appt isn’t for a week. I will just spend more time here.
Until I am better, I can only clean house, take care of them and myself, finish the novel, send out letters.
That’s really it. That’s all there is.
Sunday at 8:30 am
I took a Valium to calm down and now I’m really sleepy. Good thing I worked starting at 3 am til 8, adding chapters from AMA to mental and rereading the second half of novel for understanding after inserting those chapters in part four, where Eve writes and also end of novel. I have to go back and put a chapter in bc I inserted same ch twice, and then read entire novel and to see if it works as a whole. I will do this in a sec, put in an important ch since I can’t fit in the whole piece into the novel. It reads true to me so far, it is remarkable how these pieces fit together, and the inserted ls works well too. They are practically seamless, but I will prob cut the quotes at beginning of AMA bc they are prob too much. They just don’t add much, really.
I applied to join a literary fiction writing club that meets in the woodlands. Since no one wants to read my novel or website, I could get feedback and advice from these writers, as well as hopefully make like-minded friends. Being accepted into this club would give me great solace and excitement, somewhere meaningful to go. I am still waiting to hear back. If I am not accepted, I will simply keep looking.
At least I got dressed today. I have to run an errand once the pharmacy at Heb opens. I will bring Chloe and make sure she looks cute.
I feel tired and depressed. I haven’t slept thru the nite in weeks, but I’m trying to use the extra time in a calm way, working on my two personal projects.
I am very disappointed that c will not be reading even my website. He says it’s because he dislikes reading. He said he’d rather spend his limited free time on the video games. There’s nothing I can do to change his decision, even tho he knows it really hurts me deeply. This is just the way it is. There’s nothing I can do about it but try not to get upset and just accept it.
I think my novel is pretty good. I think people should read it. Just bc c or my parents don’t want to read it doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth reading. I believe that an audience of like-minded people will want to read it. I will start sending out my new publication submission letter tomorrow–want it to be at the top of everyone’s inbox, so can’t send out today. Plus, I want to really finish the edit and then attach the first 10 pages for good luck (although those are already static now, so I’m just gonna create a document and attach tomorrow when I wake up.
I am trying hard not to be down on myself for having so many limitations and rejections of late and for the past year.
I have a fantastic, low stress existence where all I am required to do is become a good wife, continue being a good mom, keep a clean house. After those things are accomplished each day, I am superbly lucky to have time to send out my letters and to write and make art until Clo comes home. It is in many ways the exact life I dreamt of when I quit teaching 12 years ago. I wanted a writer’s life, and I now realize I have it!
This lifestyle is worth subjugating my personal will (which is compromised by this nervous breakdown) and letting c make our decisions and allowing him to review my plans and schedules.
I fear we will end up divorced should I be unable to manage this new schedule or forget and allow myself to focus more on my personal creative work than on him. I am a terrible wife. I am afraid he will take Chloe and leave me homeless someday when I am too sick to fend for myself and will have to live in a homeless shelter with no way of supporting myself, lose even joint custody of Chloe, and experience what would be a truly ruined life.
I am so afraid I can’t stick to this plan bc I’m too sick. I have such a strong fear of failure and of success. That’s all for now
I just tried to slip into bed with c but I woke him up and he was complaining so I threw a fit and slammed the door shut. Then I took another 3 Valium. I am depressed. I left a msg for dr Arene demanding she give Valium and explaining I’m still agoraphobic and that deep breathing/meditation doesn’t take away the agoraphobia.
I’m just gonna pass out from the Valium in this chair. I am not going to do anything else today but get in my bed and sleep and watch tv and not talk to c. I will help Clo get up, the get in bed for the day. I can’t deal w everything that’s going on–I must retreat in my mind and with my body until my mind can accept my situation. No one can help me and I can’t help me. C can’t even give me the slightest comfort, so fuck him. I will only talk to Chloe today until I get some kind of apology or have enough energy to tell him I’m upset bc he is self-centered.
This is an intolerable situation but it’s the only situation I can have.
Clo just woke up demanding something. I told her she must getnready on her own And that I was going to stay in bed all day long doing nothing and barely answering anyone’s questions I don’t give any good goddamn about c’s feelings anymore and reallymchloe said she’d be upstairs and check on me later and I said that was fine as long as I don’t have to speak. I am unimportant and depressed and I can’t even fucking type. This is the fucking end of my waste of time fucking journal
I am now behind a locked door in my room smoking cigarettes and watching law and order.
I told Clo not to come in here unless it’s an emergency. She is angry and playing upstairs. I can’t manage this new schedule which starts tomorrow. All I want to do is stay in this bed all day long and sleep and watch tv and smoke.
I don’t care what they say or feel. I am not capable of managing me own emotions. I am ready to just stay in bed for the long term. If I can’t get some Valium tomorrow, I am going to start looking for another dr. My reality is that I’m agorophobic and I need medical help.
I am a failure. I can’t manage my feelings, thoughts and actions. I am sick of trying–I have been trying and failing so why would I want to keep trying when chris can’t even let me have the comfort of laying next to my hubbie. I have nothing reassuring to be comforted by in my life, except my understanding Chloe.
I want chris to divorce me. I am going to tell him this when he comes in here and tries to talk to me about nothing helpful.
There is nothing to understand about my situation and no amount of discussion is gonna give me the ability to manage my lot in life. He is not helping me. He is just taking my choices away and leaving me with the frustration of a teenager.
I am so fucking sad that I can’t manage a life, any life no matter where I am, there I fucking am. I can’t clean or take care of them in a loving, consistent way. I am being set up for yet another failure.
Why am I just repeating myself over and over? I’m just gonna ignore everyone but Clo and do what I want to do. I want to stay curled up in my fucking bed and try to get some relief.
Monday 9/18/17 journal
It’s 3:50 am and I’m up for the third time this night, so I decided to get up.
I have accomplished a lot today and only lost temper once! Need to work on that. The Valium is helping and I look forward to hearing back from dr Arene about it. It is a temporary fix if she won’t prescribe, and I don’t think I need it forever–just need to dull my senses a bit for now while I work on so many frustrating things and dedicate myself to the shit task of keeping up with my large home and the constant messy state it’s in.
I dropped off dry cleaning, i have straightened downstairs, gotten dishes ready for cleaning, and in process of doing a shitload of laundry and putting it up.
I still must clean the floors and vacuum downstairs today before I can do what I want to do, which is send out agent letters. I am changing radio stations–pause. Went from Radiohead to belle and Sebastian. Much better for my mood.
I told C this am that I was sorry for taking out my frustration with myself on him since Saturday, but that I had moved past that and would do my best to be pleasant.
I found many Bipolar and psychology pins on Pinterest this am during free time, created boards for them, and read a bunch of helpful articles. My Pinterest boards are getting impressive, I am filling in the poetry and prose boards with pins from psychology and bipolar, as well as adding to my writer’s life and personal journey boards. Yesterday, I enjoyed posting many inspirational pins I created on Facebook, and enjoyed a small response. I have decided many people read these Facebook posts even if they don’t like them, so I feel good about sharing my writing and created pins on Facebook regardless of the outcome. I also posted many pics of the Buddha, which got a very positive response and sparked comments! I am going to keep doing Buddhist posts most definitely.
I am in a calm and positive mood. At least I know that once I get thru these daily chores today, I can then have the absolute luxury of doing what I want to do to advance my chances of getting published. I think I should revise my letter first, then figure out how to cite my website and also make sure the first three chapters of my novel are ready to judge. So, it’s revise letter and include citation, then polish the first three chapters and make a document of them, then make the package and send it out until I complete Page 3 or Chloe comes home.
Tonite is open house and c is saying I didn’t tell him about it this weekend but I did twice plus forwarded him the email regarding it from her teacher. I told him to do his best and that I didn’t blame him for not hearing me bc I was rambling. I am going with Alana and Alison and Chloe either way, and I’m not at liberty to obsess over whether or not he will blame me for not being able to make it. That was the old me–this new creature does what’s best for her mental health and deals with the consequences of sometimes putting mental health first. After all, I can only say and email the fact of open house, and go myself, and he can only do his best to listen to me when I’m rambling and make it to open house himself. I’m gonna take pics of Chloe’s work for Vicki, Obi and C if I can without looking like an idiot.
I really think this Valium is making it much easier to function without loud emotional problems that are self-created, c thinks they’re self-created from the chemical imbalance and I really see that now. I can just do my best to remain calm at all costs since that is easiest and also is interpreted by others as being healthy. It is also what feels healthy and gives me the confidence to leave the house, accomplish large and small tasks, and avoid getting into scrapes with my family.
I’m gonna take a sec to do some more Pinterest. It really helps me feel centered and inspired. I look forward to incorporating all of the journals on this iPhone from the past six months into my next novel about myself inside a family and a marriage.
I just woke up from a nap before eating too much, it was pouring out, I did 10 agent letters and will do another ten tomorrow. I am feeling super depressed. I can’t stop feeling resentful to c for telling me all my shortcomings and that I would have zero access to money or any kind of privileges. I did a lot of things around the house today. They didn’t make me feel better. I feel like the maid. He’s gonna be sleeping upstairs permanently now. I guess I’ll finish that red quilt for him and instead of making a marriage quilt, I’ll just make one for me at some point. I am depressed and even my magic orgasm time today didn’t lift my mood.
I’m about to take another nap. I don’t care if it means I could be up all nite, I’ll just do sharpie projects.
I am so depressed that I have no good judgment, no ability to follow through with anything, no Drive or will to live at this point. Tomorrow I’m going to a woodlands dbsa meeting at 11–I’m gonna script out what I want to focus on so hopefully I’ll get some solid feedback from the facilitator and the group members. I hope it’s a good group bc my group is closing and the letter I wrote didn’t change their minds. Whatever.
Also, I signed up to be part of a few writing groups, most meet in the woodlands. Hopefully they have a system for reminding people that they have meetings. I’m about to go back to meet ups and see what I can discover. The groups I picked are ones that either meet during the day or on Saturdays. Pause
C just got home. A bit of time goes by, he asks me if I am going to cook the chicken, I say yes and when does he want me to cook it? He gets pissed. He drills me about this chicken and also says he doesn’t want chicken for dinner. I say I won’t cook the chicken bc I’m not hungry anyway. He says these are the simple conversations that I can’t have. I got up and stormed out here to garage. Then he comes back and tries to apologize. I can’t manage myself, much less a relationship. I am just going to stick to the plan of trying to be pleasant and say little as possible until I am feeling more like myself.
I honestly don’t even want to go to open house with him and wish to god tonite wasn’t the night. I’m an 8 on my scale. I have no one to say that to until dbsa tomorrow.
I don’t want to talk to him about anything, bc of what just happened and because there is nothing good to say. I wish I had something positive to say. I’m gonna shave my armpits and try on my black and pink dress, see if i want to wear it. I’m sure it will look good on me and be less tight than last year. That gives me something to do. I would rather be overdressed than wear what I had planned.
I didn’t get enough quality alone time today. I am not ready to interact with my husband. He thinks of me realistically or even negatively now. I hold no magic or charm anymore. I’m just like any other woman, but worse.
He won’t even buy me that fabric for the marriage quilt. I don’t want to make it anymore anyway bc we don’t even sleep in the same bed, so what’s the point? It’s just fucking stupid, it’s a stupid fucking idea.
It’s too early to get dressed. I have nothing to do but wait for Chloe to get home and then I’ll be distracted by her in a good way.
Still have to go to Alana’s house and explain why I can’t take her to open house. That will be a bummer. Chloe should be home any minute…
I sent out ten letters. I got back a rejection, which sounds like a bad thing but really isn’t. It’s better than not getting anything back. At least the guy read it. 1 for 9 so far. Maybe this improved letter will get a response. I’m already going to change things and put a three chapter package together.
I just told c before Chloe got here that I was no longer going to pretend I feel better than I do bc he can see me clearly anyway and there’s no point.
Tuesday 9/19/17 Journal
This morning, I am feeling calm and productive so far and managed to help c get ready to go in a positive way. He also has been saying encouraging and positive things to me last nite and this morning that show he recognizes that I am staying focused on housework goals and also on staying organized even though it’s hard. This is motivating.
I woke up at 3 am and started day in new way–doing Pinterest, reading, today I created a pretty good first ten pages mental sample and sent out to ten agents by 5 am. I sent a few pins to Facebook and some got hits. I sent the mental page to Facebook too, yet to look at response. I am going to do this each morning after c leaves for work before Chloe wakes up–it makes me feel good. I think I’m gonna add my website to the pins from now on. I have 30 mins to keep doing this and I am going to–pause
I have to leave for dr Arene in one hour and I’m about to put Clo’s laundry up. I just vacuumed downstairs and ran over something that is making vacuum make noise. I hope I didn’t permanently do something to it bc it’s new.
It occurs to me that I used to spend my whole day while they were away doing things for myself instead of at least finding a balance. Chores help me find a balance. Today I’m going to try and finish Clo’s body pillow. I also used to spend a ton of time trying to get c, Vicki and Obi to do something or another or to communicate with me–they don’t want to. I am not going to waste my time doing that anymore, which ironically leaves more time for me to do what I actually want to do for my own reasons plus do chores for my family.
Last nite was open House and it was amazing. Pause
So I took 2 Valium, four sleeping pills, regular lunch meds and only slept for 2 hours! What a waste bc now I feel exhausted and drugged–at least I have two hours to recover. I should be doing laundry now but I’m making plans w Lisa to come over tomorrow and make boxes in exchange for picking something out of my closet. At least I have a friend. I feel really impaired. I’m not gonna do this again. Not worth it. Can barely stay awake. I should do the laundry. I don’t want to tho.
Most women would kill for this life. I have no alternatives. I want to restart the job search tomorrow morning or after Lisa leaves. Maybe Thursday. I’m going to keep it a secret from c until I actually get one.
I realize that most women would love to live in my house, clean it, not work, have a brilliant and gorgeous daughter, be married. I however am having difficulty with this bc he won’t be supportive of my ambitions, he ignores me, he takes me for granted, he believes negative things about me, I can’t leave him bc I don’t have a job or money, and I don’t want him to take Chloe away from me.
I wish I was more optimistic about things. I wish I wasn’t so depressed. Is that Chloe’s bus? I think so…pause. It wasn’t.
I yelled at her for no reason once she got home, about choc juice and how no one gives a damn but to have me do things for them without thanking me and that nobody cares about whether or not I have any interests. I really think she’d be better off living without me.
I sent my mom an email apprising her of the situation and asking if she would help me get an apartment.
I am suicidal now. I came out here to smoke and journal, but I don’t see the point.
Lisa is coming over tomorrow but I have to go pick her up. I’m no longer sure this is a good idea. I will not be good company and I don’t feel like doing art.
I want to kill myself if I could succeed. But I wouldn’t want to leave Chloe behind.
Maybe I can get hit by a train or something. There is one by the house.
Now I have to make her dinner when I really want to take nite meds and go to bed…so happy that chris is late!
It’s hot outside. I am exhausted from my day. The only thing I have to look forward to is having Lisa over tomorrow, and I don’t even want to do that.
I am so beyond sick of being conscious. I wish I were in a coma for the rest of my life.
I am so sick to death of depressions and manias. There is not a lot I can do to help myself but stay away from pot and wait.
I will make myself straighten, pick up, make beds, vacuum upstairs. Not gonna do the stairs, tho. Then go pick up Lisa–
Just had frank discussion w hubbie and I was totally honest. At first we thought I should go to hospital, but we decided against it bc here I’m in my home, can do better art, can have Lisa over, can see my family, etc which will make me less suicidal.
I feel less strained, less stressed, now. They are both being incredibly understanding and that’s a lucky thing. My life is pretty great, c even out my fears of divorce to bed, so I feel I have a clean slate for now.
C just said he doesn’t think I can get a job. I feel suicidal. He chased me down, said he wanted a divorce, changed his mind, blamed it all on me, swore he never said that about the job. Then we started brainstorming about how to save even more money.
I am absolutely exhausted. Chloe is sleeping down here tonite. She is stressed and tired, too. I made her a cigar box and am waiting for it to dry–it’s pink and purple with coloring book cutouts and a note written on inside. I am about to go see if it’s dry so I can give it to her. It was and she liked it
Clo said that she thinks both her daddy and me are mean to each other, a back n forth. She is right. We go to therapy on oct 5. It’s too far away. I’m just gonna stay clear of him, keep house, make food, be pleasant–all a real challenge. He thinks I’m the real problem, that my Bipolar is the real problem. He is right. I can’t even get out of my own way.
All I’m gonna do with my vast personal time is make things w Lisa, look for jobs, send out letters.
I feel completely impaired. It is all I can do to force myself to apply for jobs, and I keep taking motivational breaks as it is. I think I’ve applied to five, none really that I wanted. I was having difficulties on phone, but it’s easier on pc anyway.
I am excited about getting wood today, however, and maybe iron ons to make graphic tees too. That is keeping me motivated for later. I plan to make my own desk!
I am not gonna take a Valium now before he gets up bc it will incapacitate me…I am gonna do my best to just stay quiet and busy until 5:15, 15 mins from now.
So I just woke up, fed bells, filled Med boxes and it’s 5 am. I have a lot to do before Tiffany comes over at 1:30, and maybe I’ll finish early and get to rest.
So, I’ve got to figure out a way to stop being so depressed. Sometimes it helps to do Pinterest but I’m gonna try this, try working it out here first…
I told Claudia and Lisa things that c has said and done the past two weeks and they both thought I should leave him too. My app at tomball pines is almost complete–I would need a letter from Arene and also to take a fucking drug class at cy creek day treatment–all because of that Dwi 15 years ago. I will do it. C said he would pay for me to live forever apart if that was my choice, a nice sentiment but not sure I can trust someone else to support me again if I am on my own.
He says he loves me, doesn’t want to divorce. But we can’t get along, and it’s both our faults. We can’t fix it on our own. We have therapy on the 5th, which is two Thursdays from now. I told him I’m just gonna lay low until then, and if we aren’t getting along, I’m gonna come to art room or garage.
I can avoid starting arguments pretty easily and get along with him too. We did it yesterday. Maybe the nervous breakdown which seems never ending is the root cause of our marital problems–I know it is. I’m not going to feel badly about this bc it’s beyond my control–it’s a chemical imbalance.
I’m about to start painting the bookshelf in a sec.
I have only been back looking for work for one week, so I’m not going to get upset about finding nothing. I will start back up again Sunday but definitely Monday.
So, here’s where I motivate myself out of depression–I’m gonna do Pinterest.
Chloe’s playing w a friend and c is completely absorbed with football. He did and said some negative things already today, but I’m not focusing on it.
I am focusing on making a pocket pillow that Clo can keep a book in. I just cut the fabric. The front is yellow w pink butterflies and will have a white fabric pocket w rainbow birds and butterflies. The back will be this white fabric. I think it will be fairly easy to make the pocket, but we shall see bc directions weren’t that clear. Either way, I have enough to make at least one more today so this is a practice one.
My depression is beginning to lessen. I would say I’m a 6 down from a 7. This is making a big difference in how I am feeling and how I am reacting to my family. I think I’m gonna make it!
I also want to make a tote bag out of an old large pair of jeans today or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. Although it would be cool to bring it to therapy, but I could always just bring it next time. There will be no need for lining. Both sides will have a pocket that’s the back pocket of the pair of jeans, and I think I’m pretty clever to think of that!
I am making kung pao for dinner which is easy and delicious.
Today I am just gonna do my own thing bc I have plenty to do. The house is clean and I just need to do the tile tomorrow and finish the laundry.
My room looks so fab! The new bookshelf is totally amazing and I redid my bed with the yellow sheets and my fave floral coverlet. I am super happy with it, and can’t wait to make my bed tomorrow to see how it looks.
I see Terri tomorrow for the first time in like 5 months. I am going to sit down and come up with three things to talk about, although they will be big things and I’m not sure we can get to all of them in this session.
So, I am attempting to get ready for this new dbsa mtg in the woodlands by journaling out what I will say when it’s my turn to speak.
There are so many things I could rant about or cry about, but the excellent news of the day today is that I feel within the normal range at long last! However, I told arene’s proxy yesterday that I am only willing to take the shot again when I’m extremely manic and that’s it. They gave me a hard time, but how would they like to bounce between utter depression and suicidal thoughts for two fucking weeks? Fuck them! I refuse to do that a sixth time–I’m not a goddamned idiot!
So, I know now what I willb say. Hi, I’m __________. I’m on disability for severe bipolar and gad. My hubbie of ten years and I aren’t getting along bc I’m having a nervous breakdown this whole year. I’m a writer and trying to get a novel published. My hubbie told me, yelled, that he will never read this novel like I desperately want him to (not even a ten page sample) or the website I spent 7 mos making to advertise my writing. Last nite I told him how beside myself with grief I am about this and he got angry again and still refused to read anything and I am not depressed, I can’t get a divorce, but if I had a good job I would take my daughter and leave him. Any advice?
So, I will just have to go next Tuesday, which isn’t a big deal bc I’m not feeling depressed–I’m feeling pretty calm (without Valium), positive in a measured way, a little hopeful even.
I just got off phone w Obi. I am going to work on bettering myself with even more effort than before now. I am going to improve my attitude, my actions and my thoughts. I will no longer accept a fighting home or a negative mindset.
I am going to mature myself with thoughtful effort. I need to decide now on one thing I can do to be a better, more mature person.
I was discussing options on the phone. To me, the best place to start is holding my tongue when I want to yell, defend myself or say negative things to others.
So, I’m going to simply be quiet and learn to be a good listener. Also, if I have no response, c is not going to be able to do or say a thing. This is the best first step o forward and I am excited to try it out when he gets home. Now I am going to start Chloe’s tooth pillow.
We are fighting right now again for the millionth time. We are fighting over Clo not eating. I just told him that the only things I can control in our relationship are my thoughts, behaviors and feelings–his response was to scream at me from his chair until I started writing in this journal. I am not even angry. I haven’t been angry this whole fight. Chloe is in her room. I take that back. I did get angry when he repeatedly repeatedly said the same stuff over and over like I’m an idiot who can’t comprehend and also seemed over and over like he wanted me to give Clo a cookie when she didn’t eat enough for dinner. When I calmly said that I was done with this meal and was not going to give her the cookie, but if he wanted to do so I didn’t care. He of course had exactly nothing to say each time I felt the need to repeat myself. At one point, I said that I would be happy to let him take over her meal preparation and desserts bc I lose sleep over her food issues and all I get is flack from him not support, he actually said he would. Then he changed his mind. Enough. They both heard me say that I am done with food for the evening.
Ok. Time to get positive. Clo just said her fave thing about our family is our love. I said my fave thing was laughing together. That’s a start. I am going to write it again–in my marriage, I understand that I can only be responsible for my thoughts, behaviors and feelings. Period. That is plenty for me to handle. I failed tonite and let him rope me into an argument bc he baited me like he does expertly. I am going to apologize to him for losing my temper when I go back in.
I am almost done. I know that I am healthy in mind and body today. I have good intentions. I know that I did my best with the skills I have developed so far. I know I need to improve and do better tonite and in the future. I believe I can get along with my husband if I work in myself enough to do so. I love my family. I love my husband. I will not shut down. I will not go negative. I will do my best for the rest of my life to act my age and get my shit together so that I can have a healthy marriage. I know I can do better when I go back inside now. More for results of these intentions later this evening.
So, I had a good productive day today. I got a lot done and made a tooth fairy pillow for Chloe and a decoupage pasta canister.
I got a job! It is with Varsity Tutors (natl). I will be tutoring ten subjects all related to literature, reading and writing. I had my second interview today and signed my contract. I had to submit to a background check.
I am going to write my online profile tomorrow and take a dressed up, glasses on selfie to post on their website. It is $23 for onsite tutoring and $15 for online tutoring. They find my students for me! It is practically perfect and I can’t believe I am getting another opportunity to be a teacher! It is a chance to get it right this time, and one on one is my wheelhouse. C is excited! I am excited!
I will be more excited once I pass the background check but I told Megan that I had the 15 yr old Dwi and she seemed like it wasn’t an issue and I think even said she would talk to the person who does that. I think my chances are at least 75% and I have chosen to be calmly happy about this first real shot at a job in 12 years and I am trying to feel good about it.
Obi is not excited! She said in general the following–I don’t have a job, I will get rejected bc of my credit score, my ideas for my art room/office are bullshit and I’m a shitty artist.
So, c just said he had no idea why Obi talks to me this way and that he thinks she is wrong and that I shouldn’t let it worry me. I am trying and I can try harder…
So, I am just trying to be right now. I feel depressed when I should feel good. I just can’t let anyone in my family have control over my emotions anymore–the only one who gets hurt is me! I want to be cautiously optimistic about my chances at a third chance at teaching! I am trying to also prepare myself to be let down.
I just did even more research on vt and I was right–picking your own hours and my location of tomball college was approved and you get paid twice a week which is just amazing! I will always have spending money as long as I have students to teach! This really is exciting! Even if I don’t get many hours this semester, any $$ is better than none and it will be good just to get back in the swing of things again. I am feeling good about this choice!
I don’t really feel tired and I am feeling less depressed. I think I’ll make some sleepy tea and just try to relax and not think too much and see if that gets me through to bedtime. I am about to go out Chloe to bed now.
I am the one who decides how I feel. I am the one who can choose calm happiness. I am feeling calm and really less sad now and I did that all by myself. I am really proud of myself right now! This was hard to do, but not that hard, and I saved myself from tanking again and I’m starting to believe I can always do this and starting to believe that I will be able to always right my ship if I can remain in control of myself–that is the key here. That is really the key.
I am cleared to tutor just online until I get them a copy of my new tdl which I am applying for tomorrow.
I can’t even be happy about this. I am feeling like a 7 today. Even after eating, even after bathing in tub, even after resting, even after watching svu.
What Obi said yesterday was a big downer, but I felt like I managed it and then journaled and handled all of it last nite.
Earlier today, I thought it was the unknowingness of the job status. But then I got the job!
Then I thought it could be anxiety–stuff I read that’s negative about vt, uncertainty of how many students I will get, what if it’s been too long and I suck?
I really don’t think it is any of these things, not at all.
It feels chemical. It started earlier than obi’s words yesterday, I started feeling the slide. I am back to full-on depression.
So, what good things happened today? I got a job! I made a cool sign from a shelf that I put in the stairwell which reads, “this is our happy place.” I read a few articles about querying. I took a nice bath. I am watching one of my fave shows and I haven’t watched a real show in months.
I took 1 1/2 Valium to help me stay calmer and maybe nap until 3:30. Maybe this was not a good idea.
I popped out of bed at 3 thinking I had heard my alarm, but by the time I figured this out, I was in the kitchen. I can’t go back to sleep at that point.
Lisa was supposed to come over but now she has to work during the day. This is good for her, but maybe would have helped to have someone around.
C is late again tonite. This is less than ideal. I will do my best to be a good mom today! In sure when I see her, it will be easy.
I really don’t think I can think of a reason that I feel badly again. I think that Tuesday was just a blip. I am praying to all the gods that this is also a blip and I will feel better soon, like by tomorrow morning.
I am going to do my Pinterest folders now. Pause. I did it for about 30 pins and it helped. I’m gonna keep doing it (I fell asleep). Pause. I read maybe 15, then fell back asleep.
I am in the beginning of gabapentin withdrawal, didn’t feel I could drive myself to Heb so c is gonna pick it up. I am dizzy, my ears are ringing, I am having weird in and out feelings, and I’ve pooped like 3 times today. I feel completely out of it and have only missed the two doses from today–it is deteriorating rapidly.
I do feel less depressed after the nap and the reading, which is so wonderful. Now I’m waiting to hear Clo’s bus to walk down to get her. I think that my article to bp hope was correct–the power of positive thinking can be just as powerful as medicine and therapy.
Everything I did today and thought today was positive. It really helped! Now I have to get ready for Chloe and hopefully she will let me lay down and watch tv in my room until c can give me my passport and my meds. I am feeling like a 4, a huge improvement. Pause
I am already slipping. Some of this could be from no gabapentin, too, I just realized.
Lisa and I really will never have time to hang out again now that we both have jobs. Messenger is so fucking annoying, and she barely responds enough to my liking, that I am very tempted to cancel it tomorrow am if I haven’t heard from her and just leave my number with her there and tell her to call me when she gets phone back. We really only have illnesses and art in common, enough for a friendship, but I feel like I’m encouraging her to steal and I am feeling awful about that. Plus, she’s pretty negative and makes bad, tho less, choices. She left all that paint and creamer at my house–and what am I going to do with that unfinished coffee bar? Maybe I should ask her about it. I’m sure I’ll be so bored one day that I’ll want to decorate it. I don’t know. It’s probably not a healthy friendship anyway…
So, I am taking a break from writing my submission letters until November, so a little over a month. It’s not necessarily that I’m too discouraged bc this is a very hard thing to accomplish. It’s mainly that I could be spending my time doing something more lucrative, like working to find a part time job. I do think my letter is good tho, but that starting smaller with query letters to websites and magazines will be a better thing to do.
I just sent my passport. It’s now 7:00 pm. Everything complete, but I won’t be able to see my profile until I give them a pic of my license. I am going to get a paper copy tomorrow and take a pic of that and see if that at least gets me my online profile… I super want to see it! Make sure it is really fab!
I am now at a level 2! This is amazing progress if I can simply dig deep and find the energy to stop and read positive things, it starts working right away and keeps on working as long as I keep purish thoughts!!!!!
After twenty years of searching, I have finally found something that always works and is easy and Isn’t time consuming. Amazing!
Although it occurs to me that it is definitely also the infusion of three missing pills that I took an hour ago, too. But it takes lots of things working in tandem in order for me to be healthy. Chloe’s going to bed early tonite bc I need to rest and feel all the way better.
I had a fab day with my new writing group, but I will talk about that later.
I am going to take that class at the hospital so I can qualify for an apt bc chris just said he didn’t love me and he didn’t think I loved him. Then he stormed off upstairs after I stormed off to the garage bc we both are sick to death that we can’t even get along well enough to do a fucking grocery list!
I want to kill myself over him. I was in a perfectly great mood since 2 am and got rave reviews about ch 2 at this group and was so happy about it.
Then he wasn’t answering me when I said hey we need to do the grocery list and then after a little while I said that I was going to go ahead and start the list bc he wasn’t answering me so I started it and then he blew up bc I started it I guess without his permission or without him doing it and then he took over and rejected all my meal suggestion and put them down even tho they were meals we normally have. He insisted we buy strictly sandwiches as super cheap stuff and was convinced we could go from spending 250 to 150, which we got it down to 165. There is nothing I want to eat all week except yogurt and cereal.
Then we had the biggest fight we’ve ever had. He constantly blames me for most things that go wrong and then gets exasperated when I don’t give him the answers he expects.
I think I should start packing a bag for me and clo to go to my mother’s tonite if she’ll have us. That would be a mistake and stupid since it’s past 2 pm and Clo’s at gramas. Maybe I could convince v to keep Clo overbite so that c and I could sit down and try to get in agreement. Maybe that would be a bigger disaster. I don’t know what to do. I am quite beside myself and he is talking about me moving out so that I can buy my precious yogurt. I tried and tried to cancel the goddamn fucking yogurt but I can’t figure out how to do that. He said he needed a break and wouldn’t help me.
I really am tempted to take all those Tylenol 3s and gabapentins tonite and just end my life because I can’t even get along with someone I don’t think I even like anymore. Our anniversary is coming up and I don’t think we will make it that far, to be honest.
I think we should put the house on the market and start dividing up assets once it’s sold. This situation is impossible and I don’t want to be with him anymore. It seems as if he gave up a long time ago when I was sick and now is just out to fight and put me down. The true irony is that I’m not sick anymore but it’s too late, the damage has been done. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and that I’ve done everything wrong and there’s no fixing this.
I am ready to move forward with my life regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. We will go to court over Chloe and let a judge decide. If I can’t have my daughter full time, maybe part time. If I can’t have her part time, then visitation whenever possible.
It seems like this is a done deal this time for good. This has been coming since the beginning of my nervous breakdown in July 2016. There is nothing I can do if I don’t love him anymore and he doesn’t love me anymore. That’s that. It’s over.
I don’t want to kill myself over another holland mccurry. I think I have a job. I have my writing and working towards publication. I have my daughter. I have my artwork. I am about to have a new computer to work with. I can continue looking for another job. I have a barista interview on Monday 8:15. There are really promising things that are happening for me and if I simply had my goddamn ssi check every month, I would be able to make a go of it, plus the courts would at least order him to pay me something every month.
I no longer believe I have to stay in a marriage where he physically attacked me just bc I am bipolar and don’t have access to my ssi.
I truly feel in my heart that it is time to move on. I truly believe in my heart that I will figure it out and be happy without him. If these decisions mean that I cannot continue to live with Chloe, she will always be my daughter and I will always be her mother. I do not believe I will ever take a chance at love again–it is just too emotionally expensive.
Going up there to tell him these things now would only be done out of hurt and retribution. He doesn’t have to know these things now. He will know them when it’s time. That might not be today. That might be in therapy on Thursday. It might not even be then. I can’t afford to take that stupid class or be on a waiting list for tomball pines. I’m gonna have to come up with a different plan and I have no idea what it will be. I’m gonna have to think about it, and it probably involves Obi’s $$ temporarily. Now I’m gonna have to ask her for more money, and she could turn me down. I cannot afford to leave him any time soon.
Luckily, I have therapy Monday @ noon. I will most definitely be asking her to help me either come up with a plan or approve a plan.
I think the only next move is putting this house I’ve worked so hard on up for sale. Once sold, we split everything. We will have to live here together separately until it sells, which it probably will sell pretty quickly. Before then, we get a cheap divorce and stay in the house together separately until custody is decided. Then either I leave alone or me and Clo leave.
I can’t even ask for him to move to his moms house bc I need his income right now. I think I might ask him to move there for what I’ll call a trial separation. I’m sure he will refuse. It’s worth a shot.
I am mature enough and rooted enough in positivity to make sure I take care of myself and my daughter in a fine way. There is just no way that this situation is going to improve.
The best thing for everyone, even if Chloe lives with him, is for us all to move forward, bite the bullet, and get a goddamn divorce. After today, I realized that I do not love my husband anymore and I have zero desire to live with him in a marriage. I really don’t and I really am done being upset with him and being upset about the state of this situation.
I know I have done my best to improve this situation to the best of my abilities and to improve my behaviors, thoughts and actions so that I can play a role in the creation of a peaceful home. These efforts have proved a failure.
He just came out here and said that he was sorry for his terrible behavior, that he didn’t know what was wrong with him, that he was a grown man and couldn’t control himself and didn’t know why. I simply replied that I thought it was bc he had had enough of me, that he was very angry. I said I was a grown woman and I couldn’t control my behavior either. Pause to call Walmart and have then cancel the fucking yogurt. They said they can cancel it tomorrow when I show up. Thank god.
I feel I’m having a lot of clarity right now. I haven’t cried, I only had the familiar excuse of suicide in a fleeting way, I am feeling solid within myself and with this plan.
I’m going to go about my day. If he wants to talk to me, I’ll talk to him in a calm fashion. If he wants to discuss our options, I will tell him what I think the next move is. That’s it for now.
He wanted to watch a show together. I fell asleep for hours and hours. I guess all those recent early mornings really caught up to me, especially today. I’m gonna have to knock myself out tonite for sure.
It’s almost hysterical to me that I used to really dislike being away from him on football Sundays–most seasons before last where it was just annoying. I am really looking forward to not having him at home tomorrow and it just being a cleaning kind of girls day! I am still not upset about my decision to work towards a separation. I did say to him quite calmly that I was open to a trial separation. His response was that it would only be expensive and that it would be debt we’d be splitting after a divorce. Not very interesting response.
But for one thing–I am not going to stop going to this writing group. I really liked the people and their response to my work. I think I might really need the confidence boost and the possibility of a friend. Lisa is very busy with her life and isn’t really that compatible of a friend. The only problem I see is if I start working on saturdays–if that’s the case, I will have to give up the group but at least I will have gotten a few chapters workshopped before then.
23 days til anniversary
I just woke up after sleeping for 11 hours and I still feel tired, plus I probably slept 5 hrs napping yesterday. Don’t know exactly why I’m tired like this, I think it could be that the nervous breakdown is really over now and my body can finally catch up on it’s rest.
From now on, I’m going to sleep in until after chris goes to work in the morning if possible. Definitively until we reconnect, if that ever happens.
I guess I feel forced to stay since he won’t move down with his mom and I can’t leave Chloe and move in with mine, plus I have a job now. His response to me saying I was open to a separation was, in hindsight, more of one of also feeling trapped and not that he wanted to work it out, when he said the $$ he’d have to charge for an apartment would just be more debt to split during a divorce. So in his mind, it seems, there’s sticking it out/staying together and divorcing.
and maybe I’ll get that barista job tomorrow–gotta figure out which black outfit to wear so I look like a beatnik. Prob the backless black top and black yoga capris with black converse and pink purse and decoupaged folder with resume. I will be ready to leave when I get Chloe up and just drive over there after she gets on bus.
The saddest part to me about what’s going wrong in my marriage is that I have felt within normal range for 1 1/2 weeks now and it hasn’t improved the marriage, after yesterday it seems to have made it much worse! I had been thinking this while 18 months that the real reason we were struggling was my nervous breakdown, that that was the cause.
Although unfair to me and showing weakness on his part, I had accepted that long ago as the reason and felt that if I could just get normal, things would go back to normal…maybe not enough time has passed or…
I fear that my newfound voice is the cause of the problem. Ever since we married 8 years ago, he started becoming belige and verbally abusive, then physically abusive that night, then menacing the other. The way I used to handle this and just disagreements in general was to say nothing and wait for him to get it out of his system. It worked. I also never brought these incidents to his attention or later told him what I thought we should do about them.
Until he attacked me. Even though that was 11 months ago, I slowly realized I might as well stand up for myself and speak my opinions bc the worst had happened and I couldn’t stand for that to happen again.
That was the scariest thing he’s ever done and he acted just like robin to such a tee and in front of my child that I just don’t know if I actually can get over it. I know I’ve tried. But the yelling is back after taking the summer off in a honeymoon period (where we almost divorced 5 months ago), and yesterday I called him on his anger and omg did he not like it! In hindsight, that’s what really made him go nuts yesterday, me standing up to him and calling him on his shit. When he came into the garage and apologized and was sincere and I could tell he’d been crying, he said he didn’t know why.
We just had a short conversation about why, and he said it was $$. I said I was about to start working at the tutoring job, that I had a barista interview tomorrow, he dismissed that. I said I was the reason we were having $$ problems. He eventually agreed, saying it wasn’t my fault but bc I’m bipolar.
Then, the root cause of his marital and personal troubles is my Bipolar Disorder–none of this can change until I stay in remission. If I can stay in remission, work a job or maybe two, then we can get out of debt, get him a new car, go to Astros games and to the movies (two things he just mentioned) and be happier. If
But, his marital and personal problems will just simply return when the illness returns, which all the info I have says it will–it will either give me nine years of freedom or longer again, or less time being able to be my true and best self. If I am sick, he is even angrier and unhappier than usual. When I am sick, we are living in a yelling house constantly on the verge of collapse.
Terri and that lawyer think I would get Chloe if we divorced. I’m definitely gonna talk to her about her experience and opinion about this. But, then I’d be getting a divorce and quitting, just like robin and Christine. Just like Vicki. I don’t want to be a divorced woman who is in her forties.
I think I understand what I want–I think I still love him, although not so much in love with him today, but that could improve if he can stop yelling and be sweet for a while. I do think I love living in this house, enjoying Chloe’s success at her Cadillac school, having an art room, a large home with an upstairs full of toys for Chloe. I think I can will myself to act sweet, loving, helpful and keep a clean house. I think I can be cute and flirty and fun and get him to refall in love with me.
These have been my marital plans since Harvey, but everything except housework has been the plan for the past 5 months. So far, it has been an epic fail.
I can try harder, if I can find the desire, to keep a clean house, start making $$, be a better mom, and be fun, cute and flirty to win back his love, but this will not work unless he also is capable of:
Working on his temper, being happy with where we are financially even though it’s far from perfect, can stop blaming me for his unhappiness (or my bipolar) and can start appreciating me for who I am right now and in the future.
I have serious doubts that my husband will be able to learn how to control his temper bc it is the result of immaturity and a lifetime of bad habits. I also seriously doubt that he has the inner drive to want to change. There is nothing I can do about this, like say some ultimatum like no sex or I’m leaving, that would be an effective anger deterrent.
Maybe if I am sweet and flirty and fun, and simply say nothing when he gets angry and loses it (and I mean like show him I’m silent by pursing my lips), then he will eventually settle down and stop all this.
Vicki thinks my plan is sound. Obi thinks my plan is sound. I will ask Terri, the true test, if this new, more comprehensive plan is a good one to begin acting on after therapy tomorrow.
Until therapy, there is just a little time for us to interact. I can manage it! I am going to try to oversleep to avoid a negative am encounter since he’s frequently in a bad mood in the am and takes it out on me for unrelated things. Tonite, I’m gonna be pleasant, ask about the game, tell him what we did if he asks, and be quietly pleasant bc I’ll take a Valium at 5 pm. I will put Chloe to bed so he can go to bed early. I will kiss him in the cheek if the opportunity presents itself. This is a solid plan and all I am willing to do right now.
So, plan for the day–clean house, do two loads of laundry, get smokes and put up the groceries, stitch graphic tees, take care of my Chloe.
Tuesday 10/3/17 Journal
So, c asks Clo if she wants to do cheerleading at his school, she wants to, then he says to me that he doesn’t have $20 to pay for it. I say let’s just let it go then, I wish you would have talked to me first, she’ll forget it if we don’t repeat it, etc. then he says he wants to borrow the $$ from Vicki–and I just say this is his call! So fucking frustrating! He said he’d tell me this am. Whatever. I don’t know what all this is about. So then I ask him what happened to the $$, he says tolls, I ask how much cushion he normally leaves ($100) and make this suggestion–maybe a little less toward the debt so we can be sure we have enough $$ for what we need? That seemed to go over his head…I said he could always come to me to talk about things, and was this why he got so upset over “money” this weekend? He said yes.
I thought I was there the last time bills were paid, and I even remember saying we shouldn’t throw every penny at the debt to make sure we had enough to live on/have a few bucks to spend on something in case we need to/Chloe needs something. I am good with $$ as long as I’m not manic–Terri and I discussed this yesterday. I was on my own for 13 years (admittedly a a few Obi bailouts when healthy) and know about paying debts and leaving enough to live on at the same time. Hopefully he will take my advice–either way, he gets paid tomorrow–but owes v at least $100–tomorrow, I’m gonna see if I can get him to go up to the office after dinner and “walk me through the income, debt and bills” again! Maybe I can influence him if I stay calm.
Xmas is gonna super suck unless we have my new income and it’s decent–as it is, I’m gonna have to make most of the gifts, if we can even afford to do that. We’re gonna have to rely on the moms and everyone is gonna think the reason we’re broke is bc of my mania when that is paid off (or mostly)–the real reason is his fucking tooth debacle that cost nearly as much (2/3s) as my manic debt!
We are in a world of hurt in every fucking direction–financially and emotionally!
Speaking of emotionally, I feel I am forced to stay in this marriage (same as after the attack) bc Chloe and I just made the joint decision to stay and also mainly bc I made vows to C eight years ago this month and I do not have the right to break up this family! Trapped into making things work out–gonna have to stuff my voice–my true voice enraged him!
Just tried to calmly discuss cheer thing, let him do almost all the talking and he decided against cheer on his own. Then, I calmly said as he finished that it would be best next time to check the account before saying anything to Clo. He got enraged. I had to apologize to try and maintain peace. He was then just pissed off. I said that I hadn’t intended to puss him off very calmly and passively, but he was still mad and said not to bring it up again! What the fuck? Wtf? Wtf? Wtf?
I wasn’t trying to make him feel like shit (said that), was just trying to suggest how to proceed the next time so she’s not disappointed. He feels badly, I imagine, knowing we didn’t have the $$ and doing it anyway. Maybe I’ll suggest he cancel the Texans tix, ha fucking ha–disappointing (potentially) my child–fuck him! Knowingly allowing the bank acct to get this fucking low! How am I supposed to go to the dr this week?
He’s gonna blow this week or weekend, it’s gonna happen and I’m afraid of him. That well meaning suggestion of mine is gonna come back to bite me in the ass, I just know it. I guess if my destiny is to stay in this marriage, it’s also my destiny to stuff my voice with him and just express my views to Chloe and use my voice in my writing where it’s safe bc he’s definitely not gonna read any of it, prob it even after it’s published!
The only solution to his anger (until he tries to fix it if that’s even possible) is to go back to passive, Valium me bc he gets along with that passive, opinionless, go with his flow wife. Period. Clean house, straight a kid, nice meals, showing interest in only him, having no discernible feelings, thoughts or personal interests that he’s aware of other than household art I somehow make for free or with my own $$ (which I’m gonna save for the rainy day that’s most likely gonna arrive before I can save enough $$).
Quiet. Sweet. Appreciative. Servile. Personal interests none. Everything C-centered, even Chloe. Let him make the decisions and have the opinions–and have nothing to say but “yes, dear” and I mean I’m gonna start calling him dear too, but sweetly so he never figures out it means I want a Jew separate life! That’s the new plan. If this plan doesn’t work in six months, and if I can save enough by then, then I will ask for a divorce.
Six months is APRIL. April 2018. That’s my time to decide what’s best for this fucking family (by which i mean Chloe and mommy). More later
9:45am–really quick update
He’s gonna be pissed when he hears he has to leave or miss that mtg the entire month of October–but why didn’t he remember to tell me when I was scheduling the goddamn therapy? I am not looking forward to his reaction, and I am reminded that I realized just this weekend that I feel this way more than once a week this entire eight year marriage…
I am about to start cleaning. I don’t really have that much of it to do today, but still I feel resentful. I am still struggling with being alone all day since school started–I realize I really am a pretty social person and enjoy having people I like around me. Now that Lisa has a lot of hours at new job, she isn’t even taking the time to respond to my messenger. I really want to delete it today but it doesn’t cost me much of a rejection to keep it open. Except it doe cost me annoyance and possible porn sending to me whenever I am on fb–I just spent hours deleting every fucking post of mine relating to my website and updating my job status, all in an effort to come off as a real professional tutor should any parent check out my fb page. I sort of want to cancel it, but I do enjoy the new mission I’ve given myself of making positive Pinterest posts on fb, even if they aren’t liked as much as they deserve. That’s all I’m gonna use it for, or maybe this weekend I might get dressed up and take a new profile pic for tutoring purposes. I think any parent would enjoy and be encouraged by my Pinterest posts–they are so positive. All questionable posts have been removed back to July 20th–I just can’t do anymore right now and will attempt to delete until the stupid thing stops tomorrow or later tonite after I’ve done everything I need to do.
I do not feel supported or believed in when it comes to this tutoring position. I do not feel that he has confidence in my abilities. But, I think I can do a great job, and I know now that’s all that really fucking matters!!!!
I wish I didn’t have to leave the house today, but I’m gonna do my chores then take 1/2 Valium, wait thirty, then go to buy cigs at Walmart.
I am really concerned that we have negative $$ right now. If Chloe got sick, I guess we’d just put it on the credit card. I so wish to work many hours tutoring, get this coffee job or find something else this week or next, then get us out of debt as quickly as possible. That would free up spendable cash from his check and give him some financial freedom–maybe then he will get the fuck off my back (even tho the debt that’s left is from him). I have this sinking feeling that I won’t be able to make any real $$ now or in the future, and that Clo and I will be stuck broke and being screamed at for the whole school year.
I don’t have anymore confidence in him being capable of being a consistent good husband or consistent good father bc of his FUCKING TEMPER TANTRUMS! I want to be as nice and friendly and non-confrontational as possible and I’m teaching Chloe how to do that too so that she and I can avoid his rage (however medium or large), but at the same time I am no longer feeling that making overt gestures of lovingness or kindness are in order–this is new since Saturday, I’ve always tried to go out of my way to make these gestures.
I feel sick inside, exhausted, fearful of more negative interactions.
I enjoy being alone and scheduling my day around my needs. I sort of only want to tutor so that I can keep doing this, but that’s not gonna be enough $$. Tutoring hours in the evening always suck, but this is at least a chance to make some $$.
I don’t feel as trapped, but I’ll feel way better once I have student(s) and a paycheck. I think he’ll back off as $$ starts coming in.
I just feel in the normal range with my illness, but overwhelmed by him and a little depressed even though I’m working hard not to allow myself a negative reaction bc it’s useless. Pause
I wanted like easily two hrs of the morning before and after Clo left deleting posts! I made too many fucking posts! Now it’s practically 11 and I’m gonna have to finish chores–floors and laundry–to get cigs, then bath, then job search and queries and no art time today! This fucking sucks! I told Clo I was going to do a book crate today–FUCK! I will just have to explain it or just not bring it up and she will most likely have forgotten.
So it’s gonna be sweep/spot clean,
Get cigs at convenient store after 12 (take 1/2 at 11),
Job search for 1 1/2 hours
Queries until 4
Journal in woman cave until Clo home
I think, think I can manage all that
Getting back to chris–in my granted spotty memory, he has never once asked me about my day–I’ve always just told him after he tells me his! Disrespect or lack of interest–lack of interest, not caring about that.
Also, it seems like such an obvious pattern now that he blows up or attacks or acts menacing, then gives a simple apology (not even any promises, like he knows better) and I’m the one who’s supposed to suck it the fuck up and forget it even happened at all (which is what I did for eight years)–I don’t believe I said I accepted his apology this time, but if so I’m gonna have to take that hit and make sure I never say that again bc it is a MOTHER FUCKING PATTERN THAT KEEPS ON REPEATING! How can I really forgive any of it then? Am I going to have to stay with him out of not wanting to live in a shelter with my daughter bc I can’t earn a living or have Chloe live with me in tomball pines? Section 8 housing is closed now for the foreseeable future. Maybe there’s a remote chance that I could convince Obi that C is abusive and she would pay for us to get away from him, I’d have my ssi, I’d have some income (probably not much) from tutoring, maybe find something else easy to manage soon? Something like the coffee gig, but I prob wouldn’t hear from them until the end of the week. What kind of job should I even look for? Something easy to get, something low wage but not a bookstore–maybe a bookstore–like Barnes and noble or I’m gonna do a search–
I applied to over 100 jobs today! I applied to be a mental health tech! I also wrote a resume for the cast iron cafe and got permission to send it!
I am feeling it–confident, positive, with it, totally excelling in the normal range!!!!
Which brings me back to C–it occurred to me today–who the fuck does he think he is? He can’t manage $$ either! He actually told me that if I want to be sexy, do hard work when I was trying my best to get a fucking job and got one and am still trying to get another one! Fuck you, C! What the fuck do you really know about anything? You can’t balance a checkbook, stop yelling, be positive or prevent yourself from fucking attacking me like a goddamned animal!
Unless I see some very basic, consistent changes by Christmas, me and Clo will be on our way out the fucking door! I applied to so many jobs that I could easily land an interview! And as long as I have my Valium, which I do, I’m gonna ace an interview. I will make it my number one personal priority to get a decent paying job so that I will have the freedom to leave should Chloe and I decide we want to. He will be the loser, and no longer be able to try and make me feel like one.
What a beautiful thing to have some fuking options! Tutoring job–done! Looking for easy fun jobs–done! Taking care of Chloe thoroughly and well–done! Getting back my self-esteem and confidence–almost there! Keeping a clean house–done! Being kind to him when he doesn’t deserve it–done and done! I am a successful person! I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect! I deserve real, satisfying love and I understand that that comes from me and my Chloe and Obi–not a man! I am in the midst of a breakthru!
I am not going to share these revelations with him in or out of therapy–too dangerous, too pointless. What would I say–who do you think you are attacking me? Telling me I’m not working hard? Taking my rights, confidence and self-worth? And he was 75% of why I tried so hard to kill myself and I will go into detail about that perhaps tonite, bc it’s crystal to me that I spiraled that nite and kept going down for four months with the self-doubt, self-blame, self-hatred that matched his hatred of me, flashbacks to my dad’s physical abuse which triggered my recovered memories of the rape, all of this and more mixed together–I thought they would be better off without me, but really the whole time me and Clo would be better off without him!
I need his money right now. I need my share of the house when it sells. I need time to get another job, pay off the debt, save the $$ after that. It is in my best interest to get along with him no matter what he says or does. I am no longer concerned with how he is failing to do the right things. I am concerned with no more fighting for Chloe’s sake. It is maybe even life-threatening to rock this boat. He is raw and uncensored right now, obviously not thinking clearly, obviously unstable. I must be careful and do better at keeping my mouth shut. I cannot just not participate in even one fuking argument!
Wednesday 10/4/17 Journal
So, I told him the session tomorrow was about anger and I told him I had concerns bc I was afraid he would take what I said in session and bring it up in an angry way later on or even attack me. He got frustrated it seemed, then said he thought we were having good day? He mentioned that I “hit” him–I said, slapped–he said yes and I don’t remember but ok and he said he didn’t bring it up and when would enough time go by for me to not bring up the incident? So we decided to just drop it bc it’s complex and to talk about it tomorrow…then a bit later, he gave me a kiss in the garage, so he’s really trying…
I am just going along, until tonite’s test which was a neutral outcome, so I don’t want to be honest and I don’t want to have feelings anymore–I’m gonna be a neutral third party and just get along and go along until my situation changes and I have some power and some choices. I’m thinking about saying this out loud to them tomorrow. I want to avoid getting angered and being screamed st at all costs–this used to work before my nervous breakdown and I’m so good at it that he probably won’t think I’m faking…this is what I want to say.
Today went by in a blur. I still can’t log in to the fucking VT pay site, which I’m sure means I can’t get clients–these people are really starting to piss me off! I will try after bedtime or tomorrow morning…prob tomorrow am. I did a lot of prep, including writing a resume, for the interview. I applied to a few more jobs. I redid my writing sample. I sent out some queries. I started one of Clo’s book crates–its hot pink on the outside, that’s it so far…I have a ton of reading quotes to write on it with sharpies! I will try and work on it again on friday.
So, that is it–I’m feeling trapped, like I can’t have feelings, like I just wanna be neutral. I really don’t think I should say that and play my permanent hand. I’m just gonna give neutral answers and let him lead the way as usual. No one will probably notice, I think I’m that practiced at it. This way, my home life is calm, fight-less and argument-less until I get a job of some $$ and can think about what I really want to do. Right now, I have no options, so I’m just not even allowing myself to think about what I need and what I want. I don’t think I honestly know. I don’t think I honestly care bc I’m so fucking trapped like a little bitch that I can’t even think about it!
And he somehow thinks he can just go back to being civilized after the yogurt incident and just play it cool like everything’s not on the verge of collapse? I honestly think he simply following my lead bc I was doing it an hour later! At least it’s getting us to be civil, be kinder, not argue since Saturday (today’s Wednesday), try and string some days together to make something neutral out of all of this negativity–that’s the best thing we can do right now.
However, he’s expecting honesty tomorrow and I don’t think I can provide him with honesty bc I have shut my feelings down and that’s something I know how to do well and that’s the only thing I know how to do well in the feelings department. I got upset over the fundraising thing at Clo’s school today bc that’s a safe thing to be upset over–that’s it. I have journaled out my anger earlier, over the weekend and this week–I have no more feelings left, positive or negative. I’ve shut down and compartmentalized everything about him, Clo, he and I, the three of us, the baby, the attack, his screaming fits, his degradation and disrespect, all of it–it’s like I know it happened but I don’t care anymore and I don’t think reliving it will bring me any joy, peace, hope or better love. I’m just existing when it comes to him. Just trying to get by with no more arguments.
I’m gonna tell Terri about my plan to keep this to myself before therapy if fucking Jesus Vicki gets home in enough time for me to get there and say that before he gets there.
Maybe we could just go in a room or something for like 30 seconds and I could say, “Terri, in light of what we discussed, I have examined and realized that my feelings are in shutdown mode. I do not have the desire to get out of this mode–I am willing to just exist in a neutral way with him to try and avoid arguments until I get a well-paying job and can again have some choices. Right now I don’t have any, so I’m just gonna let him lead the sessions and I will go with the flow at home bc this works with him and I am really good at doing it.”
But, of course, I don’t have to say anything to her. I can just do the plan–say as little as possible, agree when I have to, do not ask questions, do not pass go, do not collect $200, show no negative emotions and shut the fuck up! Score! Hello, dad! Hello, husband! Wait, you’re the same people! Wtf? But ok, I’ve done this before for way longer and I can keep doing it until the day comes that I’m preparing for–the day I get to have choices and freedom and decide once and for all if I want to be here and if I want Chloe to be here. End of story!
Thursday 10/5/17 Journal
“If we could just switch places, we’d understand what the problems are.”
So, I changed my mind about towing the line just to avoid arguments or his wrath–I’m going to calmly and convincingly state my case, once I figure out what that is.
I had the above thought in quotes yesterday evening after journaling about being in non-feeling mode bc this mode is very helpful for me to be able to think about the events of our marriage in a non emotional way and journal about resolving them.
Our problems really started in Vicki’s house when this house was being built–that’s when we weren’t able to get along for the first time consistently, when I decided to stop eating and went down to a 2, and when I spent Chloe’s preschool days the whole day just sleeping in a tv chair. I remember many fights and not understanding why they were happening, and again choosing to shut down to avoid them (unsuccessfully) like I had done at times in first house occasionally and w my own goddamn father.
Once we got into this house, things turned around and seemed fine for two years until I started my breakdown in July 2016. For a few months until my fibro diag in November 2016, he gave me condolences, support and seemed genuinely concerned. But between thanksgiving and Christmas, he physically attacked me! We didn’t deal with that, we didn’t discuss it. I got suicidal and stayed that way bc of the attack and what the attack brought up in my mind–my father’s sexual abuse–from December 2016 until my attempt in March 2017. I’d say I couldn’t give it a %, but the attempt was a direct result of his and my father’s actions–or, more clearly, my inability to cope with those two things.
I do not blame C for his response to my nb–except for the attack and the episode of menacing in May 2017 which he played off as an attempt to “get a kiss.” I do have feelings of disappointment and sadness at his response, however–I no longer feel grateful for him not divorcing me over my health issues (in sickness and health), nor do I feel lucky, reassured, wanted, or encouraged that things will be able to improve for the years that are to come.
These are my feelings, based on my own impressions of his words and actions since July 2016:
I feel like he is a selfish person who is only happy when I am servile and have no personal interests. I do not feel like he truly wants me to get a job because then I could take Clo and leave him. I feel taken for granted. I feel like he wants me to be a 50s wife. I don’t feel wanted sexually or that he has a true desire to spend time with me other than watching Seinfeld or Astros or getting forked up. I think he feels like I can’t leave him, so he doesn’t have to be on his best behavior, he thinks he can get away with very negative things bc Chloe is in school now and I can’t just pull up and run to Obi’s house like I did that time when she was in preschool.
I would be very happy with the following arrangement:
–we both take some kind of vow to be kind and loving and non-arguing,
–to make joint decisions (as long as I’m in normal range),
–that we have a weekend time every week (saturdays from 4-8) that Chloe goes to grama’s and we do something together at home or out–time to get to know each other again and build a new, meaningful, mutually satisfying relationship in the present while
–we commit to Wednesdays at 5 to work thru the issues of the past for the next three months.
I am actually very happy with the arrangement C and I have–I am a traditional wife who keeps house and tries to cook, I am a full-time mother, I look for work (and have found some), I find time to write and make art in my free time. This part is great with me.
The lack of intimacy or desire in our marriage is a huge problem. The arguing is a huge problem. My feeling under appreciated for my assets is a huge problem. The lack of respect he consistently displays from small things like my clothes or appearance to large things like my ability to get published or get a job, is a huge problem. I’m hoping he can clear these things up, by actions not words, in the next three months while we are committed to weekly therapy.
I’ll hit my high points of therapy–
–I’m a bad person who also has anger issues
–tit for tat, I got angry, had to do breathing
–he feels out upon bc his wife, who’s so fucking smart, can’t earn a dime and everybody he works with has more stuff than he does
–he resents (rightly so) me for the reason he doesn’t have nicer stuff
–I was dismissed several times
–he told me what I should not say
So, maybe there’s a point to his anger, after all–I am holding him back.
I want to leave so he can find a better woman to be in love with who earns a lot of $$ and can not tell his daughter that she doesn’t love her.
Friday 10/6/17 Journal
It turns out, really, that therapy was therapeutic after all–I just slept 7 hours straight and feel really calm and wonderful!
It was rough on me–I was exhausted afterwards–but I said most of the things in my journal either to just Terri or to both of them. We then had a nice evening, watching our team win in the playoffs! Talked just a little about it, but that was positive too. This seems like it will be helpful, after all…
Also, I have my first student (Victor, 5th) tonite at 6. I am so excited! I think I will bring a copy of Bad Kitty and Pusheen me since I don’t know how low his reading level is, it could spark interest and be a way for me to get a repeat performance or impress his mom. His house is far away, Google said 25 mins, but maybe it won’t be that bad of a drive. It’s a 3x a wk gig=$300!!! And this is just my first student! My hopes are high–thinking ahead to summer when I really could make $$)…
Anyway, I feel so relieved to get most of my feelings out and feel somewhat heard, basically heard.
I just talked to Anh Nugyen for like an entire hour–she has no boundaries! Victor’s school troubles are due to an unknown medical condition in his gastrointestinal–we talked endlessly about this and she has asked for my help. It is a bit much, but maybe I am his tutor for a reason and I can actually make a difference there too–who knows? I’m not gonna obsess over this–I feel exhausted after the convo. She asked me about my novel, I said as little as possible–I’m gonna say the title is what? I don’t want her googling it…I’ll just say it’s still untitled! Solution reached!
I feel she has sucked up my time and I am pretty upset about it bc I was spending time querying when I should have been doing chores, then she time sucked an hr and now I must reevaluate my schedule. I fear I will not have time to do any art today–wanted to finish the book crate or stitch a tee…
Quickly–things w me and c are really good all day, no fights, all understanding and helpful to each other…
Clo and I are still up bc I got back late from first tutoring and we decided to do some art projects. My meds aren’t making me tired yet, so I am gonna take a whole Valium in a sec and see if that does the trick bc I’ve got to get her to bed in a sec. pause
I am feeling in general hopeful, relieved, happier, more loving, more generous!
List of my issues with tonite:
-u are not being honest–you don’t trust my judgement–doesn’t trust judgement, I’m disrespectful–“if you say you’re not being disrespectful, then I believe you”
-not gotten to–you argue with me about my feelings–not said
-not gotten to–you don’t like anything I do–
-you expect the words I’m sorry to fix things
And for me to give you a pass–but you keep doing the same things constantly–this is disrespectful–“you’re disrespectful”
-not gotten to–your anger when I’m calm–
***C made me a card that had our wedding song and marriage date on it and now I feel somewhat better, although not a solution**
Monday 10/9/17 Journal
NEW FOCUS FOR INDIVIDUAL THERAPY:
Today is robin’s birthday and I am at a pretty high level of anxiety, but trying best not to think of him. Could have been bday yesterday–could never remember right day. He’s 64 and my fake shake sister Sydney is 15–if anything the same, she’s been in danger now for at least 4 years (more like 11) and it’s just gonna get worse for her until she goes to college! Not knowing the right date has made it bad yesterday and today. I can’t even think of poor Sydney, but at least when she was 3 I tried to save her thru CPS (but failed).
THERAPY TOPIC For TODAY–
ROBIN & C:
Yesterday, I was at a panic attack level for about 6 hours until I took my regular meds and some extra Valium an hour early, it took three more hours but I finally felt regular again. C was on me for two days, even making fun of me several times, and I finally told him when Astros game was on that he was really stressing me out and I couldn’t watch game with him–then he apologized and we talked and resolved some financial issues and I thought I felt better, I made my case for pandora and a credit card! Success! But still with the anxiety!
It occurs to me now it was bc it was my father’s 64th birthday mainly, making my mind go back in time, something exacerbated by my husband’s negative behavior (especially making fun/being sarcastic).
***These two men’s actions seem to be intertwined in my mind, playing off each other always, triggering each other–c triggering robin, memories of robin making me find connections with C and my stupid father.***
Why is this? I can’t seem to release my robin issues and I’m so sick of having them! I haven’t seen him in 6 years, and anyway I’m 40 fucking years old now! Enough already!
To Terri–pls let’s make this incest thing the focus until I have the tools to move on. I have done a lot of work on my own, but don’t have enough education to resolve on my own.
–C believes me, but that’s as far as his support goes–he can’t stomach the details.
–Obi either believes me or not, I don’t know–she is very unsupportive and I read this is common, especially bc she left the family right before the actual rape–she’s got her own issues. It’s kind of her fault bc she wasn’t there as a buffer like always which at least kept him at bay somewhat.
–Some of my friends know, but don’t know what to say.
I really need your help and I’m ready to work with you even if it’s really painful for me bc it’s untenable to continue this way and this is what I think my individual therapy is really meant to be for. I feel called to resolve it and move on, and I’m ready!
I’m going to keep the topic to either straight incest work or the connection between robin/chris.
I can read to you or you can read on your own the two chapters in my novel about what robin did to orient you and save us some time. I can email them to you to a secretary’s email for safety for next time. please say you’ll read them so I don’t have to repeat all the info in them bc it’s a lot…
I am ready, no matter what happens to me as a result. I think I might become a resentful, angry person, but I will do my best to stay positive. I need to do this and I need your help.
All I can do is be honest, get new tools, do the work, and try my best to stay calm, receptive and be good to C and Chloe, right?
I had a great day! I finished my last novel edit of parts 2 & 3, will make two changes and then read it through tomorrow. C was off today and we had a pretty good day w no real fights, just a little aggravation but it passed.
Therapy was very helpful. We talked about robin Tichenor and she made it seem like I am not in need of more just straight talk about him or what he did, so I agree w that assessment and I am thrilled!
I feel released from my past regarding him (and actually most things), happier than I’ve felt since I was 28 and remembered, and don’t feel a need to even say more bc there’s just nothing to say.
I told c how happy and thankful I was that he gave me a credit card and is trusting me! We had a nice convo about it!
Tuesday 10/10/17 Journal
So, I finished an entire, barely interrupted reading of Mental today, all 43 chapters of it. I made a few additions and did a bit of editing, so it’s not the final read. That will be tomorrow, hopefully without adding or making changes…I was exhausted by it but in a good, contemplative way the same way I am when I finish a book I’ve enjoyed. And I did enjoy Mental, even tho it was mine and even tho it was heavy at times.
There’s the idea that I should either add to two chapters in part three or just take them out–not sure, since the stuff I added happened yesterday and today, mostly asides, which I love to write and of which there are a ton in the book.
I’m pretty sure it’s a good novel!
I spent the rest of the day doing laundry and art projects, not able to really decide what I thought of it exactly…still thinking. Part 3 seems less polished, which it is, but part two is really what is a bit confusing. I think it needs more explanatory asides, to make it clear that she lives in her head for one reason–to not remember what her dad did.
I need to go get my lithium today–I’ve only missed one dose, but still I should get it. I just feel so exhausted by the reading that I can’t leave the house. Maybe when Clo gets home we can go together and that will make it ok…I hate to ask Christopher to get it, but I’ve been too out of it, spent, all day since and it’s not lifting…
I’ve never read a novel like this before and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I’m hoping it’s not bad. I feel kinda sick to my stomach. If it’s good, it’s really good; and if it’s bad, it’s really bad. That’s my initial thought about it.
Plot–unusual, maybe too unusual
Main Theme–that you just have to put the past in the past and figure out how to be happy bc there’s tons to be happy about no matter what kind of awful shit happened to you in the past. You gotta make peace with it, and let it go, so you can be free to feel happiness and enjoyment.
This is why I think it’s good–it flows, I think so anyway. I’m gonna skim it until bus time and then see what I think after that. I’m skimming for the main theme, seeing if it’s obvious like it should be…more later
Ok, so I just finished rereading part 3 and now I absolutely love it and the whole fucking novel!!!
I’m rereading it as a whole tomorrow, just to double check, bc I made a few additions just now and I want to ensure flow.
Also, I have decided it’s a bad idea for me to work. The stress will make me get sick again and I just can’t risk it.
I can sell stuff I make for extra cash, like painted letters and cigar boxes on nextdoor.
Hopefully c will go for this. I’m pretty sure he will.
I like this life of taking care of them, writing and trying to be published, doing art projects, keeping house and keeping to myself so I don’t get sick again ever hopefully…I’m not even supposed to work ever again, according to the fucking US govt, anyway! I need quiet time, and a lot of it, and easy, stressless tasks to keep me healthy. I need time to journal and remember to take my meds. I need it be taken care of and protected inside this house by everybody in my family, to stay at the top of my writing and mental game.
Wednesday 10/11/17 Journal
So, I’ve been productive nonstop since 2:30 am this morning. I reread and made more additions/subtractions/moved a chapter to Mental, did a lot of laundry, made some improvements to the new table in the woman cave that was originally insect art by Clo that I glued to a turq table–it totally matches now and I super love it.
But I’ve got that feeling again that I started getting yesterday–it’s not depression, it’s more like being overwhelmed when I’m not busy, plus something about being sad that I don’t really believe that Mental’s gonna get published since I can’t figure out how to describe it–after I quickly straighten upstairs, my task for the rest of the day is to pick a sample of one ch from each part, then create a better letter from that representative sample so maybe I actually have a shot.
This is so fucking hard! I am doing my best, and each version of the letter is better, but I have no real fucking guidance and I’m basically just shooting in the dark with the most precious thing I have ever made, next to Chloe.
Also, c and I talked last nite about how I am willing to tutor if they find a new student, but that I’m done for a while with the job search. I briefly just stated that I’ve just now not been sick for only two or three weeks now, that I want to enjoy it, that I need to just take care of them and the house and my writing for a while. That I wasn’t even sure if I really could go back to work anyway–but that wasn’t emphasized on purpose…I just want to relax for a while, think about it later. You know, I think he’s totally fine with it–he said we don’t need the money. I was so fucking relieved! I really just want to focus on my hubbie, my Chloe, my house, Mental, art projects–I’m pretty sure he gets this.
So, I think the overwhelming feeling is complicated–it seems like it’s three things–getting really over the robin stuff, finishing the novel and thinking it’s great and wondering if it will ever really get published since it’s about incest and mental illness, and not wanting to work and feeling pressure from myself to work. I think, too, there’s a mourning of me as a person who’s controlled by chemicals going on, and a regret of all the things I did while sick to C and even Chloe.
Also, somehow I lost my painting pants! That is mystifying!
All I’ve gotta do left today is: straighten the toys, make c’s bed/straighten room, do my writing tasks, maybe take a shower.
The weather is finally fall and since I’m outside so much, it’s just amazing! No more heat, no more humidity. It’s like a dream.
At the end of my novel, eve is so thankful for her life, maybe should be more thankful. Maybe I need to mention her attempt in the letter–I should–and the gratefulness, the earnestness, how it swells up in her after the attempt like never before. Yes–gratefulness, happiness, humor, dissociation, being a writer. Gotta mention all this stuff. More later.
So, I chose chapters 2, 12 (lifeline) and last (42) for new sample and think it’s good…but I didn’t want to start another letter yet, so I ate some green beans and then worked on these woman cave tables (one’s still not done), then got really uncomfortable, really freaked. Sold the bike for $60, might be selling a resume for $50.
A coffee shop left a msg saying I could interview tomorrow if I called back, that’s when I took a whole Valium and laid down and tried to rest but can’t even tho the valiums kicked in!!!
I dry shampooed my hair, decided no to coffee shop (today it sounds like a downer and also nervous-making), now I’m back in the cave trying to figure this out.
I feel like I just want to be left alone–no more job alerts on phone, no more texts. Let people just call. This am, c called and asked me to do two one simple thing in gmail and I couldn’t do it and I still don’t know why–I did have to restart the pc, etc, but I think it was user error.
I am so fucking out of sorts ever since Sunday, robin’s bday…I thought I was triumphant after therapy Monday, yet here I am still feeling like I did Sunday. I haven’t been taking my Valium as prescribed–maybe I should start but it doesn’t keep me asleep at nite, so I don’t take that one, and if I am just by myself during the day, I usually don’t take either. I don’t think it’s the Valium that I need–
I think it’s a real break from the job stuff and a focus on my work and art projects. That is what makes me think it was worth it, along with my family, to go thru that breakdown–it makes me feel grateful to enjoy things that matter to me and people that matter to me. Even if Mental never gets published, it is a good and unusual novel. The table I arted up today, the one with Clo’s pics, looks incredible–I think most people would like it! I’m gonna just stay awake and finish the other one once I come up with an idea…I can’t rest–it’s not that I’m manic, tho, I just have a lot of failure topics on my mind–maybe way more so than mr Tichenor.
-tutoring experience with victor
-can’t do job interviews (2 now) tomorrow
-not making $$
-feel unattractive bc of chin that won’t stop
-stressed over book log
-very afraid of writing workshop’s reaction to my piece
-very stressed about writing this submission letter, very unlike me, but I’m sick of getting rejections
-very afraid Mental is a total failure
-afraid I’m not over the whole robin Tichenor bullshit and so sick of thinking/reading about it
So, there. It’s interfering with my sleep, I think, and my lunchtime/afternoons. Everyday this week. Mental sucking or never getting published is completely overwhelming to me right now. I think I’m gonna read it again. I have time. Pause
So, I read and skimmed it all and just finished. My initial impressions the first two times were correct–I really like it. Other people seem to like it too. I am gonna just take my chances tomorrow and try to write a really kickass letter! I’m gonna do my best and just see what happens–this letter’s the whole key to getting heard and seen–I think I can do it this time, write the right kind of letter. That Valium is making me sleepy, plus not being asleep for two or three more hours. I’m definitely calm, tho, for sure. Now I’m outside waiting for Chloe to get off the bus, and I feel so reassured–I feel so over the fear and dread of rejection. All I can do is try my beds to get published, and if I never do at least I gave it my all and Mental can just be like a journal that represents a part of my life. Maybe no one needs to see it, after all. But we’ll see.
I ended up taking a nap after Clo got home. C and I think a teachers aide position, or rather I do, might be best for me to try for. But I just have this fear that I am gonna get sick if I do anything related to being in a school, and I’m unsure….don’t have to decide right this second.
Anyway, I am feeling a calm inside for the first time all week. I am so grateful for it! I feel I might be able to sleep better tonite, and longer, so I’m hoping this will be true. So far, haven’t taken a Valium again and don’t plan to. This feels pretty good, too. Although, I might just take one bc it made me sleep earlier…
Thursday 10/12/17 Journal
I just took a reviving shower after waking up at 2–got 6 hours, plus a nap yesterday, I guess that’s why I woke up so early…I was upset about this, but the shower calmed me down. Usually I don’t mind getting up so early, but today I was feeling that overwhelmed feeling, until the shower, so I’m gonna let it go.
I have to go see Arene today and I’m quite sure she’s gonna drug test me. I don’t care–I don’t think she’ll find anything…I am going to tell her that I haven’t been depressed or manic in since before the last time I saw her, a month or so?
So, this is all very rewarding and positive! The only thing is the overwhelming feeling, but that is psychological–I don’t think I’ll mention it, or maybe I should–but it has to do with deciding if I’m done dealing w robin and also w finishing the novel…I’m not sure–I guess it wouldn’t hurt to say something about these two things.
In a sec, I’m gonna start writing my new letter to agents. I found this query website, and it’s got what looks like 1000s of names–jackpot!
Time to make coffee…I think the coffeemaker is breaking, or I put it back together wrong yesterday…
So, this letter–
I know I want to mention the attempt, but really more about her gratefulness, her zen, her ability to let go of her past once she sees it–her happiness through conscious effort, her desire to become an adult at last.
Also, that she has arrested development bc of the incest, that she can’t move on and grow up until she admits to herself what happened that nite in hs, that she keeps the.m truths behind her mental illness a secret from Lilly bc it is a personal journey, a personal success story bc god knows no one is helping her!
Couples Therapy Topic, 10/12/17
How can we heal and come back together?
How do we heal?
–It seems like this is starting to happen in earnest, but just since this past Sunday, although July was about healing bc I felt ok then too–not as normal as I do now tho. I have gotten some of my adult privileges back (credit card), I am able to be a better listener now this past month, but we are only watching Astros games together and nothing else. I think the screaming matches have finally stopped, although they tend to occur on weekends, but none for a week or two. He actually said he thought I was making good financial choices and that he trusted me again.
How do we come back together again?
–I think we need to do things together again like we were during the summer when I was feeling better for midway., and like we used to before I got sick. We also need to go on “dates”, there’s my cousin’s wedding coming up next weekend, and then our 8th wedding anniversary, too, which I am trepidatious about since we haven’t had sex since August I think (hard to remember)…
–We need a date night on Saturday nights and to have sex once a week that night, that’s my proposal.
Monday 10/16/17 Journal
Part of my novel, very critical part, got erased. I couldn’t get any work done bc Clo was sleeping in living room, bc I chose for us to sleep there since the tv was broken, I am missing therapy, I have to run these errands, I have to make Clo clean up the upstairs, Vicki is expecting Clo at her house…
I am so super stressed that I took a whole Valium like 5 mins ago. I am trying to journal thru this. I screamed the f word at my daughter twice.
I skipped therapy bc I was in the middle of a freakout–c is gonna be mad bc that’s another $15 added on…I couldn’t get there in time, with what was happening and how I had allowed Clo to sleep in so long that I didn’t have enough time to feed her, get her to grama’s, drive all the way there…
Anyway, we took a break. I apologized to clo. I took an entire Valium. We ran the errands and did a good job. We found a bag of peppermints that only cost 89 cents! We came back home. I had her clean up playroom and landing, told her calmly finally that if she refused, she’d be grounded–which meant no candy or cookies of any kind for the whole week. This made her go from sitting up there for an hour to finishing in ten minutes!!! Found what worked!
Then, we did some art. Earlier in the morning, I had created a teacher’s side resume…
These things are really calmed me down. I started looking at my schedule after the great art and got super stressed again, so I solved that by taking a nap…
Now I’m sitting here while she eats dinner. Earlier, before the Valium kicked in, I turned off off the notifications on my phone and turned the ringer down really low. This will help me not get stressed, too, since it’s all fb, job crap email notifications, even texts I turned off. I’ve started leaving my phone behind around the house, too, and it’s making me feel good. Enough with the constant contact! Enough with the constant alerts from fucking CNN and this or that bullshit jobsite, etc. I’ve had enough. The only time I have my phone is in the early morning, or if I’m listening to music.
So tomorrow I must begin applying for teacher aide jobs in klein. Cleaning too, but gonna try to apply to all of them in one day. If possible, but I’ve scheduled two days for this if necessary–I don’t know how many there are gonna be.
Wednesday/Thursday is for applying for jobs in Tomball ISD. And cleaning.
Friday is basically a free day with cleaning, to make those tables or make them sooner if there aren’t that many openings. Which brings us back to Mental.
I am terrified that I can’t replace what I lost, not really…I wrote in a replacement, and it seemed pretty good, but I have a different style now so I’m not sure if it can be as good. I’m way more straightforward now–it might be too obvious. I’m gonna work with it tomorrow in the early morning. And maybe more during the day if I can squeeze it in at lunch break or something…
We think I’ve missed a few doses. Tonite I tried to take one at 630 and said out loud that I needed to and he told me to wait. Now it’s 8 and I took it a few minutes ago but can’t tell yet. We were in the bathroom and he just walked out to go to bed while not kissing goodnight or saying good nite. Now I feel all out of sorts…so I’m journaling.
It’s not good to dwell, but you can’t ignore your body either. I think these meds are gonna kick in soon, then I will be better. I really believe that. If I can just try to calm down as much as I can, then the meds will kick in soon, I’m sure of it. My chin is finally starting to look better–we think it was touching my face while smoking…that’s happened to me before, so I think that’s right. I’ve been being careful for about a week now, and it’s making a difference.
Ok. Calming down a lot now. Starting to feel sleepy. Think I took at 7:35 or so. Clo’s in my bed again–she flipped after we tried to get her to go to hers, so to make it easy I said one more nite. I’m getting used to the company, tho, and will miss her tomorrow.
Feeling pretty good now, but I am by myself. I’m sure it meant nothing what he did. Not worried about it now.
Tuesday 10/17/17 Journal
So, I had another fit of panic today and I had to take half a Valium—while it was kicking in, I half assed did today’s chores but it’s a good fake…I think it’s because I’m either off, I’m about to start period, or I am panicked about idea of going back to work.
I do not think I can work outside the house, even as a teachers aide or working really anywhere…a remote job seemed plausible bc I would have been able to take a break more easily should I need to calm down. At a place outside the home, I wouldn’t. This scares the shit out of me as I was supposed to apply for teachers aide position today and tomorrow…
I am on disability for a reason…I just got through with an 18 month long nervous breakdown. I am afraid that even applying for jobs right now is just too much.
All I want to do is keep house, love my family, work on Mental and make art projects…
There is a good possibility that bc of the hurricane, our bank will let us skip 3 mortgage payments…This would mean we could shave 5k off our debt, get it under 3k and free up some of our spendable income. This could mean that I wouldn’t have to go back to work. I am waiting for C to call me. I’m gonna call him. He didn’t answer…well, he vmailed me…
So, maybe our financial situation is about to improve. Maybe I can now explain this to him, this revelation about me not being able to work ever again unless we divorced or he died, and it would pass and not piss him off or something. Maybe he could accept it.
I just couldn’t take having to resign from a real job ever again, either. It’s better to just accept who I am, who I’ve been and will be, and just not to expect myself to be able to work again…it is sad, but the way I’ve been feeling today and yesterday—yesterday wasn’t just about the part of Mental getting erased, it was panicking about having to apply to real jobs and not thinking I could actually deal successfully with the stress of not being able to take breaks like I have to everyday.
He doesn’t know I have to take breaks everyday, that I have to stop and journal sometimes, or take a Valium, etc, or a bath or a smoke break, just to regain my composure. Dealing with the reality that we are broke, dealing with him and Chloe, dealing with me—all of that is very taxing bc I am severely bipolar and have gad.
Maybe if I explain that to him, the part about having to take breaks sometimes, maybe then he will understand. I don’t know. I’m sad about the realization, and I’m sad that I have to admit it out loud to him and get a negative reaction…I’m gonna go eat something and keep taking a break.
My fucking 5:45 entry got erased!
Gist—I calmed down w a little Valium and lots of breathing and taking rest of day off. When I started looking at tomorrow’s schedule, though, I got all upset again so I took all the apply, applies off and then felt ok again.
I got an offer to take a writing test for an email ad campaign job—that would be easy to do and I could stay at home. I’m gonna take it tomorrow in between Clo leaving and calling the Pharmacy. Maybe that’s a god thing, too.
C had a bad day and has no idea what’s going on. We just ate and are watching the game. I joked that I had a stressful day and that I’d tell him about it next week. I don’t think he got the joke.
I took my meds at 6, which is an hour early, but I don’t care. I need them now to make things even easier…
Wednesday 10/18/17 Journal
Well, I just figured out why I’ve been so stressed this week—my period! No wonder I got so freaked! I don’t know why it always slips my mind this way—every fing month, it’s a total surprise, even tho I have pmdd, and also I realized this am that the fibro is worse too! Wtf!
At least it’s not really Bipolar—that’s a huge relief!!!
I messed up the coffee for whatever reason…about to go remake.
I am still freaked, just not as much. Still gonna take it easy today, just in case,bc I don’t want to completely lose it again like I have been…
I don’t know if I even want to read my novel today…maybe take a break from that too for a bit at least. I am afraid something will go wrong or read wrong—I just don’t wanna risk having a meltdown today…but then wtf am I gonna do with all this time? I’ll read it here in a sec, I guess.
This explains why I’ve been eating so much, feeling so tired, flipped out this weekend, having a stomach again, etc.
I am relieved that it’s not really the Bipolar, although the pmdd can exacerbate it, which is I guess what’s been happening…more later…
Wednesday 10/18/17 Journal
So, today I started my period…this explains almost everything—the anger, the weight, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the back ache…I took my meds at 5:45 or 6, can’t remember, probably more like 6—but all these meds are just helping, not curing.
I feel upset that Clo is having more friends and doing things without me! She can bathe herself now, she’s usually not wetting the bed, she’s talking back—she’s growing up! The only person who’d understand this is Obi—it’ll be good conversation at the wedding—I am feeling pretty sad and lost—please god don’t let this set off another nervous fucking breakdown, please!
I know I really feel out of sorts bc I’m on my period…this isn’t a big deal. Also, c is behind at Work and isn’t even home yet! I am feeling sorry for myself, for my fibro aching pmdd back, of which I took too many pills too close together and got all wacked out and fell asleep around lunch and I’ve been dozing off all day! That just freaked me out even worse!
It’s been a shitty three days. Tomorrow am I will take a writing test instead of read my novel. I go to my fibro dr, too, at 9…I am going to do laundry and vacuum, then maybe paint those tables if my back isn’t hurting too much. That’s the plan.
There is no bank grace. We’re still fucked, which means I have to have to go to work and have to apply to be a teachers aide—there are worse jobs, tho, I’ll feel better tomorrow…I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Clo forgot to put conditioner in her hair, and I think she only washed out like half of the shampoo! I feel better—she’s not that grown up yet!
I just hope I’m up to the challenge of working outside the home if I don’t get this remote offer after taking the test. I’ve just been very emotional thinking about this, and totally overwhelmed—but that was mainly the pmdd, I think, bc things seem less scary now.
I have to call Terri back tomorrow and tell her all about my three day freakout! I also have to call the pharmacy and find out about my fucking Valium, which although now I don’t really think I’ll need as much of…but I still need it.
Thursday, 10/19/17 Journal
I figured out what’s been making me upset—it’s the thought of applying for jobs outside the home.
I’m fine the rest of the time. Once I mentally moved it/stopped it for today and tomorrow, I almost instantly felt better…
I just don’t think I can do it. I don’t want to bother trying and failing. I’m just gonna have to talk to c. It’s just the way it is. I hope he doesn’t get upset.
This means I might not find a job at all, bc they’d have to be remote, but I am dealing with that. There is a remote job that has asked me to take a test for them, and now that know it’s just the on site jobs that I can’t do, I’m gonna go back to trying to write for magazines and looking for remote work.
So, tomorrow’s new schedule is: am routine, get Taylor a wedding gift, take the test, Greg’s short story comments, magazine queries.
I am writing to say I feel better mentally and emotionally bc my period ended last nite—I triumphed at Walmart, had no anxiety!
I feel pretty ready to take that test, so I’m gonna take it here in a minute after 9 comes and I talk to heb about my meds…I don’t feel the need to take my Valium today and I’m saving it for tomorrow in case I need it at Taylor’s wedding; however, my dr is one day late in getting me my fucking Valium, so it better be ready this am so I can pick it up.
But the more important thing is I came up w a plan and am executing that plan so that in the event that she does not come thru til Monday, I will have one pill for tomorrow before the wedding should I need it.
This is the most important thing I’ve learned from a disastrous period and terrible back pain that is less but still here now—I am a great person, kind, positive, smart, beautiful. I am a good mother, a good wife, an empathetic person, a good writer. I have the stuff to triumph in any situation, good or bad. I did it twice this am—once when C got on my back and again to shop at Walmart!
C was tired, he even said so—that’s why he was not pleasant and why he jumped on me—that’s it. I am letting it go—I have let it go. I will try not to bother him at work with this password business should it become an issue, but I’m pretty sure it won’t. If it is, I’ll email him. Not gonna worry about it now…don’t know yet…
Also, gotta call Heb here in a sec. telling myself now that I’m not gonna get upset about either the Geodon or the Valium—can’t control either one getting to me, but can tell Pharmacy that there’s a problem.
I’m starting to get upset again. Maybe I should put off taking that test for Sunday am like I was thinking…yes, maybe that would ease things up a bit since I’m still dealing w a back in such pain that I can’t move around and go upstairs or vacuum. Just now putting the dishes in really bothered it. I’m gonna lay low today. Maybe I will go lay down in bed. I am having issues with just even sitting up—I will work on novel another time….I’m gonna call Heb and then go lay down.
I told Obi we’re not going to wedding due to back pain, and c got back a bit ago with my new apple computer. I was having anxiety over not going, particularly bc the resting was going so well, but c and I spoke briefly and he said I shouldn’t feel that way and I took some “extra” not really, Valium, and feel relaxed and over it.
I am smoking now, but gonna try and take a nap here in a sec while Clo is occupied. I have been up since 3 am bc of pain and just waking up, so I am feeling tired after anxiety gone. Going to do my best to remain calm, not think of anything stressful, and finish out the day. I am planning on having some wine tonite and skipping my pain pill.
I am not in pain, although period still not over. I think it’s bc I’ve done nothing but rest since 3 am and gradually it has made a difference. If the pain comes back tonite, I will take the last of the extra pills, but I’m pretty sure I won’t have to.
C went upstairs after he got home, my best possible guess is to let me rest. I, however, feel shunned bc no one is even checking on me.
So, I had a great resurrgence of pain overnite, took meds at 2, woke up at 6 bc I fell back asleep due to the 1/2 Valium. I woke up thinking I would have to overdue the pain meds today—but then realized they were mostly so bad bc it was morning time. So I rested for two hours, then felt a bit better really and have been up for an hour or so…
I have been drinking decaf so I can nap again w Valium should I need to. But, the pain is lessening, prob also due to a sneak of two muscle relaxers too…no more of that, I’ve made a firm decision to take the pills as prescribed and try to move around bc it seems to be helping maybe more than being immobilized.
So, back to the Med schedule and try to take a shower today and shave even tho it means bending—maybe that’s a good thing.
Read that some think there’s a direct correlation between period and fibro, since 90% of people are women. Seems obvious. Some websites said to take the pill, and so did dr Albuquerque—but I just read it can cause heart attacks bc I smoke. So, that’s a no go—and really, this is the only period that’s done this this badly, so I am just gonna stick with the program and work under the assumption that this is getting better bc period ended last nite. There’s always gonna be more paint in the morning and the evening—that’s just fibro.
I am realizing bc of this experience that fibro is real and can be more painful than I recognized before last week. All I can do is my best to manage it bc I can’t take the pill until I quit smoking, which I will seriously consider if this either doesn’t go away like it seems to be or comes back this way again.
On the marriage front, we had a good talk about being more attentive and loving to each other and then I’m hoping this will translate into today and this anniversary week! Our anniversary is on Tuesday and I’m just hoping I am feeling fine by Saturday when we go out to dinner at carrabbas.
But back to me—I am very proud of myself for not giving in to fear of pain and sneaking all the pills, at least I only really moved up the double pill dose from evening to am. I also haven’t overdone the Valium, either. This is a really great sign that I’m acting carefully and realize that if I overdo it somewhere, I won’t have enough somewhere else. This is mature!
Sitting here right now, upright in garage—feeling fairly pain free and so relieved! As soon as Clo wakes up, I’m gonna try and take a nice shower, then maybe do my hair later. I really need to shave my stuff, and scrub the rest of my zit remains off. Maybe I can finally get rid of them—so sick of having to cover them up…
Tuesday 10/24/17 Journal
I am feeling pretty good today. I fought back some am anxiety w deep breathing and being present in the moment, had a good interaction w hubbie re anniversary and an agreement that I need to get back on my feet before looking for work, not to be discussed again until June. My back pain is much less this am!
I can’t decide what to do today…I want to use the fabric markers on those pillows. I want to make the tables before the desk is in the room…I also want to try and clean up by vacuuming and doing floors, but I don’t think I’m ready and already said I’d try and do them tomorrow…
I think I’ll straighten up and down, rest my back, then do the art projects. I do really care about a clean home. After I pick up and make the beds, I know my back is gonna be pretty sore. I need to do some laundry too. That’s gonna be a lot of strain. Maybe laundry tomorrow when I do the floors.
So, straighten up and down. Rest. Spend rest of day doing tables first, then pillows.
Time out—just going out to smoke has caused a lot of pain. I’m just gonna have to take it hour by hour like yesterday, definitely have to clean up, not necessarily do the art. Like maybe I could do the table tops today and the two pillows, then do the tricky legs (gotta get down on the ground—ouch!) and the other two pillows tomorrow. So the new colors are lime green and purple for back porch, then I’m considering taking the fourth pillow and making it green, blue, brown for the garage chair…yes, I want to do that.
I am wondering if these markers are gonna bleed…I will just try them on one side of one, then see.
Tomorrow I could make my graphic tees, too!
I think C understands that I am feeling depressed and overwhelmed—I don’t think he’s gonna mind what I’m doing…I’m not gonna talk to him about it unless he brings it up to me. I am feeling fragile and easily upset, and need to do art to blow off some steam this week.
Once my back is better, and I’m feeling better and I have a real office, I’m gonna get back to rewriting my letter, create a new sample, and start applying to agents again…
It will be back to the regular schedule of early am writing work, pause to get everyone out of house, straightening and cleaning, more writing, break, art in the afternoons…
Problem—there’s no lime green in the marker kit! Anxiety! Maybe I do yellow and purple and pink? Purple will cover the gray, pink for the white…There are two greens, ones like a puce—maybe it will look lime green on top of the yellow? It’s worth a try. It might be close…I’m sticking with my colors—I am sick of yellow!
So, purple flower with a green outline, then pink outline, then brown for edges and brown for legs. Then glaze. I think so adorable…yellow dot centers, too.
Pillows, follow same color scheme. When I finish this smoke, I’m gonna get started on the pillows!! Excited! I’ve gotta get this stuff done today so that I can do the chair tomorrow and be ready to go with my new desk tomorrow nite…
I can’t wait to do that chair! High hopes!
The fucking phone erased my previous entry and that has happened before!
I had been saying that I was feeling anxious and depressed—I ended up taking another halfsie and feel better. My back hurts and I’m gonna rest until 1:15, then try to do the tables. House is straightened!
I am the one who controls my thoughts and somewhat my moods. I am choosing today to be happy that it’s my anniversary, happy that I have new art supplies (even tho the pillows didn’t work) and happy that I have tables to paint. So, new idea for tables is that they’re the same design, just yellow flower, outlined in blue, brown for rest of top and the legs. Shouldn’t take long. For some reason, I really want to do the back porch! Don’t know why cuz I never go out there—but weathers so nice now that I want to…
I just took a huge nap, feel rested and fantastic! Must not be having any anxiety anymore! I am ready to talk about my anniversary—
I realized today that after our discussion about me not working last nite, I do again trust him completely after hearing him tell me about my s day and how he’s gonna do a better job taking care of me than in the past, and also agreeing that I don’t have to work.
I am so happy that we made it thru my breakdown somewhat intact and are working towards closing the gap.
I really understand for the first time since my breakdown that he loves me completely bc he said so not in those words but by saying he’s in this for the long haul and that he loves me.
These things are what I’ve been waiting to hear so that I can let everything negative I’ve been holding onto go and be a new, completely devoted wife again!
So, most of today has been excellent—my back is feeling so much better, I finished the tables and the office chair, I took a nap, I took Valium at 11 and just now (2:15) tho and it was bc I feel so panicky—thinking too much about the past and the future—am unzen thing to do, it occurs to me now. Like I have learned, there’s nothing wrong in the present moment, it’s layering negative thoughts that is the problem, thoughts like what am I gonna do with myself all day if I’m not on my phone, or working? Won’t I be bored? Won’t I be sad and lonely?
These thoughts are negative. I wasn’t bored or sad or lonely today all day until I started things those thoughts. I feel fine right now, here, in the present moment. There’s no need to get worried or upset. Working is not an option right now. It’s not something I want to be an option. So, I will find ways each morning on how I want to spend my day. Cleaning, working on the book, doing art of possible, resting, journaling, probably grooming. There will be Chloe time and family time. Maybe chris time.
I am ok. I will be ok. This is a time for me to feel good, do things I enjoy and take care of my family.
So, I woke up feeling pretty low and overwhelmed. I just feel so shitty about myself, but c said I’m not a failure and we agreed I’m a good wife, mother and writer—that he said I have an important purpose…I just have to keep reminding myself and not letting myself stay down…I am a good person, whether I can work again or not—it just doesn’t really feel that way…now that I’m not manic anymore, things just don’t feel as positive, I don’t feel as able…my back hurts, but not as much again this morning as yesterday, which is good. I’m already dressed, but didn’t do my hair or anything like put the base on—I think I look good enough to go to the bus stop…and spend the day by myself.
So, this ups guy is coming to pick up the broken shitty desk and I don’t know what time—causing anxiety—I’m just gonna make myself vacuum downstairs (clean filter) right after Clo leaves and do the floors next so that I can just try and rest and not worry about when he comes. Gonna ask c if we can just move desk out onto porch so I don’t have to worry about it at all…
That’s a great idea. Then I can wait to vacuum until after I feel better (back).
It’s been a shitty day except for using the fabric markers on the porch pillows…the vacuum might be broken, the ups guy hasn’t shown up, I fucked up my new pc, I’ve been basically laying around since 10 am and Clo doesn’t come home for another hour.
I really am feeling like I don’t care about doing anything anyway, I don’t care about my appearance (and I look bad) and if the tv hadn’t broke in my room I would be laying down now…I don’t know if I should be honest about my feelings of thinking that my family would be better off without me and I should kill myself bc at least then they’d have enough money to live on.
I don’t know if I should talk about this in therapy tonite bc a I don’t want chris to hear it and b there’s nothing anybody can do. We can’t afford those head treatments unless my mom pays for them. So, there’s nothing anyone can do to help me. I either have to live with this kind of fucking failure and sadness for the things my family won’t be able to do bc of me, or I kill myself. If I attempt again and fail, chris will probably divorce me and take my daughter away. I simply cannot fail again. I will have 90 t3s tomorrow, plus an entire thing of lithium, plus almost an entire thing of geodon. I need to decide here soon before therapy if I am gonna do it or if I’m not.
Ok…hold on. Yes, I’m a failure I’m sure. Yes it is boring not working on novel and being holed up in bed for eight days, but my back is feeling better, the house looks pretty good, I have freedom to do whatever I please for eight hours a day as long as the house looks decent, there’s Chloe, there’s C. I am not going to allow myself to feel suicidal today. I just am not quite sure how to do that. By talking to myself. I can’t list my good qualities right now. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. Just bc the past two weeks have been pretty bad doesn’t mean you go and kill yourself, right? Just bc you destroyed so much in the past year doesn’t mean you do that. Just bc you feel like a burden doesn’t mean you do that. I can feel better. I have a lot to live for. And I do have my own thing—writing—even if Mental never gets published, it’s meaningful to me.
Ok. I am going to watch tv until it’s time to go wait for the bus in one hour. I’m gonna try not to think.
So, I was totally fine all day yesterday…c and I ate dinner together and watched the game until I fell asleep early…Clo had a sleepover…
Then, I woke up at 3 and was out here smoking, about to go back to bed and I was thinking about how c basically said he didn’t think I’d get published…it made me suicidal bc I don’t have anything else to do and he doesn’t think I can.
Now, at 9 am I am not feeling that way—he even admits he doesn’t know what he’s talking about…but I want it so fucking much, don’t really know why except people, including me, think it’s good, and I want it to be seen and I want to make money at it. I want to be a professional novelist!
I guess my work on it still won’t be for nothing if it’s never published…it was a work of self-discovery, at the least…I don’t even want to think about what I’ll do if I go through all the agents I can find and get rejected by all those people—I’ll just stop.
I’ll just stop and then what? I guess I’ll get a job.
I have discharge and cramps…wtf? My back feels pretty good. It is freezing outside…
Claudia hasn’t called and I’m surprised Clo isn’t ready to come home…maybe she’s upstairs? I’ll go check in a sec…
I am afraid I will try to kill myself again if I go through the whole list, wait a month, and still nothing. Would I really do that? I think I’d be suicidal, maybe, but at least feel like I had given it my best shot, right? That’s all you can do. So, I might be depressed, but I don’t think truly suicidal—like not making an attempt, or anything. I don’t think so. All you can do is your best—then at least you can say you did your best, and it’s an enjoyable ride, this attempt to get published, anyway…pause to check email—one rejection…I’m ok.
I am maybe gonna talk about this on Monday…probably should at least briefly…just in case it comes up later.
He has said before.
Sunday 10/29/17 Journal
So, I’m not feeling too great today—yesterday’s anniversary was great at times and then really bad when he called me a negative person and then later we had to rush thru the sex I had waited all day to have…
We got in another fight about something totally stupid (toilet cleaner) and he called me a negative person which caused me to get suicidal! I was actually so suicidal that I was planning to take all my meds in the middle of the night! I just can’t believe he thinks I’m a negative person! It just sends me around the bend!
But then this am before I took my meds, I was thinking that if I don’t get Teacher aide that I’m gonna be suicidal then too, but the meds helped me feel better and I am writing to figure out why these things are happening now.
I feel bereft—they both have their own things and I have nothing of my own now. Now that I’m at least taking s break from trying to get published but maybe a permanent break. I don’t even want to go to the writing group bc it just makes me feel worse that they think Mental is good too.
Maybe that’s what this is really about. It started with the back thing, now it’s the writing, then it was chris yesterday, today it’s not getting Teacher aide—this is just a Depression—that’s the real reason I’m getting suicidal.
Ok. A Depression. First you have to call it by it’s name. Maybe I should have Chris lock up my meds. Maybe I should tell him how depressed I am feeling. That’s why I stormed out of the house last nite. That’s why right now I just want to close my eyes and go back to bed. And all day.
What Can I do today? I think I’m gonna blank out to tv. I have to get the groceries, but other than that I can just rest.
I don’t think I’m gonna say anything about the depression or the meds today. Or should I? I should. Maybe I should sign up for that 9-12 class on Tuesday.
C did say that he busts his ass at work for me. That everything he does is for me. I don’t want him to feel disappointed, that he’s not good enough—and I think I’m making him feel that way. I don’t know how to stop.
I was feeling so good for like six weeks, then the past two weeks have been hell. It was my period, then the back, then finishing a novel I realized will never be published which took two weeks to realize, that’s the depression—looking out toward the future and seeing nothing going for me but more mental illness. Nothing positive for just me, unless I can become a Teacher aide. That would be a nice future—an easy job with good holidays, working with kids and teachers, having an income, still having good work hours, providing for the family. I just need something positive to do with positive outcomes. I’m going to start applying tomorrow…
And I have therapy tomorrow. This depression is manageable—it just comes and goes and I thought it was over so I got suicidal by accident last nite and this am bc I wasn’t on the watch out for it like I should have been. I’m not suicidal right now. And I have therapy tomorrow. This am was more of a hypothetical suicidal feeling, like an if I don’t get this or that thing, and I know I can’t feel that way about anything…
It’s just a very different world when you’re not manic. And I was manic for so many many months, almost a year. Maybe some of this isn’t depression, it’s realism. And some of it’s depression. I’d say I’m a 7 right now. That’s not too bad. Chloe will be up soon and we can go get the groceries. I can rest.
I’m gonna talk to c when Chloe’s not around and tell him that what he said made me realize that I’m still depressed, that I’m gonna talk to Terri about going to that class. That I’m not suicidal.
But the basics of what I should say tomorrow are that: I decided to go for t aide, c called me negative and made me realize I’m still depressed. I got suicidal this am when I realized I might not be working next semester. Does she think I should go to the class? How to stop putting a good face on things and then it going to far and I get suicidal? Why do some people get suicidal and others don’t? How to stop faking myself out and just accept like I did today that I’m depressed and deal with it?
So, tomorrow’s goals are to go to therapy. To apply for klein Teacher aide jobs. To not be suicidal.
So, I also want to talk to Terri about c saying we should just get a divorce—although I think he said that in frustration bc he thought I was overreacting but I was overreacting bc I’m depressed. I was suicidal before he said that. It just added to the mix. Why do I get suicidal really? Think it has to do with how I perceive the future, something I cannot know. Why don’t I just trust that things will work out in whatever way god or whomever sees fit? Why can’t I stay in a place of gratitude—yesterday is a great example—I was feeling gratitude for most of the day, hence no depression—then one little disagreement and my depression is suddenly in overdrive? It’s confusing and not who I think I really am or at least for sure not who I want to be…
Why do I get suicidal? Other people like me don’t. I need Terri and I to talk about that. Is it bc I can’t stand my own feelings? Is it many different reasons?
I have a really Cush life—tons of free time (too much), lovely family, loyal loving husband who busts his ass for me. I think the novel was mental illness. I think the focus on art was mental illness. I don’t want to do those things anymore. I want to work—get up and have somewhere to go, have extra $$, have something positive to do. I really hope I can get that job. I am looking forward to tomorrow when I can apply for jobs. I am barely feeling depressed now. I have worked through it. I have questions for Terri about getting suicidal and whether she also thinks I’m a negative person. I want to know how to change that. I am gonna tell Chris about this. How do you stop yourself from getting negative? Is it medical or spiritual? How can you stop from spiraling and I think I’ve made progress—I’m gonna ask chris if he thinks I’ve made progress on Thursday.
I really think a ton of it had to do with alcohol—no more alcohol for me…even on special occasions I think it’s dangerous—I mixed it with my pain meds—I think that’s what happened—a few glasses of wine maybe, but maybe it’s just a pointless endeavor all the way around. Cigs too.
Monday 10/30/17 Journal
New Idea: Gratitude Journal
Because I’m so depressed, I know I can benefit from a gratitude journal…
2 Being taken care of by C
3 living in a nice home
4 Not needing anything really
That didn’t really help. The lift I got from therapy is fading, I feel a little better than this am but not much. At least I feel a little better.
At least I feel a little better. I am gonna try and stay positive. My day wasn’t all that bad. I got some rest. Ate a good apple. Clo will be home soon. Ok—my back fucking hurts my head fucking hurts I am sick to my stomach I don’t want Clo to see me like this
I feel better than yesterday, but a 7 or 8…
I’m just gonna watch the news and rest all day like I’m in a hospital. Then maybe I will feel up to doing Halloween. I am not exactly suicidal bc I think I’m getting better quickly. I am not wanting to be around anyone so I feel relieved to know I will be alone all day until 4 when Clo comes back home.
The nite got pretty rough. I’m not sure how much sleep I actually got—I was popping up all nite, then got up around 3 I guess and went on couch where it just got worse.
I long for the days when I used to be depressed and could sleep all day…or turn off the ringer. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better…this seems to be resolving quickly.
I hate my hair. I hate growing out hair from a short haircut—it’s the worst. If I don’t want to actually do it which I don’t, then the only thing is to pull it back and it looks shitty…
I am starting to feel better than yesterday—I just handled two things well, and I still just want to lie in bed tho.
I can make a kind of ponytail, but unless it’s the length, Haircut, etc—my hair seems to be thinning…
I don’t see the point, although I’m trying, of taking a bath if I can put my hair up. It’s not like I’ve been doing anything.
I don’t think I can bathe and go to therapy tonite…I am so low that I don’t even care that I’m no longer suicidal…I think someone is banging on the door…I didn’t take the garage out and my back is killing me from being in bed…
At least I can make a ponytail for tomorrow…
Chloe tried to get out of going to school…
I’m dehydrated, but I can’t force myself to drink. I think I need to go to the hospital.
So today I am doing great mentally in terms of no depression. I have decided to take on the task of trying to clean the whole house plus do the laundry in one day, and I think it’s too much for someone who was just so depressed, but I have nothing else to do so I’m gonna try and attempt it.
I am having a lot of upper back pain and can’t decide if it’s due to stress/anxiety or fibro from being laid up in bed all week. It seems to get worse the more I lift and move.
I forgot somehow to take my Valium in the middle of the nite and couldn’t sleep. At four I took my am meds and fell back asleep until chris woke me up at 5:50…I was then eager to get up and get going, but even after having caffeine the meds are affecting me. I am really getting exasperated by my inability to sleep thru the nite and do not know how to improve it since I keep trying to take my pm meds later and still keep waking up anyway. It appears I can only get six hours of sleep no matter what I try to do—when I take my meds late, I just end up waking up around the same time anyway.
I still feel I should be spending next week applying for aide jobs, rather than doing anything else. I had a chance at another tutoring student, but there was a technical snafu and I couldn’t get the student…
I now feel the best way to spend my time would be to work. I have nothing else to do except clean house since I now believe I will never get published and feel that spending my time writing and doing art is selfish and a dead end.
Working would be good for my family bc we would have more money. Chris would be happier if I were sharing the financial burden. Chloe would be able to have better stuff and we would be able to go places and do things.
Working would be better for me bc I need to get out of the house and be around people. It would give me something more interesting to do, be in my field, and give me some spending money and something challenging to do.
I want to clean the house today to make it look presentable, to get the major stuff out of the way for next week so I can just focus on applying for aide jobs. God I hope I can get one, but there are worse things than having stress free time on your hands I think.
Things definitely seem manageable compared to how I felt yesterday am and all the days before that when I was so severely depressed.
I am not sure if the depression lifted bc my gabapentin leveled out or if it was some kind of divine intervention, but I am so extremely grateful that I am feeling better.
I am feeling sleepy and do not want to sleep. I am going to take a coffee break and then go upstairs and straighten up there in prep to vacuum upstairs.
Sunday 11/4/17 Journal
I am thrilled to report that my size two jeans are very baggy, which could mean that I’m now actually a size zero! I’m tempted to go into Walmart today when we get the groceries to try on a pair on size zero and see if they fit today—just for kicks! But I don’t think I will bc if they didn’t fit, I’d be disappointed—so I’m just gonna enjoy this and see if I can lose more weight this week, get these jeans to be falling off, then go buy some size zeros at old navy once that happens! Then stay this size forever!
I absolutely love love my new haircut! All I have to do is shape it and spray it and it looks awesome!!! If it weren’t for my zits, I’d be looking the best of my life and certainly not like a 40 year old!
I am thinking that there are many many things I am grateful for—my family, my somewhat current health (at least a huge improvement), my appearance, Chloe having friends, my super easy life, my no pressure existence…
Currently, all I am struggling with is most likely the tail end of the gabapentin withdrawal, which is making me shaky but is something I just have to deal with.
I am going to make a strong attempt to become more outward and less inward—the way I was before I got sick 7/16—when I was happy to solely focus on Christopher and Chloe to the extent that I wasn’t even registering my feelings, symptoms, or personal complaints. I should be thinking about keeping house, making dinner, and doing something nice for them—instead of my own negative mind that has been conditioned to be that way after twenty years of nervous breakdowns.
This is how I should see my life: I have a loving, supportive husband, I have a loving, successful daughter, I have a supportive and giving mother in law, I have a somewhat loving set of parents, I live in a large, lovely home, I have no pressure put on me by other people, I have few responsibilities and definitely more free time that other people. All I have to do is keep house and work to make my family happy and spend the rest of my time as I please. It is an easy, good life and I am grateful for it. I have few stressors and the only person standing in the way of my happiness is me.
Sunday 11/5/17 Journal
C got very angry today and lashed out and acted out. Then he went and got a haircut while I told v what was going on and that I was strongly considering getting a divorce bc it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, he was angry and mean, yelling and purposely hurtful. Then he says we have more $$ than he thought and that he did think I should make a quilt, that we should stay in therapy, that he was sorry.
I feel that Terri will be able to help me come to a decision. I probably would have killed myself last week had I felt comfortable leaving Chloe with him. I sort of want to call my mom and see if over thanksgiving break we can just work it out so that we stay with her, but I don’t think she’ll go for that.
He was abusive verbally and physically during my nervous breakdown. He is verbally abusive still and was from the beginning of the marriage. I can’t sleep and normally I’d be asleep now and it’s bc my eyes have been opened and I just had to write this down bc I am starting to fear for my safety.
-I am going to read this to you and I want your honest person to person opinion of whether I should try to take steps to end my marriage—
-he doesn’t like it when I share negative feelings that I’m having in general or things I’m frustrated by
-he doesn’t like it when I share negative feelings I have as a result of something he said or did
-it’s almost like it is only ok to say anything if it’s either a general positive comment or a positive comment/compliment to him
-he throws temper tantrums and then gets mad at me for internalizing them
-yesterday’s temper tantrum resulted in him flying all over the downstairs like a balloon screaming nonsense and him saying he didn’t think Therapy was a good use of $$
-this caused me great upset and seriously considering divorce. After cooling down, he recanted and apologized and I’m just supposed to be the happy housewife and forget it, which I tried to
-couldn’t sleep until midnite—I am coming to the realization that this anger really has been and will be a part of this marriage—he doesn’t seem able to change it, if he’s even trying
-this am, he flew off the handle about something small and ruined my morning as he does every morning—I can’t sleep thru him coming into the bedroom to avoid these negative mornings
-I believe he is exacerbating my Mental Illness with his negative stuff—it throws me off
-no matter how hard I try, we cannot get along
-yesterday, he stopped a positive punishment activity I was doing with Clo and gave her a timeout, then we both “agreed” to ground her for the first time—if I tried now to go back and discuss this with him it would cause an enormous fight
-I’m sick of making concessions and “understanding” him and “explaining myself”
-I am not getting anything out of this marriage except room and board
-he “realized” we had more $$ than he thought after he spent several months rationing our food and telling me I couldn’t spend money on even a happy meal, causing me great distress and giving me great anxiety
-he doesn’t like the things I say or do
-talking doesn’t work with him—you either act and say the way he says to, or there’s an enormous negative reaction
-you cannot bring anything to his attention unless you want a huge ration of shit
-he gives me such grief for everything I buy, telling me I’m selfish for buying a ten dollar pair of pants even though they weren’t an extra expense, but part of a refund that I scraped together
-he is rigid, I am more flexible—should I go back to the way I was before I had a reawakening after my attempt when I never asserted myself in order to keep the peace, or finally admit that he is (for who cares why) a physically and verbally abusive man who is incredibly controlling of all aspects of our lives (including my personality, words and behaviors) and quietly try to make plans to take Chloe and leave the marriage? Is it time? It’s been ten years, eight years of at least consistent verbal abuse and control, to the point that I have to do everything he says for me to do or not do or there is hell to pay—down to my skin care and haircare
-even he said that he couldn’t think of anything to write down for homework for nice things he wanted me to do after sitting there thinking for an entire hour bc he said I already did everything
-I’m sick of doing this the right way and getting shit for it
-he is impossible to talk to and I’m not willing to try again bc I know what the result will be—he’ll make me feel awful
-every time I bring something up, he will say that it’s in my head like he did this am and that’s why I’m beginning to think I need to get away from him so that I can at least only have to deal with my own negative thoughts and behaviors and not him piling it on by telling me my problems with him are somehow my fault
-I feel I’ve been backed into a corner here—if I had a way to support myself, I would leave today, just go rent an apartment and pack Chloe and me up and leave—honestly
-I can no longer buy into this image of me that he has been trying to get me to believe for all these years—it’s me in the mind of an abusive man and I’m not sure who I am anymore
-the only way I can get away from him is with Obi’s money and I’m afraid to ask for it—do you think it’s reached a point after the past year for me to ask her for it? I really do not think I can work
-I am afraid to leave him—he attacked me that time bc he didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t trying to force cold medicine down Chloe’s throat—he can be menacing, he gets in my face, those things happen when we have a simple disagreement or he doesn’t get his way
-I have enough problems staying stable without the person I love and trust the most in the world abusing me and trying to make it my fault that I’m being abused
-I am already planning on not eating until i feel less stressed, which is unhealthy, but an effective coping skill for me
Terri agrees that C is an abuser.
I feel trapped here—must stay for Chloe.
The only way I can get $$ is to pawn my wedding ring somewhere in the diamond district. That would buy us some time but not really bc it would be temporary…
Basically, I have a mental illness that makes it impossible to hold down a job, so I have to stay here and continue to be abused for Chloe’s sake.
Want to stay in bed
Suicidal, exhausted, sick of this process
Want ect in hospital setting starting this week, if possible—bc it’s faster and more established
Been sick for 1 1/2 year now, since 7/16
Meds not enough
Sick of being me
Just lay in bed all day for a week, now in silence
Can’t enjoy my Hubbie and my Chloe
Sick of being in pain and causing pain
Sick of causing frustration and angst
I love them, but I can’t feel it
So, I have really been feeling great 90% of the time since starting ect, however I managed to completely destroy last nite’s good family evening by drinking and taking muscle relaxers (6).
Everything seemed like it was going great, until I guess I had too much to drink and was tired and suddenly before I knew it I was (from what I can remember) yelling at c for ignoring me and we were then quickly saying some pretty hateful things including divorce, he said I was a disaster (remember that very clearly) which made me really lose it and all this in front of our Chloe, I said a few choice things like I wanted him to raise her alone so I could go live in Tomball pines, etc and I felt dead serious about it and left the room in disgust and he ended up prostrating himself basically and we made up. It was toxic and he told me it was all my fault—I agree this am that it was prob 90% me.
I just can’t drink anymore. 90% of evening was really fun for me—we were all together, I was singing to my iheartradio songs, Chloe was being sweet and having fun and so were we. He even agreed to go to xmas festival instead of Texans game, so I am almost at a loss to explain my behavior—I felt ignored, I think, like he wasn’t paying attention to me after five solid hours of video games, he wasn’t holding a convo I guess, he in general seems pretty much like he takes me for granted and doesn’t seem interested in anything other than video games really, even tho I am doing what he asked and sitting in the office with him while he plays!
I really agree that drinking can be a disastrous activity for me if I perceive anything negative is going on.
I cannot believe that I said all of those completely psychotic things in front of my fucking daughter! I may have really fucked her up I fear. What the f is wrong with me? I can’t believe I drank—I know better! I was just trying to have a little fun, which I guess I won’t be doing again! I really have a fucking problem getting along with my husband and it seems this am that this is 90% of my fault—I am most certainly an immature drama queen with some kind of drinking allergy who is overly dramatic and lashing out at the two people she loves the most just bc her inner world is a fucking disaster area and she has forgotten how to think and feel in a normal way! The ect May be working, but I have to relearn how to think and feel normally somehow and I don’t know how to do that really except by going to therapy which I don’t want to do bc I don’t trust Terri and I don’t want to take the chance of trusting a stranger with my mind!
Fuck this life! Everything is so goddamned difficult to manage and I’m still so exhausted but now it’s bc of my own stupid behavior and words! He put my desk together, took me to Heb, we spent the whole day together, he handled most of Clo’s bad behavior, he was fairly sweet and positive—then I fucked up! I wouldn’t be surprised if he did kick me out like he said he was going to—I seem to be broken still, even tho I am feeling so much better (when not drinking that is).
I do not think I can trust a therapist with my mind but fear I must in order to achieve true health.
I just want to give thorough apologies to them both and then be left alone to think while they go to the xmas fest with Vic. I am pretty ashamed and embarrassed and don’t trust myself to say and behave properly around my own fucking daughter to go to the festival!
I feel stable now but fear it will be all too temporary and yet again I will be plunged and then pull my family down into the mire of Mental disease. I guess I really am a disaster like Chris said and the reality of this is so crushing that I fear it will never change, the episodes will never lift or stop, and they will be forced to move on without me and I really will end up in Tomball pines someday soon.
It’s like that movie line, there should be orange cones all around me! I don’t deserve to live with these beautiful, amazing creatures anymore, that’s really how I feel! If I lived by myself, at least I couldn’t hurt them with all of my copious bullshit! I can’t be normal! I can’t figure out how to be a good and decent person, much less a good and decent mother and wife! I can’t even keep this house clean bc I don’t see the point when the effort I do put into it is so quickly undermined! I’ve yelled at Clo too much and turned her into a ruined, mouthy brat! I’ve yelled at c too much, spoiling him against me so that he yells divorce every time I do something negative! This family is toxic and it’s solely my goddamned fucking fault and I can’t fix it and it is just completely ruined and I really marvel at myself ten years ago for thinking I could create a happy family life with a broken mind!
I am coming to realize that I am not capable of achieving a good and decent life with a broken mind. There aren’t enough ect treatments in the world to fix me, and medication for twenty years didn’t help all that much either. I am a life failure and a failure at being a good and decent wife and mother. I am so mired down in my own broken disaster of an inner life that I really have little if nothing to give to enhance anybody else’s life, much less the two lives I love the most. I have soured then against me already or will eventually bc after all of everybody’s efforts, I go and get too drunk and stupid and my husband now wants a divorce bc I’ve turned this house into a toxic bath after being so sick for two solid years.
Chris, I want to leave you and Chloe to be happy without me constantly bringing you down with my broken mind and lashing out and being in general negative and ridiculous and ungrateful. Let me live alone so I don’t have the constant grief of realizing I am making you both very unhappy and cannot contribute anything, not one, positive thing to your lives. I am going to continue to be a broken person bc I am out of solutions, truly. Let me go be by myself so that at least I will not be able to hurt you guys anymore or continue to detract from your wellbeing.
You were more right than you probably knew when you called me a disaster. I am sick of trying my best, and constantly failing, at doing what is best for you two. The damage I have caused by being sick for two years can not be undone. You both deserve a healthy, grateful woman in your lives and the best thing I can do for you both at this point is to leave you to find one.
I am miserable these past two days and must try to work it out before chris comes home soon bc distracting myself didn’t work.
My mother has abandoned me. I will soon have no retirement fund. I feel depressed. I have had constant diarrhea and now hemmoroids and still was too afraid to go to the dr today so I postponed the appt. I sent C two emails that were important to respond to and he didn’t.
I have been in bed all fucking day and done absolutely nothing productive. I can barely function. I want to stay in bed for the rest of the day bc I don’t see how I can function once they get home. I can’t even bring myself to take a bath or shower.
I fear I am so depressed that I am getting suicidal. I think I should call ect and see if I can get in this Friday, but really this is situational so it probably won’t help. But if I don’t, I will have to get thru Xmas this way if I can’t work myself out of it and in general I’m so fucking sick to death of not feeling well that I just fucking give up.
That’s it. That didn’t even help—it just clarified what I was afraid of. I can barely force myself to groom these days. I’m getting fat, too, all the sudden.
The only thing that’s keeping me from balling my eyes out is tv.
I don’t know how to play it when c comes home today. Part of me thinks fake it; part of me thinks act natural. He’s not gonna want to talk about any of this stuff and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to isolate, but I don’t want him to just go up to the office either. He’s not gonna want to talk about anything serious. I don’t even want to be around Chloe, eat dinner or put her to bed. I need to take a fucking shower. I’m tired—maybe I can sneak in a nap before they get here.
My Suicide Note (Early 11/17:
I am tired of stressing out, confusing and disappointing my family, the two people I love most.
I am tired of being sick.
Everyone will be better off if I succeed. I pray I do succeed this time, and have tried another way to kill myself that will hopefully prove lethal.
Thank you, my family, for bringing me as much joy and happiness as I am sometimes able to feel. I have loved you deeply and will see you again someday.
Find a replacement woman that is not mentally ill, able to make a good living, and good and kind. She will comfort you should you ever miss me, although I wish you wouldn’t because I am acutely aware I was a great disappointment.
I am sorry to have let you down in this horrible way.
Love, your wife and mother
C thinks my novel is painful and boring, Clo came home from sleepover sick and I fear she’ll be home instead of school tomorrow, and I’m exhausted and feeling kinda depressed since c and I got into a fight this am and were throwing “divorce” around (him) over my fucking novel! Also, I made four new pages/posts but got practically zero audience and that’s adding to my exhaustion, too.
I have a bunch of cleaning to do tomorrow. I want to force myself to go on a bike ride too as the weather will be fairly nice. I also want to dye my hair and take a shower.
I really feel dissatisfied with things and am sick of feeling this way. I was thinking I’d apply for a bunch of full time jobs this week and until the 23rd when I apply for subbing, and I applied to 75 jobs today but then lost my drive altogether and can’t get it back.
C is once again up in the office playing vids. I am so sick to death of it. I’m sick to death of watching tv, too, but don’t have the energy to go for a ride and couldn’t anyway bc Clo’s sick on the couch.
I think I’ve gained ten lbs over this break! I have a gut and hips again, but still decided to eat pancakes today like an idiot.
I can’t decide if I’m feeling this way bc of period, bc of chris and Chloe, or bc I’m depressed! It’s too hard to figure out. I’m just gonna pop a Valium and try to take a nap.
I rested for thirty minutes, then the bed frame alarm went off and they’re coming earlier than expected, and Chloe needed comfort and water. Now c is moving bed frame into garage and I’m smoking. I think I’m feeling a little better, but just a little. It will be good to make some $$ for this family, even tho I still think I should be able to spend it on clothes!
Too bad I took my makeup off—not putting it on again! It doesn’t really matter what I look like to make this sale, really, anyway.
I think I’m gonna only make garlic noodles (w asparagus for me) if Clo is gonna eat dinner, otherwise I’m gonna actually skip tonite. We just put a bucket in front of her on the couch—it’s 2:00—I’m prob skipping dinner tonite or at least just having soup.
I’m in the living room w Clo now and feeling more positive. We just made the $275
Bed frame sale!!! I immediately gave the $$ to c, haha!
Today ended up not being a school day, and I spent a combined 10 hrs trying to make $$ w surveys/etc to no avail—depression came back hard.
I’ve decided to take liberal amts of certain meds, inform c of my state of mind and plans to take day off, let Clo have free reign upstairs, and stay in bed watching tv and napping. I’m not cooking dinner, but did just have a large snack and took some more t3 and muscle relaxers (starting to feel it).
I figure taking day off and taking pills better option than sending Clo to Vicki’s and trying to off myself. My thinking is blurring—just what I wanted!
I have quite a todo list for tomorrow mapped out and feel that it should be easy to accomplish then if I can beg off today.
I am going to be completely honest with the ect nurses and dr Lucas on Wednesday and see what they suggest. The reason I’ve taken the extra drugs is bc I can’t see a solution.
It turned out to be good that those parts were erased bc they were depressed and negative.
My mood turned around two hours ago or thereabouts.
I feel like I have indigestion, but other than that I’m fine!
It’s almost time to get Clo ready for bed. We had papa johns for dinner and it was good. C and I had positive interactions this evening too.
I managed to have positive interactions with Clo all day, even when depressed! It was challenging, but I managed.
I have a full day tomorrow and looking forward to it.
*More Journal to follow! Stay tuned!*