My Bipolar Journal, Part One: 2/17-7/17

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My last nervous breakdown began in winter 2013, but I didn’t start keeping a consistent journal until the winter of 2017. So, as this breakdown is currently subsiding due to TMS treatments, you will be able to chart its ups and downs until the present time.

Yes, that’s right–this particular nervous breakdown has spanned the past five years, for half of my marriage and since my daughter was a toddler!

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My journal details my honest feelings about my treatment plans, meds and doctors, as well as recounts my daily (disrupted) routines in sleep, eating and interacting with my family. (I do not work outside the home–I am on disability for Bipolar I and Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I make lists of goals frequently at the beginning of entries. The journal also details my planning and execution of creative writing and visual art goals, my family dynamics (both inner and outer family units), as well as the aftermath of my (hopefully) last very serious suicide attempt.

img_5360Some entries are notes to my doctor, some letters to family members (that they’ve never seen until now). Although I am a natural exhibitionist, there are some entries I’ve held back or edited because they are too personal or raw for me to feel able to share, hence the gaps you’ll find; but, rest assured, dear friends, there is plenty of the juicy to knaw on for the average reader. This is definitely a leap of faith for me and I hope you get something very positive out of this airing of my dirty (and sometimes clean) laundry.

The journal begins in earnest three months after my last suicide attempt (2/2017) and runs to present day (7/2018).

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The real names of everyone involved have either been changed or reduced to first initials. The main players in this tale are me (referred to as “I”), “c (my husband)”, “clo (my daughter)”, obi (“my mother”) and “v (my mother-in-law).”

WINTER/SPRING 2017

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2/21/17

Can’t sleep, been issue for 8 months now. Note to doctor: can I have Restoril, try buster instead of Valium and (if not) I need more Valium. Can we raise Gabapentin and Cymbalta? Try Estazolam or Lunesta?

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4/17/17

Note to doctor: Seroquel to stop mania? ECT to stop mania? What can just stop this mania? Can I take Prevagen? Should I take Omega-3s and how many a day? I really don’t think this is an emotional problem….Can I have something mild for anxiety? Am I bipolar because I went two years without eating any fat in high school while I was still developing–is there any research on not giving yourself fat in your diet causing bipolar?

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4/20/17

I am so beside myself over the realization I’ve had that I truly am a terrible mother, just like my husband told me. I have underserved my own child and failed to teach her right from wrong and I don’t want to change my parenting approach because that would not be natural, and I’m so bipolar that I can’t trust myself to change and I really feel suicidal and I want to stab myself in the neck with one of the strongest kitchen knives in the drawer because I have failed in the biggest way you can fail and I don’t know what to do until Monday when I can get some help with my approach to life. It is completely wrong. You can’t keep your kid home from kindergarten just because you feel sick!

I am so chemically fuked that I can’t even trust myself to send her to her room for her consequence for lying to me again without fuking up this whole operation. I don’t even was to chance talking with her at all, and my husband can’t get home in time to prevent me from making a huge mistake.

I don’t think I am strong enough to wait until Monday to get an hour’s worth of (therapy) help–one hour can’t fix what I’ve done or what’s wrong with me. Maybe I should talk to a friend and tell him these things so I won’t actually stab myself in the jugular vein and die and go to hell. Pausing to call a friend.

He wants to be helpful but what can you say to someone who isn’t capable of supporting herself and her child, and when these situations occur all at once: I have a daughter who doesn’t understand that lying is wrong, a mother who has abandoned me because I posted about being bipolar on Facebook and I’m not gonna wait another 20 years for her to die before I publish novels about my life that she’s in, I have a husband who is right about me being a terrible mother, I’m manic and my psychiatrist said I can’t overcome it with willpower, and the shot she gave me didn’t work and made me feel worse!

I have been putting forth so much effort in the last nine months to overcome being bipolar, but I realized this week in my doctor’s office that that isn’t something any person can overcome!

All my efforts to become a better, healthier, more authentic person don’t really matter–and I just think that if I cannot truly get the illness under control, which it’s obvious I can’t, then I really don’t have choices and I really can’t improve my situation and I have nowhere to go and nothing to accomplish.

The majority opinion in regards to my creative writing is that it’s good writing, people who read it like it, but I don’t have to be alive to see these novels get published, so I really don’t have anything to do here anymore. I don’t care about sharing my loser life and my loser self.

My writing reveals how hard I am trying to be something other that what I really am–someone with mental detriment who has made bad decisions that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

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4/23/17

This Seroquel, even tho I have cut dose in half, creates in me a chemically induced panic feeling.

Luckily, I stopped that yeast infection. My arms are still quite shaky and it’s hard to hold things and type.

I can’t believe I agreed to take such a super high dose! I don’t feel manic today and c didn’t think I was manic last nite, we agreed to cut dose starting this am.

I am still having a ton of difficulty behaving towards clo the way I did before Thursday. C is still undermining my attempts at discipline, and I got so frustrated by both of them last nite that I went to bed early after telling them point blank what the apology sd look like in the am. Clo just told me she knows she has to apologize and I gave her some topics to apologize for, but she stopped listening to me so who knows when she can actually do it. I sd go up there and throw that fucking iPad away bc that’s the reason I can’t hold her attention! C is gonna get a rude awakening on Tuesday in couples therapy bc I’m gonna lead off w topic why he’s undermining my authority at every turn and making things worse by continually showing how little he respects me, which makes closest not respect me and then we’re bickering in front of her over and over, and he doesn’t even follow thru with her when he’s in charge of discipline! Surely he doesn’t behave this way at work!

I just sent a text to my hospital friends regarding my situation w him bc I need some support since I will have zero support for leaving from my family since my mom has abandoned me. I also explained the only way out for me is to have income first with my writing.

Tre stopped talking to me and I think he’s jealous of the way I’m identifying problems and working toward solutions. This is the way I operate and also what I write about. I think I’m doing a really good job staying on track when c is holding up smoke screens and Obi is shunning me. I’m gonna check my texts to see if she’s reading them…

Nope, hasn’t read them. Apparently she deposited maid $$ in c’s acct and said some kind of lame excuse for ignoring me–the excuse was basically that she knows I’m working thru things. Wtf? That makes no sense and I’m pretty sure she figured that out by spying on me on Facebook again! I swear to god that when she calls or texts I’m gonna have a ton of questions–I’m too mad to have them ready to write down.

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4/26/17

I want to quit and just admit that I can’t handle my life and bipolar at the same time. I really and truly think that I am gonna be a wreck for the rest of my life and if killing myself will wreck Chloe’s life than the next best thing is to let them be and for me to move to Tomball Pines (a group home for the mentally ill) and just be alone.

I am sick to death of medications, doctors, therapists, being unstable and trying to pretend that I’m not. I have wrecked everything with my mania. I can’t be trusted to be in an relationships of any kind. I am forty years old and I can’t be trusted with my child, with money, with any kind of responsibilities whatsoever!

Tonite after Clo goes to bed I’m gonna tell C all of this. It is just a stupid idea for me to have a family and put my husband thru endless bullshit and suffering just because my brain is fuked and there probably isn’t a medication invented that can solve the riddle of my brain!

Clo is too young now but I don’t want her to come to the realization that her mother is fuked and that she needs to remove herself like I’ve separated myself from my father.

The most peaceful solution is just to remove myself from this situation so that she can go on in her development instead of me wrongly influence her with my warped brain. Just writing about this is calming me down. C deserves a real wife who can help him financially and emotionally–he’s doing drugs and drinking because I’m stressing him out and he really does want to separate, but he’s not ready yet. I don’t need all this stuff and I actually feel suffocated with his caretaking.

I’ve come to the realization today that my life is veering towards being alone. People will say that I’m acting destructively but it’s a move to allow my family to heal and be healthy without me. I am gonna tell C he can let me go now and that we should separate. I don’t have a job, so I can come to the house and get her ready in the mornings and be here after school until c comes home.

I just need a small apartment and my writing and my editing. Then I can be a happy person who spends good times with her daughter and stops killing her husband emotionally. He’s not handling this well, he wants a break and i can give him what he needs by leaving because the person he married will never be the person I am today and this person just wants to give him a break and a separation bc I am not fixable and this will get ugly and it already is ugly and I don’t want to fight anymore, I just want some peace for all three of us.

C, I want u to be happy and peaceful like you used to be and the reason ur not is me. I can’t be a wife anymore. I can’t keep the house and fix the meals and help you succeed. I have nothing left to give you but a separation. I will be there for clo all the time, we just won’t live in the same place. I knew all of this 6 wks ago, it’s why I tried to kill myself. I can’t erase myself but I can give up and realize I’m not meant for this life we are living and you are and Clo is. Please let’s just stop all of this so I can also have a bit of peace in knowing I gave you and Clo up so that you could be happier.

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4/27/17

–Wednesday and today, 7 hrs sleep. I feel normal except for a medicine ringing in ears akin to when manic and have taken all those meds. I woke up and fell back to sleep three times. This is exactly how I’ve woken up yesterday, and I basically feel the same with the more normal feeling and the ear ringing.
–My bones or muscles hurt and I feel like I’m about to have a period. This would mean I’m at least a week early. I read that Seroquel can mess with ur cycle. I took an aleve upon waking.
–woke up early but got 7 hrs, same as yesterday
–very vivid dreams, thought dreams all nite were real until I woke up three times then got up thinking I had overslept.
–last nite, I was able to shut my mouth. I was not hungry, forced myself to eat and everything tasted like poison.
–after research yesterday, I thought I was experiencing the manic hangover.
–when I started journaling, I thought I it was the start of depression, but there is a reality to it that feels like manic hangover.
–my body hurts and my head hurts.
–I am afraid I am in a mixed episode. I think I’m about to get depressed, and if yesterday’s journaling means anything, I’m depressed.
–today and yesterday, metallic taste in mouth, due to Seroquel, Abilify and geodon.
–weight gain from Seroquel and Abilify
–as of 3:18am, I feel more depressed than manic
–yesterday, I truly thought I sd get a divorce and grant my husband custody and I’m not sure if this is part of manic hangover or the beginning of depression
–I do feel quiet
–I feel a lot of apprehension about the next session of couples therapy
–I am upset that my clothes are tight and my brand new clothes are tight too
–it feels like torture to have to continue taking meds when I am having severe side effects, but I know I have to keep taking them
–it is clear to me now that I was depressed the week preceding my suicide attempt and that I was yoyoing for the prior 8 months
–post suicide attempt, I woke up in hospital feeling free from yo-yoing until I got home and felt oppressively depressed
–I was depressed during outpatient
–my mother told me to fill up my schedule. I am have not been healthy enough to volunteer at library for both physical, mental and family reasons. Yesterday I quit and felt a lot of negative feelings, so I spent majority of day applying for part time work

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SUMMER 2017

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6/27/17

I just showed Clo how to pick up and organize and she liked it and felt good afterward, then I gave her a treat! I told her she was sleeping in her room tonite and she barely complained! It’s noon, and I’ve checked everything chorish off my list for the day! My fibro is acting up, but other than that I’ve been feeling positive and calm today since 6 am! I think we’re gonna go to the art room in a bit and do some painting!

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State of me 6/27/17

I have been up since 2, getting almost 6. Clo was up watching iPad when I woke up, we had a row and she eventually went to sleep. I felt very out of sorts again today after that. I told c about it and he blew me off. I proceeded to have a silent meltdown and couldn’t get in agreement with him. I went to smoke knowing he’d be gone when I was done. I feel artificial and unable to be that kind or loving toward him. He reacted negatively to my landing a baseball/astros part time writing gig, throwing me into an immediate and silent tailspin that resulted in me reading back articles on the team and also trying to memorize stat technology in the middle of the nite!

I have already accomplished a lot of reading and also applied to five more writing jobs this am. I am about to clean up all rooms except the kitchen and living room bc Clo is still sleeping. I have lost a bit of weight already after one real day of trying bc I have pooped like 5 times in one day, and we r supposed to go swimming at the y today w Vicki…hopefully my suit will fit better today. I’m gonna wait to poop one more time, then try the suit on again. I really want to stay behind and have some me time, but I am getting that now so I think I sd go.

I took an extra Geodon at 530 and it seems to be helping. I really have to make sure I remember breathing exercises when I get overwhelmed–c thinks I am cycling, I think it could possible be cycling plus pmdd–I have been feeling intermittently so overwhelmed that I think of suicide. I am feeling afraid I can’t write about baseball, but also hopeful that I have time to get ready for my sample pieces, to practice them, and to read about the ‘Stros and also the sport before I have to turn something in.

It is easier for me to feel like I can manage everything when it is just me and Chloe. I am feeling like this marriage is impossible–we can’t agree on anything it seems and have very different ways of managing Chloe. I could barely stand to be around him this morning after he blew off the iPad situation, I can’t take anymore negatives from him it seems, and I recoil in horror when we disagree and I feel stiff and confused around him since Saturday or around there. I feel like everything I do, he decides is bc I’m bipolar–I want to be me, not me with bipolar, and I don’t want to say or do anything anymore lest it be deemed a bipolar behavior, whatever that is…pause to clean up

Honestly, I feel nothing when it comes to him, or that I am in disagreement with him, or that (and I do) constantly apologize when we aren’t in agreement.

Almost everything is done that I can do in terms of cleaning before she wakes up. I am taking a break from some quick painting and then it’s back to job search. I feel very calm. I don’t know if it’s bc I’m not disagreeing with him, or the geodon, or the satisfaction of finishing a bunch of tasks so early in the day, but I feel better.

I started and almost sent obi an email updating her on the only wish I’ve had consistently for months now–if things don’t improve by the 4th, I want to move out. Wait. I can’t afford that. He should move out. It’s the only wish that brings me some calm. I feel like I’ve been power played since I stayed after he bruised me up, 7 months ago, it has been false since then really, he should just leave–he can’t fix it, I can’t fix it, we both know this, it’s enough already. I have anxiety over this Thursday’s talk–don’t feel I can be honest about my needs and wants, it’s his ballgame now and I am so tired of his rejections that I have no play left to make, I am holding a bunch of nothing, it’s like we’re casual friends that can’t agree on what movie to see at best.

It’s downhill from here, I think–yesterday I felt heartbroken, today I feel absolutely nothing positive about him. I felt tense and awkward in the kitchen this morning. I had to use my debit card to buy cigs yesterday, but forgot to tell him–I will hear about this later. I don’t care. I refuse to lose all access to my own goddamn govt check–I’ve never had access to any of it. I don’t care either way–I don’t care about anything and wonder if that’s a defense mechanism or what? Pause to finish painting…

…waiting for owl to dry…just read there’s no legal separation in tx–it’s marriage or divorce! That’s probably more to the point anyway, why live in an in between? I should ask Marcy about her divorces, and whether she is looking or happy to be on her own–she works incredibly hard tho…I have nothing except future earnings and a child to feel burdened with raising mostly alone. Both of our moms are against divorce, both have told me that basically I couldn’t raise her by myself. I agree on that front–and I’m not looking to fail her completely bc my illness is too chaotic for me to be able to focus on her. I usually don’t get much out of doing this mostly on my own now anyway–she’s clingy and whiny and the best thing she’s got going for her is her intelligence.

I’m sick of feeling like her inabilities are my fault, although that’s coming from C.

My idea of near happiness is moving out, on my own, in a studio apartment. I have no idea how to make this a reality. I have no $$ unless we sell this house–that will take months and I just want to go now if Thursday (therapy) goes poorly–can’t see that it won’t bc I can’t express myself and stay in this house. He threatened as much–my impression from the Sunday row was that if I complain again, I have to leave. I almost want to. Pause to text Marcy…

…Clo has been up, I’ve finished my reading and most picking up. I think I am going to stop voicing my opinions–I will just listen. Either situation, whether me moving out or us staying together, seems impossible. So, I am not the one who can choose–god is–so after I listen to what c has to say, I will know better what I want. I have been thinking that I am not in control of the ship–god and c are. I don’t really want either one, but I will make due with either one. They both seem equal. I am at peace with this decision. I will not do anything for either one. Just go with it.

So now it is 2 and maybe the closer we get to 5 is me getting more and more dreadful…I just finished the owl table, so maybe that’s why I feel down–but usually I feel up? I have to try and figure out how to change the contract to write on. I really don’t want to share space with him–he’s angry and mean. I am sick of pointing out good things for him to like–he never notices them on his own. It really does appear that he’s controlling and abusive–maybe that’s his way of getting me to leave. I tried the sweet, loving seductress–that was an epic fail.

I’m sure he’s tried things and failed too, but even with Clo it’s like I’ve already checked out! I keep reminding myself that I’ll be fine either way, but I just feel like all my effort has gone to waste and all I was doing from Thursday-Sunday was being honest, until he told me to get out. I can’t undo that either–can’t pretend that he didn’t say that. When I said it, it was bc of him hurting me. He did hurt Clo bc he was angry and frustrated with me. I am so fuking sick of his temper.

I am honestly so hurt that he said that. That must be the reason that I have been feeling anxious and awkward around him–of course! I can’t believe it took all this journaling to figure that out! Here I am, exciting new job, really into it, he splits that all up bc I let him I guess, he just doesn’t want me to have anything of my own! He wants to be in control of everything I do! Yes!

What the fuk am I gonna say on Thursday? Nothing. I am just gonna listen and hopefully not be totally horrified! Maybe we should move it up to tomorrow, bc I can’t deal with the stress of waiting. I really can’t believe anything he says. I want to just get it over with. I will wait. There are tons of things I can do to until then. Hopefully.

I am about to read the baseball stuff for the third time. Need to practice my stat tech too. I will just focus on the positive–my job and him not yelling at me this morning. Pause
Clo just got her first kind of injury, and I handled it well and she feels great and just fell asleep–she said don’t tell daddy–and I won’t. I feel reconnected to her today–teaching her how to clean and organize, being there when she needed me. I take back everything I said about not wanting her to be with me–I’d be missing out on the life I created! I need to stay with c bc she needs a dad too! I’m just going to be casual and light–that’s prob the trick. Not scary me or freaked out me–just the way I acted so long ago that made him love me then. Joking me and blaise me.

I just reread all the baseball stuff for the fourth time. I think I am really a hands on learner–I think I’ve just got to write some, pick the best when I wake up in the middle of the night, send four. Pause to reread his email.

…it is 730 pm. I am waiting for games to end.  C actually said, after mishearing me, that I would never be a writer for rotowire bc…I asked later, was he kidding? He went on and on, but essentially he wasn’t. I started praying when that happened outside, and once he went upstairs. Tonite was a disaster–I stupidly tried my best and it was an epic fail.
All I can do is pray that I can manage this debacle now and when Clo is gone for a week coming up. I don’t think I can manage this but I must for clo…

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State of me 6/28 Wednesday

So this am when I woke up at 4, I felt tripidation about interacting w c. So I decided to just take my meds early and knew I’d fall back asleep, in lvgrm, and it worked and I woke up at 730! It worked and I felt very calm. I worked until Clo woke up, did the work for my life insurance policy easily, texted back and forth with c in a neutral way and he is gonna help me with my art contract, so that is a good thing, and I told him about turning down the job and all he said was ok.

I can’t currently walk away bc of $$ and I have accepted that. I really feel no bad feelings, have actually forgiven him for this past weekend and other things, and I want my family back. I really don’t want to split up my family, and I think I can get along and be pleasant from here on out. I don’t know what good it reallly does to dredge up things from the past and I don’t know what good his idea of home therapy really does either. I am ready to move on from this awful year and build memories and get closer to both of them.
So, I think I’m being pretty mature and accepting, but it remains to be seen where he is. He wants to help me do things and I think that’s a good sign. I’m just gonna let it ride and be neutral and see what he has to say. More later

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                                                  6/29–my feelings about marriage

-I don’t feel I’m allowed to have my feelings after sending the email telling my feelings and being told I should move out for having the feelings that–

–c is stressing me out with his withholding, bossing, and activating my fibro

–my fibro is terrible right now, starts right when I get up

-I feel like my job search was not accepted, that c doesn’t want me to have a job, that I have nothing to do now and feel lost

-he did not care that I was trying to figure out what to write while also trying to take care of Clo bc he wanted to play vids, then when I took that as one of the factors in turning down job, he freaked

-what is the pt of going into all of this when I’ve made peace w fact that I have no alternative life choices and must just accept or what he does and move on with the life I chose ten years ago–I don’t want to be divorced, to do that to Clo, I can’t work full time again ever, the baseball job was too hard–he wants me to talk about my feelings now? After last weekend? I’m not going to do that. This is an example of one spouse moving past it on her own in order for both of us to forgive and forget. Now he is talking about its healthy to process feelings, etc

-I disagree-we were in therapy for a while, and it just made me overwhelmed w negative feelings towards him that had no resolution

-I think there is a lot of value in simply working thru problems on ur own, in your own mind, and coming to a place of forgiveness, however you have to get there. It was a demoralizing experience, but I got there and it is a good feeling, and hard won.

-I am able to accept the following problems-not sleeping together, not having sex, getting bossed around about most decisions and choices, being second guessed constantly, having no money, not being able to afford to do anything with Clo, having few choices and options, bc I get to enjoy:

-being a stay at home mom, not having to work since I’m disabled, enjoying having c as a companion, living in my beautiful house, having a art room and having time to write if I choose.

-that’s it–I get a nice, comfortable, artistic life.

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6/29, Thursday, couples therapy nite–Moving On

Dear C,
I am of the theory that we sd forgive and forget and pls let’s just move on.

I don’t want to dredge up a bunch of negative things and talk about how we feel negatively about them. There are really no solutions in that, just finger pointing and being miserable, and we’ve both spent most of the past year being miserable in our own ways.

I am willing to listen if you feel you need to go there, but I am telling you that after a lot of thinking, I have truly forgiven you for the incident, for the yelling–all of it! I certainly don’t feel the need to tell you again the negative things you’ve done and how negatively they made me feel. If you want to do that to me, I can take it without being upset.

I want to start over, for real, this time. This means that you are going to need to do this work on your own. You are gonna have to think your way out too.

I have no real interest in any further couples therapy. Maybe you can journal. Or go to therapy. Or do online research. I am telling you that after doing those things, they weren’t what got me here. I don’t want to talk about negative things in our past anymore. This is what I am currently interested in–I would rather work on spending time together to get closer, to spend more time with Clo together, and to rebuild up our life so it becomes better than it was before.

Let me know when you get to this place of forgiveness and when you want to build up our life and be a family again. This feeling is kind of like a recommitment to you and the life we have. Until then, I am content to wait. I have nothing else to say.

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6/30/17

Feelings about therapy session

-I don’t think you understand the realities of bipolar, you could google it or read the book your mom gave you
-I don’t like the negative focus on the past
-I propose the topic of letting things go
-I don’t like how you didn’t believe the work I did was real, you were putting it down

To say:
My end–
-maybe I caused you to feel put down with my forgiveness speech-that was not my intention. I was simply trying to explain how I could take the terrible events of the past year and let them go, be ready for the next chapter
C’s statements last nite–
-I don’t appreciate that I agreed to your therapy design after you said that’s what you needed, but you didn’t relent, you didn’t accept that, instead you got upset and ended the session
-I feel like if we don’t agree to do things your way, you flip out and get angry
-I can appreciate that we are differing about what to do with Clo this summer–I think we should let her do what she is asking to do–rest, play, than to force her into activities. She is supposed to be taking a break, she exceeded our expectations this school year, I give her options every day, she doesn’t even want to go to the pool, she wants to pretend and relax–I even asked her if she wanted me to get her some play dates or if she was happy with things like this, she was happy. Just bc we disagree on this doesn’t mean I’m doing her a disservice…

My therapy ideas:
-I think in the beginning, and since you are free, we should do a few topics a week to see if we can make some progress
-I think we could focus a session on one thing we do like about each other to begin with, that way we are less apt to feel criticized
-let’s stick to one grievance and really explore that, rather than a list
-in our own practice, let’s try and see if we can let go of something before we just say a negative thing that will hurt someone’s feelings when really we could have ended that grievance without sharing

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7/1 where I am

We have agreed to pay for therapy and that until then we are going to enjoy each other’s company…I can definitely do that.

He and I are basically just sitting in the living room with the tv on, on our phones, every time I try to talk to him, he doesn’t hear me. I am going to offer to get ear plugs for him tomorrow or tonite if my stomach settles. I don’t know what he’ll say. I don’t know what enjoying company really means–maybe I sd just let him decide…I will just not have expectations. That is the best way.

I am going to church tomorrow but said it was dbsa. I really was ready to throw in the towel on Thursday–it was beyond frustrating that he was completely negative! I feel relief that he finally decided we sd go back to paid therapy–relief! He started into me today, but I had a changed response–it shocked him, it shook him up, maybe enough to agree!

But I do love him and find him very attractive–I don’t think he’s gonna sleep in my bed tonite or prob even tomorrow–but it’s just that I am trying to be a clean slate, to be fun, to start from now and do that over and over–that’s grace! If I can, I know he can too…
He’s got this neck injury right now and it’s really bothering him. Zero chance of a sleepover, methinks…There’s only time in front of us.

What can I do–be pleasant and fun, carefree–brave–that’s the new me…I always thought he was in control, but it’s really me after all! When I am off, he is too–so I’m gonna be me from now on–with grace!

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7/3/17

 

Proverbs

-3:3-let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.
3:5-Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…
-10:12-love covers over all wrongs.
-11:28-the righteous will thrive like a green leaf!

This book is pretty negative–Solomon says one good thing, followed by some kind of missive on the fallen and how they behave and don’t have good things…I’ve decided to just table this book and try Ecclesiastes next.

Ecclesiastes–
-this book is on point! Gift by God given, he led me to this book and it is beautifully written on the topic that I think on often–wisdom, and that all of my searching for knowledge was for naught. So far, the writer is going thru all the possible things there are to do and saying they have little point bc they don’t lead anywhere positive and everyone’s outcome is death anyway, that all possible outcomes lead nowhere. I’m hoping he will get to the point that choosing a godly path and trying to live like Jesus did are meaningful and will lead somewhere, to knowing God in a whole way. Hoping. Good reading either way.

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7/3–where I am

So today, I have been studying the Bible since 3:30am and have found a stopping place so I can figure out where I am and also think about where c is before we leave to go to Obi’s later this am.

Yesterday had its challenges, one of which I said something finally to him, which was stop telling me to calm down every time I voice a differing opinion–I am no longer manic and do not need to calm down bc I’m not upset, simply saying what I think. This wasn’t received well, he was banging pots and pans around, or was that another time, that time escapes me. This is the point, and the Bible agrees with me here, that we sd forget wrongs, forgive and move on. This is my bent and what I am aspiring to do with c every day. Sometimes I can do it without saying a word, this is what I am going for. Sometimes it is too hard to do, and I falter and get frustrated. However, it is healthier to express emotion rather than suck it in like I did for 39 years. Today I am again focusing on being loving and especially showing my love in a physical way thru touch bc he seems to really need that and to respond positively to it, hence my magic finger massage of his neck which really helped.

Prayer line is in 50 mins.

So, my new idea is that I am really the one in charge In this marriage bc I seem to set the tone. When I was sick, he acted in a sick way. Now that I am doing so much better thanks to God’s grace, I am able to set a positive tone. It is choosing love and togetherness, over and over, even when he is standoffish or angry. Trying to talk about the state of things doesn’t work, as I saw yesterday, but talking about things of togetherness and having some suggestions, like earplugs and inviting him to sleep in same bed, works. That will be the focus. I am going to try, and if he’s drunk it sd be easy, to have sex tonite if period stops like it should by then. He really needs this, and we both need that connection. I am hoping to try out my new sex feelings and also try my new quiet, touching centered approach and see if it fits better. He has agreed to sleep with me in the marital bed, it was a cinch, and I think it will help center our marriage, make me feel safe downstairs again, make us get better rest, and also enjoy more sex encounters and maybe even some snuggling!

Acinta sent me a piece on emotional centered approach. This seems perfect for us and I’m going to bring it up when I book our appt after prayer line. The idea is there’s a bonding issue–we don’t feel secure in the marriage bc both of us have talked about bailing. So, we keep asking in diff ways, r u there for me or not…his coping skill is anger, it says it’s an attention seeking mechanism, and boy do I pay attention then! My coping skill is withdrawal and saying I’m done, and that is so true–I always think and fantasizes in past about leaving–maybe bc it’s what my mother did, maybe it doesn’t matter why bc I have realized I want to stay forever and leaving isn’t ever what my heart really signed up for. Anyway, the approach seeks bonding thru therapy methods and should help focus things and help him move past his anger if Terry can do this. I am positive.

I have found a miracle wellspring of love that isn’t wavering. I am reattracted to him in all ways! Even when he seeks to hurt, I am unscathed and can return my focus to continually forgiving, to being loving, to being the solution instead of the problem, and I attribute all of this to God’s love for me and giving me the kind of spiritual lightness that can cover him even tho we are in a time of trial right now. I want to ask him to forgive me today for being so frustrated that I told him I was done. Maybe he can forgive me–that was a horrid thing to say! And I want to tell him that I really didn’t mean it, that I will always love him even if we get divorced bc I really believe in the vows I took and I really want to redo them on our anniversary as new vows we write and pledge, and that I want our marriage to work and be happy again now that we are both healthy and capable of creating a more success union, that I am now able to be a more successful wife, that I am again capable of being his partner bc I’m finally not sick anymore, that I want to re know each other, find a union that is more knowing and mature together, sleep in the same bed, share everything, have sex again, parent together once we come up with our new approach to Clo after much thought and deliberation.

I am feeling more positive and ready for the day than ever! Gonna put my new fave song on while I continue…feeling better, liking this British guy!

I am going to focus on c– we have the next 9 days of the responsibility for Clo lifted–I have desire to bond and be strengthened, the joy of not being sick and feeling so light and easy bc of gods love and grace really, is what I think this is. I am so grateful that I can have my own thoughts, emotions and choices without being controlled by bipolar so completely. I am wondering if things will remain this clear and easy now that bipolar has receded? It seems like if I stay in a prayerful mindset, if am remain focused on my Clo and my C, not on me and my small wants and needs, if I can figure out the right way to speak, ask–if I can lead us all out of the dark hull of bipolar dysfunction, I can do this, this is what I was made for–to be a leader of light in my family, practice love and forgiveness and being happy and light and moving us all forward.

They so need direction–how to act from love, to respect oh my god, to respect each other and build each other up and let go of the past year it was the worst year of my life and I so desire to be while in you and to show that, the peace, the amazing grace it is so true of you and how you lifted me over the hull, you took me out of my illness grasp you must be all powerful, I couldn’t do it on my own, no amount of knowledge would do that, you saved me sweet life for my family and for myself to live in a new peace and to be loving and true oh I thank you my sweet god and I won’t let you down l can do this because of you and your wiping clean of my slate so clean and fresh life is new and beautiful now and full of promise thank you thank you from the wells of my being I love you and won’t waste this change or chance you have given me to love and teach and do interesting things. I wonder if I went on the prayer line now if I could talk more one and one with these pastors, if they’re online. I’m gonna try. Not there.

I am vowing to be loving, gentle, kind, today. I am going to bite my tongue concerning Clo, I am going to stay in the positive teaching light today, please please. I am going to show c that I can be the gentle positive mother he wants me to be. I am going to show him some grace, forgiveness and good old fashioned physical love and make today for him a renewal and a happy day. Lord I just want my family to have a happy, carefree day, and I am going to do everything I can to be a sweet blessing to them today.

Man, I’m switching churches to anointed! Pastor Donald was feeling it and so was I! Very transformative! My pain is gone! He was so honest and beautiful in his expression! I love love it! I will try to do prayer line while I’m in Austin, but fear it is not conducive in Obi’s home…I will see, maybe most people won’t do it tomorrow and I can tell pastor donald what happened to me and ask some questions

So we are in the car–he has had to apologize already–I am in fibro pain–i am going to stretch when we get there, see if that helps. I am refocusing now on being loving and caring, kind and sweet, to them now. I can do this. Let the issues with Clo go. Let what happened In the car earlier just go. Let the fibro pain go. The first am we are back, I am gonna do some yoga. I’m not even gonna pray about it again until I do one yoga session! I am going to stretch until then. It will improve. And I know if I keep staying in love, C will eventually stop using his tone and being insulting.

So I am having ibs after eating and wondering when it will be safe to eat again–my physical symptoms are gone, but not the bowel ones–that is ok, I think it’s abating…I really want to talk to the pastor–he makes me feel better–I just don’t really want to be stuck in a little room watching stupid tv all nite–maybe I as take a nap? I am gonna text v…

So I am just feeling discouraged about no one hearing me even if it is bc I was sick so long, I am having ibs and c just wants to watch stupid shit on tv–he made me cry and he was so negative about me to my mom–I really almost lost it there–this is so hard, staying in love and forgiveness–I want my pastor, I need some kind words of encouragement but I am gonna have to do it tonite–Jesus is gonna help me refocus and go back inside and really be patient and quiet. I can do this–everything depends on me being strong now and loving and sweet. God help me be the woman I need to be for tonite and always in this marriage.

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7/4–C and debating whether to do prayer line at Obi’s house…

I am reading Luke and sort of understanding…I just don’t know if I should do prayer line today or while I’m here…maybe just the prayer part for me and for Marcy’s sakes, then miss the lesson, but I am gonna want to do the lesson…my body feels healed from yesterday, I am receiving it! I can’t expect to have all the c burdens released so soon–or suddenly expect him to be a giver in the sack–

I am simply amazed at how much better I am feeling! No ibs, no real pain, this new way of thinking is making me so blessed and highly favored! I am gonna do prayer line for the praise and prayer part today! I feel refreshed and ready! Have awhile to wait…

So I am not sure how to act–feel like I sd say things when I think I should be quiet. W Obi and C. Especially C. I am gonna try to do better at my new approach of calm, fun, light, easy. Even when he goes negative, I go high. He goes low, I go high–right, Obamas! Oh, I am in pain from the outside chair! I am inside, trying to readjust and feel in favor again!

Maybe too much thinking? I am gonna activate my alarm and keep reading…

So I am feeling over medicated–being pushed down it feels like, by my head, and dizzy and stand up/down a hard thing. It is almost time to call Marcy–I am hoping I feel better by then–she’s not answering–gonna try in 2, then just get on…my mom is moving around down there, too…I am going to proceed, even with this hard to move medicine feeling. I honestly just want to lay down and rest–I feel overwhelmed and can’t move feeling I am having. I’ll wait a bit longer for her to call me back, but I am ready to get on the exciting prayer line! It was a bit of a mess today, she didn’t answer, I couldn’t get an internet connection, so I hung up after a diff pastor was not so great anyway! Here’s for calling tomorrow and getting Donald!

So, c left bed in middle of nite again–how loud can I be? He’s got the ear plugs, plus he didn’t bring or obtain birth control for this trip–I really sd just play it cool today–I am just exhausted! I will be loving and lighthearted–he’s got his burden, he’s weighed down, so. Not playing it cool, gonna be very loving! My period started again–yikes!–maybe why I was hurting in the car, this am–I am unhappy with my wardrobe choices–ready to just go home, honestly…I digress…full of food, was hungry, so I ate some bkft tacos…we’ll see–eggs might not be best choice…

Ok, back to my feelings so they won’t bust out later–I am just getting used to being rejected and pushed away, verbally and actually, and staying in love and trusting for better–the pastor is praying, v and me are too–it might take a while, to see the genuine love and belief be back in this marriage–pause to brush teeth

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7/5/17

I stood up for myself!

So, he was getting all over me yesterday about something minor I said at the dr, and it was going on and on and finally I just said, stop it! You are treating me like a dog that peed on the rug! I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way! You can’t talk to me this way anymore! And he went there with the whole you don’t love me anymore, that’s it–I had to say that just bc I don’t like something he says, doesn’t me I’m not committed, then I had to say all the committed love words, etc. but things never got back right and I ended up falling asleep by myself really early. We will get a mouth guard for my snoring–he is doing research on it–that is something. I got frustrated last nite that he wasn’t answering me and said so and that’s when I felt like I had gotten dolled up, etc to be ignored and I really was so very tired too. But he did come in the room and give me the kisses, so that is something…
Yesterday was a disaster!

I am feeling a bit undirected–the Bible study bk v gave me is so far unenlightening…I really need the way and topics that pastor Donald does! I really love him and can’t wait to try his church–hopefully it will be the right one.

I just have to recognize the good progress we are making thanks to god for that. I am so in need of some positive attention and kind words and behaviors–I really think if we could just have sex–maybe it will be today! I just don’t want to waste this time we have bc today is already Thursday and we still haven’t–dammit! We were at the Walgreens last nite and it didn’t even occur to me to get the films! This sux!!! Now what, I’m gonna say get the films? V said to let him pursue me, so that wouldn’t be the right move–why is all of this so fuking complicated? I can’t get them…I’m just gonna be obvious and maybe he needs that, it seems like he does–maybe I will feel inspired to say something. I don’t think he feels he can do it without some direction…

I will be more obvious in my loving feelings and behaviors today. By the time he gets up, the downstairs will be clean and my hair will be dyed and done and makeup. Maybe I will wear my pink onesie or something. I will be pretty and fun, light and very obviously loving him and touching him, then maybe he will get those stupid films today!

I do need to refocus on my own goals too, but maybe Monday. I need to keep submitting my books!

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7/7/17 Crisis of Conscience

So I have been dealing with lithium toxicity now for maybe six weeks, it turns out, when all this time I have been praying about fibro and I am so angry! I have never gotten it near this bad and I can’t help but feeling that my new found ways have caused this! Instead of acting, I was trying to pray my symptoms away and honestly I feel so let down by whatever I was praying to that god could let me get so sick. Also, again the Bible is a big downer to read and not inspiring at all. Also, my relationship w c would be strained. Also, the people on the prayer line kind of freaked me out.

So, I think I will go back to what I was doing before…I’m feeling so disappointed and discouraged–you can’t rely on an invisible entity to help you feel better or to heal you. I prob survived bc I took a few less pills than were necessary to kill me, prob breathed in like that bc I woke up, nothing more. I am just gonna focus on my family from here on out–just Clo and C–yoga, music, the poetry collection, the art, keeping a clean house. I feel like I should go lay down–my head is about to explode! Already two potty trips so far today…

I really think that my brain was working under too much lithium and I wasn’t thinking clearly–I could have caught this earlier, except for reliance on this prayer idea I got from wherever! I have never had diarrhea or back pain like that before! I am so angry w myself for letting myself get that sick and for relying on god instead of myself. For whatever reason, I don’t like reading the Bible anyway! I am just saying this! I think I was having a delusion from too much lithium!

I have been in so much discomfort for the past week at least! It scares me! I am afraid my kidneys have permanent damage! My brain is in constant pain! I am drinking coffee to poop out all of what is left of the lithium. I have to drive to get Clo tomorrow at 1030. After the two potty runs, I haven’t had one. My muscles do feel a bit easier, but my head hurts worse. I’m about to take some ibus. I have no appetite. All I can think about is sleeping and C. I don’t have enough energy to take a shower yet, and plus my clothes aren’t ready anyway. Feel like I have to go potty again! I am really sick!

My beautiful new idea of the world and my place in it has evaporated and I have nothing to believe in but my imperfect, start-and-stop family–my Hubbie who ignores me mostly when I’m sick and doesn’t help me pick up the house even tho he knows I am too sick to do it! There is no one to help me! That is ok–it is still me and C and we will make our slow steps forward, still together, so I can again believe in my marriage and the lithium delusion I have been laboring under is over now. I have my writing and my daughter and this house and my art. I will volunteer at the food pantry, take the teacher training course soon, hopefully get a job this fall, and until then, I will be the best wife and mother I can be, write more poems, and try and feel better…

This is all I can do–focus on my health and my family. I feel like my body is full of sand and very heavy. Might need to take a nap. This is serious! I’ve skipped 4 doses and still having major issues, like holding things and walking without a strange exhaustion…I just need to rest more, I guess, and put on fresh pants. Get under covers. Maybe C will make me pancakes later and pick things up for Clo’s return…

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7/10/17

I am just feeling so down bc I’m in such pain! I am having trouble typing and opening bottles this am bc my hands are seizing up!
It seems all my muscles are either super sore or seizing up and I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna take care of Clo today or clean up all the messes she made…

I just want to go back to sleep…I can’t get any relief except in sleep. I want that dr to put me on all the meds I used to take…I know that depression is part of fibro, but I can’t take anything for that…maybe I should call and see if she has any earlier openings. I can’t even take a shower and the Imodium doesn’t stop the diarrhea…I feel so nauseated too–I’m not eating today and need to drop some lbs anyway…I just want to cry.

There is no real consensus about what causes fibro or what to do about it…it seems now that fibro is way more excruciating than bipolar, but that is bc I’m not bipolar symptomatic now…

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7/12/17

So, I stretched and stretched Wednesday and yesterday, let the Imodium wear off–woke up a million times, just had a ton of diarrhea, I’m still hurty although less–good thing kept the dr appt and didn’t cancel…

I mean, who really cares if I’m on a million pills if I can get out of bed and get things done without feeling 90? Going green was Obi’s idea anyway–I don’t give a damn anymore–this fibro has nothing to do with willpower. Also, there is no consensus on what causes it or the flare ups…I’ve been so fuking miserable I’ve thought I was gonna lose my fukking mind recently!

I feel so overwhelmed and only other way to get relief is thru sleep, but I slept for like 9 hrs and had to get up, frustrated…

Journaling is supposed to help, I guess under theory this is caused by stress…if it is, I’m gonna start journaling…

Clo is too high maintenance recently…C is too low maintenance–leaving me downstairs sick while he played vid games like that’s normal or something. I set this game up, both ends, and I am so forced to play it out. At least Clo is genuinely a sweet girl concerned about these symptoms and the fact that her dad has no positive feelings. I have been working him over for two weeks and barely got anything out of it. I feel like parking it in front of the drs office now and just waiting all day, at least I would have a purpose…don’t feel I can write anything new until I get things published, but that’s gotta be a mistake–it helps me–maybe that’s where the flare up came from–stress of trying to get well, stress of trying to get “Mental” published, stress of C and me, stress of Clo being home–doesn’t seem like it, tho

But bipolar is caused by stress too. I always feel so strong on the inside until someone else points out that I’m weak! Pot seems to help me feel myself, like I really do need some drugs, but last nite C was like look I don’t like this you, this you is too loud, I’m trying to relax, I don’t know who you are anymore, etc very judgy and shaming so that I retorted look, you’ve never seen this me? You better think again, this is me, this is who I really am, I wanted to say if you don’t like this me, you can…buy instead I morphed into the me he likes–quiet, not trying to talk to him, having no opinions, etc. I swear to god, the only reason he married me was my looks! That’s not even really working anymore or for a while! I think he likes it when I’m fat!

Now today we have to go to fuking couples therapy and I have a few things I could say but he probably can’t change so what is the point of just hurting his feelings? So, the alternative to being brutally honest and shredding his ego is listening to him be brutally “honest” and critiquing everything I’ve said and done since our disaster session.

I hope I can be on the muscle relaxers during the session and still be able to drive home. I’m drinking tonite even tho it will prob give me bad diarrhea. What the fuk negative things can he drum up about my rooted in love and forgiveness behavior? I will just be left with no moves, other than to continue. I’m still getting this house and bills/food paid for me and Clo, and maybe anything else is a bonus. Going off in therapy to address what will only be his continued abusive behavior will only make him worse when we are not in the therapy session.

He is so upset–gotta be bc of the suicide attempt–that’s just like him, turning something I did on my own into something I did against him–instead of saying something about his own fuking choices and how they are always getting all over me–he bruised me up, he shut me out bc I was sick and sad and broken–it’s like he wants me to see this as my fundamental failure, wants to dissect it into me leaving him when he is the one who took my love and rejected it because I have a mood disorder and I was symptomatic and alone while he just was going thru the motions. He acted like my dad for months before he really acted like my dad–I have ptsd, I was reeling after the incident, I was sick, I pulled all the way away, not wanting to be me if that was the reaction I got from my sweet husband whose body had been taken over by this kind of dad monster…I became a young girl who doesn’t understand the repercussions of her choices after wanting to quit everything.

I still want to quit. I don’t see why someone would be forced to keep living with all of this shit! I can’t even get out of bed now and I think that’s his fault. I can’t live if I don’t get anything out of any of this but grief and work. Other people just take or say stupid stuff. I know I’m a social being, but I don’t get anything out of interaction with others anymore but negative. I could be happy for years living alone and writing novels. I could live in Tomball Pines with no money, writing and pretending, for years!

He doesn’t like it when I’m myself? He wants me to act like his grandmother acted toward his grandfather? I can’t! I’m my-fuking-self! He wants me to dye my hair when I am offering him all the free shit despite him not deserving it?

Someone please tell me what is the point of couples therapy? Or even regular therapy? My last move to play is being kind! That’s all I have left! I fear if pressed, I will say some truth that cannot be further denied by either one of us and then we will be forced to get a divorce!

I actually think that would be better for Clo–getting divorced–so she wouldn’t have to watch this story continue to stall–keep feeling badly for me when every effort fails–bottom line is I’m afraid, he just doesn’t like me–I guess the physical attraction died when he saw me get so sick and he is left realizing like last nite that he doesn’t even enjoy my company unless I am behaving a certain way, a way that makes me feel as if I am again living in my father’s house trying to be so sweet and nice so that nothing bad would happen, and realizing all over again that that approach doesn’t work either…

I should have never gotten married to a guy who thought I was that beautiful and that he had won the trifecta. The reasons why he thought he won were incorrect, and here we are. Holland was too emotional and not a self-starter, Brandon was sweet and loving but a drug addict, C isn’t emotional at all and immature. I thought I was willing to remain steadfast in this marriage, but that’s when I thought an emotional reward was coming–it’s been ten years, there’s no emotional reward for me except being loved from a distance for how I look like I’m some kind of trophy.

I guess he took the damaged goods bc at least they were startlingly animatedly gorgeous! He has never wanted to read my writing bc he doesn’t want to veneer to be shattered by realizing negative things have happened to me and I have negative feelings! I married my mom w a dick! This is why my hair has to be a certain length and my crotch shaved just so and with me being quiet and such a ladylike creature…

I reject the premise that I sd sit here and take shit endlessly simply bc I have a mood disorder. There’s no fun left. There’s no joy left. Bc I have changed. When I woke up and realized that attempt too had failed, I changed. I wanted to become an actor, not be acted upon. I realized I didn’t deserve what he had done to me. I decided to forgive him anyway. I moved on. He is stuck in some past story that wasn’t even his to begin with! He’s stuck in his version of my story, the one where he gets the excuse to yell and scream and physically hurt, all in response to me letting him down bc I got symptomatic and his dream of a real life princess was destroyed.

I am having some pretty good insights without trying too hard, and I am gonna read excerpts tonite at therapy if I don’t chicken out first. He’s fixing to come downstairs and I don’t know what to say or not say. I don’t want to act like I normally do. I think these are real insights, ones that I’ve pulled from his words and behaviors. I think they will shock his system so that he will reject them offhand as coming from someone with a mood disorder!

I thought Holland loved me for me since I was totally honest, but he loved the way I looked. When I got symptomatic and he realized what my father had done to me, he fled, still running prob now. A waste of time. The only guy that understood me, all of me, and loved me, was Josh–but I was the only relationship he had had and he didn’t want to make it permanent. Brandon thought he accepted me, and maybe he really did, but it was only because he was himself so damaged.

C acts like a flawed coach or something, always trying to either control the whole scene or else retreat. Even just now, I said good morning and he knew I was about to speak and decided to retreat and look at the tv. For good or ill, I can’t go back to before I had these at least really good stabs at explaining his behavior. I am really hurt by these theories bc they make so much sense.

The only last thing I can do is to sex him up. I know what to do to make myself irresistible to him again–not ask for sex, touch him and be sweet and sultry–then turn it off and see if I get a reaction like I used to when I didn’t have to do this–I’ve got a sexy body and I need to do deep throats laughs and be touching him but act like I’m not doing anything, just laugh it off–but keep doing it so that he can’t take it, put his hands on me–might as well make good use of all this sexual heat I have lately–I must have instinctively known this would be the salve but I went about it in a clinical way that turned him off–this am I did a pretty good job–maybe that white shirt with my jean cutoffs–I could wash them again today and get them more frayed–

I could have wavy sexy big hair and big makeup like we’re going somewhere…I’ve got to pick out a seemingly benign sexy outfit for tonite–I like what I’m wearing now–need the glasses–need the sexy teacher look–I just need to think–this outfit for therapy has promise–I have the sultry working for me–I can’t wait for the muscle relaxers–I’m gonna be a bombshell bc I’ll be feeling hot and relaxed at the same time–I’m running this relationship I’ve just gotta shut my mouth and say things with my eyes–that’s all I’ve gotta do–not gonna eat today so I can stop pooping and being hungry kinda helps–I’ll be all loosey goosey and warm, not doing anything but waiting for a reaction and then acting all cool about it–muscle relaxers are the cocktail I need to pull this off–gotta practice being calm with Clo’s antics today bc I can’t change them anyway–this is the kind of mom he wants me to be–no comments to her, no comments to him–for whatever reason, he’s not interested in what I have to say, ever–especially if it’s about him–and he wants me to be a hands off mom too–I will just exist in the chaos like a champ, not complaining, not commenting–maybe it’s not weakness, but strength, to have no response for the negative and positive response for the positive, instead of incurring wrath for comments and control-seeking behavior–he doesn’t care if the house is a mess right now so I have absolutely nothing to do but think my way through his clues, which are his actions and words.

What me is he looking for? A sultry, sexy looking one. A quiet one. One that is very complimentary. A hands off, correction free mom. A messy housewife. A cook. Someone who asks for help. Someone who commiserates with his issues and daily struggles. A quiet, patient, subtle seductress that uses kisses instead of words and direction. Appreciative. Uses looks and subtle touches to get a reaction. Someone waiting for direction and instructions. Someone with endurance and persistence when it comes to eliciting positive response. Someone who doesn’t talk about herself bc that’s a turnoff. Someone who is a living fantasy.

This is the release button–being what he wants me to be–then he gets renewed–work is easy–he is giving–the door will be unlocked–

I have started my campaign, but it is with words–I have suggested we do it before therapy, accomplishing a few goals–he will be in a good mood and maybe not be dwelling on things in such a negative way, I will get fibro relief and maybe not read excerpts from this entry and blow him out of the water…

I really want to cut the top off these yoga pants–they get in the way of my waistline–I don’t dare do it…waiting for a response from him–I basically propositioned him–don’t know what he’ll say, but at least right now this is a fun distraction, the only other one is putting on a fashion show! Right now I am in black yogas and black tight cami–could put a hoodie on and go, but think too sexy–need to change into original outfit, but shrink the beige cami…perfect outfit for therapy is black yogas, beige cami, black short cardigan, glasses, fuck me hair all messy, big makeup, silver sandals that practically match cami–unless I need some sparkle shoes and journal too, with Louis Vuitton purse…sandals and lv purse–yes!

He still hasn’t responded…he could be busy or just something negative or just enjoying it. Kinda want to send another message being more explicit…so it turned into a big downer with me asking for sex in like three diff ways and him not responding and then saying texting doesn’t work! I’m taking the full dose of muscle relaxers this afternoon!

I just said that I was asking for sex this afternoon and did that come across to him and have gotten zero response!

I want to make sure I look super beautiful for therapy now, for sure, bc I want it to hurt when I turn him down tonite. Too bad I’m so bloated and sick bc I could look better–my new shirt dress doesn’t go with any of my bottoms bc I am so bloated! I wanted to wear it as a dress, but again super bloated.

I guess he is playing games with me and that is the only conclusion I can draw. When a woman is explicit in asking for sex, you do not turn her down. Especially not repeatedly. I am just gonna have to have my own slow burn and pray there’s no hard liquor at Brian’s party for fear I will end up coming onto or accepting advances of another man. I feel like I am a great looking woman who has a healthy appetite for sex and it has been thwarted by the one person who should want to have sex with me! Fuk this! I am gonna turn him down when he asks the next time and the next time–going to therapy is a waste of time! He’s not interested in bonding or moving past anything. I’m gonna have to sit there and listen to a bunch of shit from him and not have an opinion! This is what he loves to have happen!

His response was not to answer my question and instead say he wanted to talk face to face. I responded with I was trying to have some fun. He had a stupid response. We have all this time to sit around before the dr appt and I am going to obsess over this until then. I am pissed! Who wouldn’t want their wife saying she wanted them to f her this afternoon? Instead I get a bunch of shit! When I ask for sex, he says no. When I have a reaction bc it’s like the third time, he gets mad and rejecting. When I try to talk sex for the first time in text, I get shit! Whatever. I’m not making any moves even tho the subtle ones are fun! I’m just gonna worry about myself.

He is saying I look beautiful…

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